Wednesday, May 16, 2007

How to Catch a Tomcat

For years, I have been inundated with letters, emails and phone calls (how Star Jones-Reynolds got the number to my private line is beyond me) asking me how I've been so incredibly successful at trapping attracting tomcats. Until now, my collection of techniques have been a closely guarded secret and were only available for $29.99 on late-night infomercials.

Because the demand for this information is so high and there are so many desperate and dateless women out there, I thought I would finally release my proven methods...free of charge. The only thing I demand as a result of granting you these nuggets of super-sexy, savvy sage-wisdom: That I be the maid of honor at your weddings.

Without further ado, allow me to present:

Kukka's Guide to Hooking a Dude

  1. BE COLD
    Never show your soft and vulnerable side. A man needs to be kept wondering how you feel. Not only will it keep him chasing you, it will deflate his self-esteem, allowing you to direct his every move.


  2. ALWAYS ASK HIS ANNUAL INCOME
    If you would like to maintain the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed, you need to now he has cash. Cat treats, jeweled collars, litter and S&M gear are expensive! If he becomes offended, pee on his shoe and flee.


  3. FART EARLY; FART OFTEN
    If you're like me, farting is one of your most braggable skills. From my experience, men will say they are turned off by air biscuits, but secretly, they can not resist a woman who lacks control over her bowels. Don't resist the urge to crop dust! If a man can not handle your best, he's certainly not going to be able to handle your worst.


  4. ORDER A LOT OF KIBBLE, BUT EAT ONLY 3 PIECES
    Men like it when ladies eat like birds. No, I don't mean violently pecking at your food with your snout. I mean daintily eating and then, after merely 3 minutes, complaining how much food there is and wondering if you'll be able to eat it all. Nevermind the fact that you are packing some serious junk in the trunk and, if you were to eat this sparingly all the time, your trunk would be empty! Men are way too stupid to make that connection. I know you'll be starving by the time you get home, but that's where the hard work you've invested in training your human properly comes in handy. He or she will gladly doll out treats--no questions asked. Having a man + Secret binging = Bliss!


  5. HYGIENE IS CRITICAL
    Men like women who look and smell clean. Does this mean you need to actually take a shower? NO! Give yourself a once-over with your tongue before he picks you up and, when you're at dinner, climb onto the table and lick your lady business and back entrance. Grooming your nether-regions in public shows you care enough to send the very best.


  6. TALK TOO MUCH AND INTERRUPT
    When you tell a story, ramble on and on until you see his eyes glass over. At that point, you know you have his full attention. After all, your stories are fascinating! If he says he likes sports, purposefully avoid that topic at all costs. If he says he doesn't like chasing a laser pointer, talk only of that hobby. He needs you to educate him and grow his appreciation for the important things you love. When he begins talking about his own interests or sharing a story, cut him off. Talk over him until you wear him down. Your story of which his story reminded you is far more important than his original anecdote. As frustrated as he may be with you preventing him from sharing, he will soon see you have a delightful repertoire of tales to share that will make his man junk tingle with glee.


  7. DISCUSS, AT LENGTH, YOUR FORMER LOVERS
    It's important for any new man in your life to know who has come before. Not only will it challenge his self-esteem and masculinity in a positive way, it will help you establish your expectations and boundaries with him. "My former lover, insert name here, used to say..." or "My former lover, insert name here, used to caress..." You might not get the same profound results as I do, as my "insert name here" is Brad Pitt. If you're going to talk about some D-list celebrity (Carrot Top, Donny Osmond, or Clay Aiken), you might want to keep this step brief. Talking too much about them could cause him to get an inflated ego and, let's be honest, there is only room for one inflated ego at that dinner table.


  8. LOOK AT OTHER MEN AND COMPARE THEM TO HIM
    As different men pass your dinner table, undress them with your eyes. Your date will value your appreciation for the male form and find you even sexier than he did 5 minutes before. Saying things like, "Wow! That hot guy has far more hair than you..." or "Look at that tail! Yours is far less lengthy and fluffy..." It helps him evaluate himself and inspires him to take action on his appearance. Your opinion, after all, is extremely valuable to him. And always correct.


