May I present the top 23 reasons I hate jail:
- Maria "Krazee Bitch" Gonzalez, my new cellmate, has a rough touch when giving me nightly belly rubs.
- The kitchen duty to which I was assigned is MURDER on my claws! Wait. Not "MURDER." I meant "MANSLAUGHTER." Sorry, Krazee.
- The jumpsuits are last season AND I don't recognize the designer: LA County.
- Because Brach and my marriage is not legally recognized (speciest!), we are denied conjugal visits. I'm getting a little "restless," ifyouknowwhatImean...
- My prison nickname, "Multi-Nippled Mama," doesn't roll off the tongue that easily.
- The shackles on my ankles have rubbed my fur off and left my tender skin chafed.
- My team of feral alley cat lawyers have not been permitted to visit, under the "NO PETS ALLOWED" rule.
- Oprah has been sending hate mail that, because I'm bored out of my mind, I read. What a vindictive whore!
- I'm being courted by eleventy-three gangs. The cigarettes, condoms and razor blades taped to toothbrushes they are using to entice me are piling up.
- The jail food is making me fat. I have NEVER been fat! (Editor's note: Yes, she has. Pictures don't lie.)
- Treats only distributed 2 times per day. A TRAVESTY!
- No HBO, Cinemax, Showtime or Starz on the 13", black and white television in the community room.
- The county-issued panties are not thongs, yet continue to creep up my ass.
- I'm only allowed one visitor a day. It's going to take me weeks just to see the cast of Ocean's Thirteen, who have been waiting outside for a visit since the moment I was booked!
- Guard dogs.
- I have no use for the collection of Crack Cocaine, Crystal Meth and Heroine for which I've traded sexual favors in the last few days.
- They force me to take community showers, despite the fact I've proven time and time again how effective my tongue is for grooming.
- 140 thread-count sheets.
- The black and white stripes on the vintage prison garb I requested are horizontal and make me look pudgy.
- All the weights to lift in the yard are heavier than me!
- I'm required to use non-clumping litter. Ew.
- All the drunken slutting it up with LA judges I've done over the years was for naught, apparently. I thought my favor bank was full!
- For some odd reason, the other inmates don't applaud when I enter a room. Hmmm...curious.
I hope to be released sometime this weekend. We'll see how swift justice can really be. In the meantime, enjoy seeing my Agent on the news channels, in her FREE KUKKA shirt, telling my story.
I hope she paints a positive picture of me. Sometimes, with her, you never know.
I can, at least, count on Brach. I can, can't I?