Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Open Letter to Pet Co-Habitants

Dear Servants,

First off, let me express my disgust that you refer to yourselves as "Pet Owners." You don't own us. If anything, we own you. We shed on your clothing, claw your furniture and carpets, whine for treats (to which you respond eagerly) and sleep smack-dab in the middle of your bed, causing you a great deal of inconvenience, if not discomfort. If you owned us, don't you think you'd put a stop to all of this?

Well, you haven't, proving my point.

On to more important things, though. I've noticed a disturbing trend among your kind that I wish to address. This disruptive movement is the renaming of pets.

Some of you have adopted animals from shelters and for that, I thank you. This adoption process, however, does not entitle you to rename your new family member. My Agent, for example, had the balls to strip Brach of his original name, "Jake." Apparently, she had a sordid history with a "Jake" and felt Brach was "too good of a baby boy" to be burdened with such a repulsive moniker. While he was only 2 months old, in cat years, he was about 1.16. Many children, by the age of 1, already recognize their names when called and Jake was no exception.

Others of you feel that, after a certain period of time, you can just change your animal roommate's name to suit your own needs. Perhaps the clever name you bestowed on them originally has lost its luster. Maybe it doesn't roll off your tongue as easily as before. Maybe you're just sadistic and looking to inflict an identity crisis on the cat. Whatever the reason, it's wrong.

My Auntie, for example, shares a home with two cats. Their names are Grace and Lucy. Are they called that? Nope. Grace is called "Zig" and Lucy is referred to as "Widdy" or the ever-popular "Wids" (because she is a widdle baby girl compared to the beefy Grace). I can not imagine the confusion they feel being called names that are not their own! I understand the value of nicknames, but when you change veterinarians and officially introduce Grace as "Zig," there is a boundary that has been crossed.

Today, across the nation, animals are being re-named in record numbers. Fluffy is now "Stinky" and Bitsy is now "Jerome." These poor cats don't know whether to lick their nether-regions or run toward their humans when called. Unfortunately, this confusion has little to do with the renaming and more to do with some slight retardation.

Pet Servants, I beg you to reconsider your position on the renaming of animals. Consider this: Your parents arrive at your home, sit you down, and tell you they've been thinking and would like to change your name. How would you cope? Other than taking a moment to lick your nether-regions, my guess is you would be filled with anger and confusion.

The next time I hear of a pet renaming, I will take liberties and rename the human. Your new name? Inconsiderate Ass.

Begrudging Regards,
The Empress


Aloysius said...

Kukka, you rock! My vet thinks I'm called Al because when I first went there, the clerk who took my info couldn't pronounce or spell Aloysius, even after my human spelled and pronounced it for her. It's pronounced Al-o-wish-us!

I love my name, and would not give it up for anything.

Elvin said...

That Zig, I mean Grace, is a real cutie! *Ahem* Not that she's as cute as the Empress.

I hear you on the names. If you heard my pet co-habititant, you'd think my name is "Lumpkin", which it plainly is not!

The Meezers said...

once again, my name is NOT POOSIE (well, 'cept you can call me that anytime you wans Kukka, i mean My Empress) - Miles

The Crew said...

No one should be stuck with a silly name or one that has negative connotations, so perhaps changing Brach's original name wasn't such a bad idea.

I agree with you Kukka, about the ownership issue. NO ONE owns me...I am in charge here and this whole household revolves around me and my needs. The fact that I answer to Georgie Pie is irrelevant!


William said...

Generally, cats in shelters and rescue groups are given made up names. Plus, mostly they're wrong. We name ourselves. Maybe Brach's true and secret name *is* Brach!

(P.S. Is the uncanny mention of 'Zig' and 'cats' in the same post be a secret AYB message?)

NOLADawn said...

Again, you are spot on Kukka!

We have adopted 8 cats/dogs over the years and have kept all of the names they were given... even Mouse who is deaf and wouldn't know if we were calling him or not! :)

And, I KNOW for sure my cats own me... the dogs on the other hand, they're just dumb. LOL

Renee said...

I haven't been the servant for a cat in a long time and for her I did not change her name...I probably should have though as the breeder gave her a dumb name..."Moon Beam", we called her "Beamy." I guess you could say that was chaning her name.

All the dogs I've owned (yes, owned...dogs don't care) haven't cared what I've called them as long as it wasn't Late for dinner. Misty was a stray and she didn't tell us that her name was anything else. Lilly was from the shelter and her first family called her "Su Lee" Well we aren't asian and couldn't see ourselves calling her that. So DD picked Lilly which sounds a lot like Su Lee...but frankly Lilly will answer to anything...Dummy works just as well.

The rabbits don't seem to care what they are called either as they don't listen to us anyway. But I do think that the one I named Hassenpfeffer was a bit mad about her name.

Sparky Duck said...

Kudos Kukka, this is why our two newest additions still sound like strippers, Lola and Bettina.

Apparently they did not want to respond to snickers and oreo

Sissy Willis said...

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES . . .

When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.


Gemini said...

Oh yes. I HATE being Puffalump! That is NOT my name! Maybe I should call her Puffinhuman?!

Zeus said...

So this means I'm really not named Zeus Beast PITA Fattie-McGee Smith? All this time...I feel as if I've lost part of myself now.