She joined Pogo.com in October, at the insistence of a good friend. "You'll love it," the friend giggled. "It's games and fun and you get to meet and chat with cool people!"
I think that was the last time I saw my Agent without the notebook computer permanently affixed to her lap.
Here is a typical evening at my house:
Me: "Agent! Listen up!"As you can see, we were in need of a Pogovention. I arranged for the A&E TV crew from "Intervention" to come to my home and help us address my Agent. So she didn't suspect anything, she was told she was participating in a documentary on Pogo and its most super-sexy players.
She: (Not looking away from her screen and delivering the following with a tone that I consider inappropriate, if not downright offensive) "What is it you need, Kukka!? Unless the house is on fire, go lay down!"
Me: "Um...HELLO!? The litter box has not been scooped in days. My food bowl only has about 1/2 cup in there. And Brach? Brach has permanently parked himself in the shower, licking the faucet. He needs serious help, Agent."
She: (Clicking furiously with the mouse and mumbling) "Well, I don't know what to tell you. Can't you just take care of...YES! I HAD A 1,000 TOKEN JACKPOT SPIN!"
Me: "AGENT! LISTEN TO ME NOW AND HEAR ME LATER: YOU NEED TO LIFT YOUR LADY BUSINESS OFF THAT DAMN COUCH AND TEND TO YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES! EAR SCRITCHES AND BELLY RUBS DON'T JUST HAPPEN ON THEIR OWN, SKANK!"
I still can not believe she bought that! Like she is super-sexy?
As my Agent thought she was arriving to participate in her final interview for the "documentary," play one final game of Dice City Roller for the cameras, and show of her mini's new outfit (the customizable miniature version of my Agent that she believes looks just like her, while I'm of the opinion her mini has far more superior abs), she walked into a room full of people and cats who love her.
Okay, well, Brach and I were there, at least.
I know I haven't been able to visit my friends as much as I have and I miss that. I will continue trying to help her help herself, but I have to admit: When treats are at stake, my motto is and has always been "Live and let live!"
She: "What the hell is going on?"
Me: "Agent, this is a Pogovention. We are here today because we love you and want you to stop playing Pogo so much. Brach, will you read your letter first?"
He: "Dear Agent. When you play Pogo so much, it makes me sad..."
She: "Um, Brach? Don't you sleep all evening long?"
He: "Yes, I sleep through most of it, but in my heart I still feel sad."
She: "And, Brach? How often do you ask to be petted or want me to play with you?"
He: "Well, yes. I'm sort of independent, but that shouldn't mat..."
She: "And, Brach? Aren't you lacking the balls required to even bring this up to me?"
He: "Um...er...FINE! Kukka put me up to it. I didn't even KNOW you had a computer!"
Me: "I guess it's my turn, then. Dear Agent..."
She: (Sighing loudly for dramatic effect) "Is this really necessary?"
Me: "Shut it...now listen. Dear Agent. Once upon a time, you were a fun roommate. You used to spend hours rubbing my belly and scratching under my chin. Although reluctantly, you used to scoop every other day at a minimum and make sure we had clean water an kibble as far as the eyes can see. Lately, though, you have been playing on the computer way too much. I've noticed your bloodshot eyes, disheveled hair and drool dripping down your chin from excessive mouth-breathing as you concentrate. I've noticed the computer is less available to me for blogging and visiting other blogs...and that is unacceptable. Agent, will you accept the help that is being offered to you today?"
She: "What is the help?"
Me: "We've arranged for you to go far, far away for a long time to receive treatment for your Pogo addiction. While you are gone, I'm the boss, right? I mean, I'm the boss of everything. Right?"
She: "I'm pretty sure I have this under control, Kukka."
Me: "Says the lady with a keyboard print on her face because she fell asleep at her computer early this morning..."
She: "I'm not going. You are not the boss of me. I don't have a problem and if you mention it again, I will have you euthanized!"
Me: "How. Dare. You. Euthanized? You know my fur is tongue-clean only!"
She: "I give up. What will it take to make this conversation go away?"
Me: "Treats. And keep 'em coming."
She: "Kukka, this is a Snackervention. We are here today because we love you and want you to stop eating so many treats. Brach, will you read your letter first?"