It has come to my attention, that I was to "show appreciation" for you yesterday and tell you how "important" you are to me. As you are well aware, that didn't happen. In my defense, I don't typically care to show appreciation to you, I rarely can identify anything in you about which I should be thankful, and I was a tad green in the gills from Sanjaya's Beer Bong Bash 2007 on Saturday night.
Don't judge me!
To reset the balance in the universe (and, more importantly, within our home), I'd like to take the opportunity now to thank you for all you do for me.
I call it:
"How Do You Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways..."
- YOU FEED ME SOMETIMES. You put food in my bowl. Big whoop. The only reason this one made the list is that I can't seem to figure out how to get into the cabinet above the stove, where the food is kept. Oh, and I lack opposable thumbs that would allow me to grip the bag and pour the food. So...by default, I thank you for feeding me. A bit of constructive criticism? I really get uncomfortable when the chow-levels in my bowl dip below 50 kibblets. While I know you've never tried to starve me to death before (aside from that day when I had to go 37 minutes with an empty bowl), I know you've thought about it. I can see it in your eyes. I'm watching you, lady.
- YOU PET ME ON OCCASION. Sometimes, when you're not too busy catering to your own selfish desires, you'll scratch my head a bit. Sometimes. I guess, while I deserve the entire cake, I should be thankful for the crumbs, right? I'm still not clear why I have to beg for physical attention from you. On one paw, I believe this is an epic battle of wills where I beg for attention and you withhold said attention...and we see who ultimately comes out victorious. On the other paw, I think you might just be too selfish and lazy. FYI, bitch: There are more humans than I can count who would kill...KILL to run their hands over my luxurious fur. One of these days, you're going to wake up and I'll be gone. Or, I'll just be lying in the corner, thinking about leaving. Either way, it will hurt you something fierce!
- YOU GIVE ME TREATS WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. Seriously...not nearly as often as you should. In fact, I'm going to spare you a long and drawn-out explanation of this one and just give you the following instruction: MORE TREATS, MORE OFTEN.
- ___________________. You can fill in the blank with whatever it is you think you do for me for which I should be thankful. I know you're going to bitch to your friends that your "ungrateful little scamp of a feline daughter" didn't "love you enough" and "appreciate you enough," so this blank entry should cover all the bases and leave me looking good.
Oh, crap. For crying out effing loud! Brach wants to say something to you.
"LETTER TO MOMMY" by Brach Lee
I love you more than sunshine. I love you more than treats. I love you more than fetching milk jug rings or chasing the taunting red dot of the laser pointer.
At this very moment, I think I love you more is actually possible...no, WAIT! NOW I love you even more than I did in the last sentence! And now AGAIN!
I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Wrap it up, B.
In closing, you are the best mother a cat could have and I love you. I love you more now than I did 2 seconds ago. Even more just now! And now! And...SHUT IT! ENOUGH ALREADY! If you start flattering her too much, she'll turn conceited and will be a bear to live with!
Listen, lady. While we forgot to honor you yesterday, I think we can all agree, there was some mad love happening here today.
So to recap: Keep the chow coming. Scratch my furry belly every once in awhile. More treats=a happy cat. Got it?
Best regards, Homeslice!