  9. IT HELPS TO BE A STRIPPER
    Taking your clothes off for money is attractive and not-at-all skeezy. Knowing you have men ogling you and dollar-bills shoved next to your cha-cha is something EVERY man wants. If he calls you a slut? Correct him. "I'm a WHORE. I get PAID to sell my body." That is an important piece for him to understand, as it establishes you as a responsible working girl.


  10. BE MEAN AND HATEFUL
    When a woman walks by and looks at your man, give her the evil eye and hiss. A swatting of your clawed paw helps, too. Establish with the rival chick that you are the alpha and you won't tolerate her sniffing around your boy. Your man will admire your go-getter attitude and sense of perceived ownership. Another thing you may consider shouting in public, "He is soooooooo good! It's a shame you're too ugly to be with him. Your loss!" That makes women like you more because of your brutal honesty and will make him stay in line, for fear you will turn on him with aggression.


  11. SKIP OUT WHEN THE CHECK COMES
    It's not your responsibility. To reinforce this, don't bring a purse and don't bring the stash of singles you keep in your g-string from your "job."


  12. BE SUPER-SEXY
    Sorry, but this one only works for me. Many of you have, with a great deal of effort and concentration, reached "Somewhat-Sexy" and "Moderately-Sexy" levels, but to be honest, that's just not going to cut it. I can hear you now, "But, Kukka...anyone can be super-sexy!" No, you can't.


  13. PROMISE TO PUT OUT, BUT DON'T
    Order the most expensive dinners, flirt mercilessly during the meal, lick your lips a lot, make sultry eye-contact, even make frank and embarrassing sexual comments. You might even consider "presenting" (lifting your lady business high in the air and raising your tail), but deny him access. Even if he curses, calls you names, throws things or slams his fist on the table repeatedly, he will only want you more and will find the challenge intriguing. Trust me.

If you do these things, I GUARANTEE * you will nab that gem of a male and have him chasing your tail for years to come. Having said that, you "merely-sexy," "borderline-sexy," "somewhat-sexy," and "moderately-sexy" women out there should realize that you're not going to get the breed of men I get. The Brad Pitts of the world are not going to be chasing you down; they are going to be on my couch, rubbing my belly.

Deal with it.


* Claims of guarantees have no merit. Neither Empress Kukka-Maria, nor her Agent, shall be held responsible if you do not get a boyfriend using her techniques, if you incur bodily harm (from either your date, or surrounding women you insult), if you find yourself abandoned at the restaurant, and/or if you pull a muscle (stripping). At any future date, we reserve the right to deny responsibility for any other perceivably liable consequences that may or may not occur from using these techniques.

USE THESE METHODS AT YOUR OWN RISK!

9 comments:

The Meezers said...

i'm not shur Kukka - does you love me? I make 3.87 a year, but I haf an unlimited supply of treats and food. - Miles

NOLADawn said...

Damn Kukka, wish you'd been around when I was still dating...

K T Cat said...

Empress, what about vomit? I understand that cat vomit can be quite...how do the French say it?

Oh well, you know what I mean. Where is the proper place for kibble reruns?

Finnegan & Buddy said...

Errrr. Ummm. Well. Miss Kukka, you kno we love and respek you, but we don't reely want owr mom bean bringing home enny ofur tomcats, so is it ok if we don't share this one wif her?

And, in an unrelated topic, we haf tagged Brach for the 7 random things meme that is going arownd. I kno yore too bizzy and private to want to do it, but if you do, we'd be honored if you'd stop by owr blog to pik up the rools.

Respeckfully yores,
Finnegan & Buddy

Renee said...

WOW Kukka! I feel so priviledged to know all your dating secrets. Too bad I'm happily married.

Would you mind if I share your secrets with my single friends?

Darla said...

Kukka! No wonder you're in such high demand. I bow to your expurrtise.

Cheysuli said...

I'm very good at number one but I love to eat so that's a harder one for me--of course I DO only eat canned food and turn up my nose at kibble...

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

I can't believe that I didn't follow rule #5, forgive me Kukka!

the other 43 yr old hunk Not BP said...

did you steal the "whore" vs "slut" line from me? ;)