Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Will Kukka Get Her "Twang" On Tonight?

Associated Press: In an impromptu press conference held on the front porch of Kukka's palatial estate, it was revealed that Empress Kukka-Maria, renown celebrity and feline blogger, will be performing at the Academy of Country Music Awards to be aired on CBS, tonight at 8:00pm, EDT. Due to the outlandish drama of last year's festivities, many speculated Kukka would shun the awards or be black-balled by the Academy altogether.

"After her on-stage shenanigans, we've considered revoking what was always intended to be open invitation to The Empress to perform/present at the ceremonies," explains Merv Fisher, Academy president. "Due to Kukka-Maria, we have had to adopt a 7-second delay on our live broadcast. We have hired an entire team of people to work the red censor buttons, instructing them to press the button any time Kukka meows a curse word. One man, simply trying to condition himself in preparation for tonight's broadcast, has developed carpal tunnel syndrome. Censoring The Empress is a task for 4 individuals...who do NOT take their jobs lightly."

Kukka-Maria's camp is far more casual when recalling last year's awards show. "Kukka-Maria is an A-List celebrity," her Agent rationalizes. "Stars of that caliber are excused when exhibiting what 'normal folk' consider questionable behavior. She did nothing that you or I would have done...if we were hugely popular and if we could have reached."

Brooks (or Dunn...we don't really care enough to do the research) has a very different recollection of the evening. "We were happier than a 3 yr old with a beer can when Kukka said she wanted to perform with us," he recollects. "Ah mean, Ah was so happy, Ah thought Ah'd hafta hire someone ta help me enjoy it! While mah singin' pardner and Ah were a bit troubled that we din' ain't had no rehearsals afore the show, we knew The Empress' reputation and knew she'd pull it off. We never thunk she would pull out what she did! Quaht frankly, Ah blushed a bit!"

According to archived footage, Empress Kukka-Maria did perform with Brooks and Dunn, as originally planned. Her lilting, melodic, yet slightly disturbing singing voice complimented the two gentlemen beautifully. During the last chorus, Kukka surprised the band, host and audience when she flung her hind leg over her head and began licking her nether-regions with wild abandon.

Reba McEntire was seated in the front row and remembers it like it was yesterday. "Y'all...she was lickin' her lady business! Ah was torn atween shock and admiration. Ah mean, who don't wish they could [clean] theirself that way! The real kick in the hind quarters was when she started singin' into her crotch, actin' lahk it was a microphone and accompanying herself on what she later called 'The Bass Buns."

"Kukka's lahk a booger ya just cain't thump awff," says Billie Jo Crabtree, president of a grassroots, morality-focused, Southern Baptist organization called, Killing Kitties for Jesus. "Ah lahk country music like the rest of y'all, but Ah'm nawt fixin' ta be made ta wawtch some cat flash her virginia in mah direction! She maht me cuter than a sack full o' puppies, but if she is allowed at the awards tonaht, we're picketin' and hollerin' and makin' quite the fuss. And when we start steamrollin' Dixie Chicks' cassette tapes, they're gonna know we mean bidness!"

While, at this point, Kukka's Agent is insisting The Empress will be on the red carpet tonight and seated in the front row, on Carrie Underwood's lap, numerous Academy members have said the committee is still in deliberating whether to grant her access or turn her away at the door.

When asked, in a phone interview, whether she is concerned about her attendance at the awards, The Empress stated simply, "Y'all...I really don't give two shits. I hate country music anyway!"

8 comments:

Cheysuli said...

Kukka, I had no idea you had a southern accent... Are you sure that's not an impersonator?

The Meezers said...

heh. musta been Dunn that saided that - Kix (the one in the hat) prolly would haf opened a beer on stage and gifen you a beer shampoo! Oh, and mommy says if you go near Kix this year, she will skratch your eyes out. ok, no not really. I haf my cowboy boots on and will gladly eskort you to the festivities if you want- Miles

The Crew said...

Kukka, the whole Stable will be there if you need us to be! We have to be sure our "gal" gets to walk the red carpet and sing on stage! We'll hold back the adoring crowd for you & Miles.

Brach, are you planning on playing guitar and singing backup?

The Meezers said...

ooooooo. I can werk sekurity wif the Crew if Brach is going to be your eskort. After all, he is your husband, he should haf ferst choice on the eskort fing. 'asides, I am itchin' fer a fight!! YAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOO

Miles

Renee said...

I don't normally watch these type shows anymore...but I may have to make an exception in your case Kukka. DD will have to go upstairs or something as I'm sure the sensors will be working overtime.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Oh Empress ... I think that Billie Jo Crabtree sounds an awful lot like that skanky-ho Britney Spears! Beware ...
DMM

Renee said...

I know I may regret this, but come write the blog I'm taking your questions to answer on my blog.

Sparky Duck said...

Ive scanned the news wires for Kukka reports. I must assume it will only end up on Extra or the Insider, yick