Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Online Dating is STILL a Bitch!

It's been almost 2 years since I tried online dating. While I have a tomcat stable of 6 and a feline husband, the mysterious rumbling in my lady business is telling me it might be time for me to hunt again.

It is no secret my previous online dating search was dissatisfying, to say the least, but I've noticed the amount of foot traffic by my sliding glass door has diminished. Blame the crazed paparazzi camped outside my house 24/7. Blame my cock-blocking husband who arches his back and hisses when a rival male approaches. Blame the fact I refuse to press my super-sexy multiple nipples against the window without first being taken out for a respectable surf and turf meal. Whatever the reason, if they are not coming to me, I need to go to them.

So I posted my profile.

Name: Kukka-Maria
Breed(ing): Exiled Empress
Age: 7.66 yrs old
Hair: Short, black/white/gray tiger-striped
Eyes: Vertically-Pupiled Green
Interests: Napping, rubbing my face against things, trying to procure tasty people-food, talking, thinking of ways to antagonize Oprah, treats, and talking about treats.
Turn-ons: Licks behind my ears and between my eyes, my own reflection, gentle biting on the back of my neck, tomcats who adore me unabashedly.

Here are some of the (choke) gems I was matched with:

Name: Craig
Breed: Sphinx
Age: 1
Hair: Um...
Eyes: Huge and bulging
Interests: Staying warm, avoiding cold, using my super-sonic satellite ears to pirate XM Radio, looking in the mirror and asking, "Why me!?"
Turn-ons: Large sweaters, warm human hands, moisturizer, heating vents, when my human takes her rings off so I can sit comfortably in the palm of her hand.
My take on him: I fear my scratchy tongue will leave abrasions on his delicate skin. I don't think I would be able to maintain eye-contact with him, as I wouldn't be able to control my laughter and/or might throw up in my mouth a little bit. How could they match HIM up with ME? I am super-sexy and he is, well...he is um...not. If I spend too much time with him, I might be haunted by flashbacks of my relationship with Vin Deisel!

Name: Stan
Breed: Cat/Dog/Rabbit/Muskrat
Age: 12
Hair: Brown fauxhawk, thinning on top.
Eyes: Creepy and menacing
Interests: My job as a Gollum stunt double in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, smashing the skulls of Hobbits, staring at people until they feel very uncomfortable, and BINGO
Turn-Ons: Leather, Latex, S&M
My take on him: I'm as freaky as the next feline empress (maybe more), but S&M? I get spanked enough just by jumping on the kitchen counters, thankyouverymuch! I don't mind the fauxhawk, if the rest of him weren't balding. I'm not sure I could tolerate him calling me his "precious," and dreaming of him at night would give me night terrors. PASS!

Name: Tiny
Breed: White Lion (with a follicle pigment disorder)
Age: 8
Hair: Dark brown with caramel highlights
Eyes: Hazel with golden flecks
Interests: Brushing my mane, poetry, designing plus-sized fashion for cats of all breeds. I should mention that, in my photo, I am singing, not roaring. I sing like Liza and dance like Michael Jackson (without the groping of small boys).
Turn-ons: A huge mane on a manly lion, Broadway shows (specifically 'The Lion King," and haute couture.
My take on him: Someone has caught the gay! I think Tiny might be in the wrong dating pool. Single Brown Male seeks Single Brown Male. Plus, I think his gaping mouth is just about the right size to fit a 12lb, voluptuous, super-sexy feline in it. EEK!

Name: Cotton
Breed: Poodle
Age: 5
Hair: White
Eyes: Brown
Interests: Getting my hair did, learning new tricks, touring the country winning pet look-alike contests at county fairs
Turn-ons: Dressing in clothes that are identical to my owner's (cross-species dressing), standing on my hind legs to dance for treats
My take on him: I don't know about you, but dating Barbara Bush is not something I strive to do. Wait...which one would I be dating? The one in the foreground or background? The "dancing for treats" thing sounds nice though. If he dances for treats, what else might he dance for? Purrrrr...

Name: Spike
Breed: ?
Age: 14
Hair: Yes
Eyes: Bloodshot
Interests: Alley fights, tending to my mohawk, partying and showing off my tongue implant
Turn-ons: Hot chicks with studded collars, beer.
My take on him: Hot? No. Sexy? Not so much. A star of the movie "Gremlins?" I think so! All I know is I have to get my paws on that jeweled collar! If he has the cash to buy that kind of bling, I would be more than happy to break bread with him. A paper bag over the head just might be the answer. With the swarming paparazzi, I'm just not sure whether the bag should be on his head or mine...


DaisyMae Maus said...

Oh, Empress ... Each was scary than the previous! None are good enough for you ... What was the name of that dating service again?!? Fugly.com? Brach Lee is so much more handsome and intelligent ... And you have such studly toms in your Tomcat Stable. Stick with them and leave the fugly ones to their owners. Eeewwww ...

Sparky Duck said...

and I thought Carmen was having it rough. Though the Gollum stunt double might have some dough.

The Meezers said...

well, the sphinx was not scary - we likes the sphinx kitties - mommy finks they is adorable. but WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT LAST ONE? Did it only haf one eye? that was the weirdest fing I have efurr seen!!

I still fink you should expand your tomcat stable - there is toms out there dying to get in! - Miles

Cheysuli said...

yes, I think Carmen is having good dating karma after seeing what you are going through. There MUST be someone who is a fine looking cat that can date you!

Teena said...

The dating world is rough, isn't it?

Persevere! Don't give up!

Zeus said...

I don't understand why you have to search for more partners, Kukka. Are we of your Tomcat Stable too boring for your tastes? What can we do to spice it up? Should we go to classes? Read more self-help books for the bedroom? Just tell us what you need of us! Don't seek out internet hooligans!