Monday, June 25, 2007

19 Signs Your Celebrity Feline Blogger Doesn't Want to Write Anymore

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "Kukka...how can I tell if my cat doesn't want to blog or if she is just an ungrateful bitch?"

Very easily.

I've done my research and have interviewed squillions upon squillions of humans who "own" blogging cats. And by "squillions upon squillions of humans," I mean I spoke with my Agent who, curiously, said she has had a lot of experience with an ungrateful bitch of a cat who never wants to blog.

Weird.

If your cat identifies with any of the following symptoms, you may have a disgruntled blogger on your hands. Or, in all fairness, an ungrateful, disgruntled, bitch of a blogger.

  1. She throws herself into a crazed tantrum--on her back, kicking and howling at the sound of Windows booting up.


  2. The rolling of her eyes when you say, "Now there's a great blogging topic!"


  3. The laptop power cord mysteriously disappears (and is later found, buried in the litterbox).


  4. Sudden and mysterious paw paralysis.


  5. She stops answering to her name...as in, "Kukka-Maria, get your furry little ass in here and write!" (Note: Mysteriously, there seems to be no identity crisis when being called for treats.)


  6. She does nothing but sit in her pajamas and watch marathons of VH1's "Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School" and "Celebrity Fit Club."


  7. Hysterical blindness.


  8. She bites into a huge bag of food, pumps her paws in the air and shouts, "I just won the mother-humpin' lottery...I QUIT THE BLOG!" [Editor's Note: Please tell me the irony of this food being "Weight Control" is not lost on you...]


  9. You find a suspicious puddle of cat piss next to the computer and a note: "There's more where this came from. Signed, Kukk...Anonymous."


  10. She claims she has "way too much to do today to blog." But, in this case, "too much to do" must include merely pacing around the house, napping, watching birds outside the window, and bullying her feline husband. Pretty rigorous schedule, indeed!


  11. She stages a hunger strike that last all of 3.27 minutes.


  12. She spends most of her day listening to non-existent voicemail messages on her cell phone, holding up one claw and mouthing, "Hang on a moment, please. I can't blog right this second...I need to get back to these people."


  13. US Weekly calls, repeatedly, to get the scoop on "...the blogging cat who is being hospitalized with exhaustion and can't write a thing in her delicate state..."


  14. She suddenly has morning sickness from a phantom pregnancy (that, based on the veterinarian receipt, is impossible).


  15. After years of denying her feline obesity, she suddenly claims her "floppy belly" impedes her ability to type on the laptop.


  16. She goes on a three-day drunk and you see her, plastered on covers of the tabloids, exposing her non-pantied crotch, flashing her multiple nipples and a brand-new tattoo that reads, "Blogging Bites!"


  17. Passive-aggressive pooping.


  18. She suddenly claims she neither reads nor writes English.


  19. Unlike George W. Bush, she recognizes that to keep up this bullshit longer than necessary is not just irresponsible...it's downright ridiculous.

7 comments:

Renee said...

Nothing like going out with a bang. I'm saddened by the fact that I'll be away for your last post ever...unless this is it. But you said the last day was June 29th.

Furry Logic said...

We are going to cry. We love your blog. It always cheers our Mother up during the day when she is at her salt mine.

The Meezers said...

if you eat an entire bag of weight control food in one sitting, you'll still lose weight, right? i mean, it IS weight control. - Miles

Cheysuli said...

3.27 minutes?! That's the longest hunger strike I've heard of! I can't believe they let you go that long!!!!

Derby said...

We may have to form a Kukka Anonymous and have a 12 step program to deal with your absense.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Yep, I'm with Derby ... "Hello. My name is 'Bill' and I'm a Kukka-holic."

It will be a sad, sad Friday ...

DMM

K T Cat said...

Another great post in a whole sea of them. At least you're going out on top.