With the announcement of my blogging retirement, the mail is arriving in record numbers. As usual, I contracted the actual reading of the mail to my Agent, as I really don't have time to be bothered with most of the letters. While I adore you, dear fans, some of your banal inquiries put me to sleep. And not a peaceful sleep; I am wrought with substandard postal nightmares.
With this final installment of "Dear Kukka..." (you can see the previous seventeen installments here), I find I'm answering many questions about being a cat.
Again, no offense to those whose letters my Agent chose.
I realize people are fascinated with felines--me, in particular, so I am willing to shed some light on many questions that stump you about my species. I hope my scientific jargon and insight doesn't confuse or bore you. I can't help that I am super-smart, in addition to being super-foxy.
It's my cross to bear.
Without further ado...let's open some mail!
Q: Is English your first language, Empress? You are very articulate and I am always impressed with your grasp of the English language.
A: You are impressed? Duh!! And why wouldn't you be? English is, in fact, my second language. The first six weeks of my life, I spoke Meow. After moving in with my Agent, I secretly learned English. She would speak it freely and, through immersion, I was able to pick up words and phrases here and there. Some of the first expressions I learned were, "Do you want treats?" and "Knock it off, you miserable, little cat!" Slowly, but surely, I became fluent without my Agent's knowledge. It wasn't until she came upon my blog (damn internet browser history and cookies) that she discovered I knew more than she thought. I actually speak several languages including, but not limited to: Spanish, French, Italian, Greek, Hindi (love my Bollywood musicals), Arabic (I was Ambassador to Morocco for 6-months during 2001. Let's just say I'm not allowed back in their country) and Dzongkha (from a crazy, drunken Peace Corps stint in Bhutan).
The only languages I do not speak are Canadian English and Catspeak. Not knowing Canadian English has cost me an appearance at the Oscars when I couldn't read the instructions on the cheap, but illegal prescription drugs I had smuggled out of Canada. Not knowing Catspeak makes it difficult to understand many of the cat blogs out there. I'm too busy teaching Dzongkha to Brach to concern myself with words like BROFUR, SISFUR, PURRTHDAY, etc. Some dialects are so confusing it takes me 10 minutes to read a one-paragraph post. So I just don't visit. Sorry.
Q: Kukka, why do cats bury their turds?
A: Would you want your turds sitting precariously on the surface of a mound of clay in front of God and everyone? What a stupid question!
Q: Kukka-Maria, you often suggest part of your extreme super-sexiness can be attributed to your vertical pupils. Why do cats have them and why are yours so special?
A: Thank you for recognizing how awesomely awesome my vertical pupils are (or, at least acknowledging I think they are...). It is well-documented that cats have vertical pupils to see things at actual size. Because our eyeballs are relatively tiny, if we were to sport those little, round pupils humans have, things would look significantly smaller. 1:9, to be exact. With that miniature scale, our kibble would be virtually invisible and our litterboxes so small, we would consistently miss and, in our frustration, resist using the box altogether. Even my bank account would appear to have less money than it does! And I'm not having that! [Editor's note: Her bank account doesn't have as much cash in it as she believes, since she is often paid in belly rubs and ear scritches.] As for why mine are so special? Give me a break! Take a look at those eyes! Question, answered.
Q: Her Holiness, were you born super-sexy or is it a skill you acquired? I am considering becoming super-sexy (I'm only moderately-sexy at this point), so I'm hoping you might have some advice for me.
A: My advice: Give it up. It's not going to happen. Super-sexiness is a genetic thing. You either have it, or you don't. My birth-mother was super-sexy. HER mother was super-sexy. My great-grandmother was only tolerably-sexy, but that was because she had freakishly-grotesque bald spots in her fur and a lazy eye (her mother drank and used catnip when she was expecting that litter). While every day I become super-sexier and am about ready to make the leap to sensationally-sexy, there is nothing I do to make it so. It just is. Despite the shame that accompanies your dismal level of sexiness, keep your chin up. Maybe there are other attributes on which you can focus. Like, let's see...do you put out? There is little shame in being a slut! Or so I'm told...
Q: Empress, how is it that you have dated human celebrities and received no backlash in the tabloids regarding the bestiality angle?
A: Before I address this, I want to welcome all the pervs Googling "bestiality!" And a hearty WELCOME BACK to the many who have visited before when your "animal porn" search pointed you to my tongue-in-cheek, post called "Pet Porn--An Investigative Report." (You sick fucks.)
Having dated Brad Pitt for a year and a half which, in cat years is like twenty, Hollywood got used to our pairing. Did we get uncomfortable stares when we went to Pet Smart in the beginning of our relationship? Absolutely! In hindsight, though, I think that was more about our super-sexy auras than our inter-species pairing. It was clear to all that our love was strong and pure. Before Brad, I dated George Clooney. [Editor's note: Representatives for Mr. Clooney offer this official word on his alleged relationship with Kukka-Maria: "We can neither confirm, nor deny a romantic history between The Empress and George. We can say that George experienced a great deal of heart-ache over a particular, un-named feline, but he is not in the practice of belly-rubbing and telling."] Back then, things were different. We dealt with taunts everywhere we went. Many thought that was the reason I broke his heart, but it wasn't. It was because he had that pig (may he rest in peace) and I didn't want to share his attention with a filthy swine. I wasn't judging the pig; I was being my typically selfish self!
Q: I love the eye glasses you're rockin' in the "Dear Kukka..." posts! I never see you wear them in other posts; do you wear contacts the rest of the time?
A: Don't be ridiculous! CATS DON'T WEAR CONTACTS, FOOL! We only wear glasses.
Q: Empress, after you retire, are you taking your blog down and, if not, will you be posting occasionally?
A: I will not be removing my blog. There are over 400 inspirational posts in the archives that will continue to enhance lives all over the world. As for posting occasionally? I may. I may not. I've always been a very shy and private person [cough], so to clam up and not share the details of my life would not be out-of-character. While amazing things will continue to happen in my life, I will probably leave you to reading about them in the tabloids. I only ask you to use your judgment as to whether or not the stories are accurate. Use this as your guide: If they say I'm being charitable, kind, or gracious...FALSE. If they say I'm whoring it up all over West Michigan...TRUE.
Speaking of whoring it up, I have a few booty calls to make!