First off, let me express my disgust that you refer to yourselves as "Pet Owners." You don't own us. If anything, we own you. We shed on your clothing, claw your furniture and carpets, whine for treats (to which you respond eagerly) and sleep smack-dab in the middle of your bed, causing you a great deal of inconvenience, if not discomfort. If you owned us, don't you think you'd put a stop to all of this?
Well, you haven't, proving my point.
On to more important things, though. I've noticed a disturbing trend among your kind that I wish to address. This disruptive movement is the renaming of pets.
Some of you have adopted animals from shelters and for that, I thank you. This adoption process, however, does not entitle you to rename your new family member. My Agent, for example, had the balls to strip Brach of his original name, "Jake." Apparently, she had a sordid history with a "Jake" and felt Brach was "too good of a baby boy" to be burdened with such a repulsive moniker. While he was only 2 months old, in cat years, he was about 1.16. Many children, by the age of 1, already recognize their names when called and Jake was no exception.
Others of you feel that, after a certain period of time, you can just change your animal roommate's name to suit your own needs. Perhaps the clever name you bestowed on them originally has lost its luster. Maybe it doesn't roll off your tongue as easily as before. Maybe you're just sadistic and looking to inflict an identity crisis on the cat. Whatever the reason, it's wrong.
My Auntie, for example, shares a home with two cats. Their names are Grace and Lucy. Are they called that? Nope. Grace is called "Zig" and Lucy is referred to as "Widdy" or the ever-popular "Wids" (because she is a widdle baby girl compared to the beefy Grace). I can not imagine the confusion they feel being called names that are not their own! I understand the value of nicknames, but when you change veterinarians and officially introduce Grace as "Zig," there is a boundary that has been crossed.
Today, across the nation, animals are being re-named in record numbers. Fluffy is now "Stinky" and Bitsy is now "Jerome." These poor cats don't know whether to lick their nether-regions or run toward their humans when called. Unfortunately, this confusion has little to do with the renaming and more to do with some slight retardation.
Pet Servants, I beg you to reconsider your position on the renaming of animals. Consider this: Your parents arrive at your home, sit you down, and tell you they've been thinking and would like to change your name. How would you cope? Other than taking a moment to lick your nether-regions, my guess is you would be filled with anger and confusion.
The next time I hear of a pet renaming, I will take liberties and rename the human. Your new name? Inconsiderate Ass.