Associated Press (AP): In what witnesses have described as a "complete feline fiasco," Empress Kukka-Maria was arrested late yesterday as a protest, organized by the celebrity blogging cat, got out of hand.
"When the dispatcher directed us to the scene, I knew it was going to be a hot, grizzly mess," explained Louis Miffler, police lieutenant and cat blogging enthusiast. "As I collected the information I needed to prepare to deal with the chaos, I heard words like 'Kukka-Maria,' 'claw scratching,' and 'brutal hissy fit.' Having read her blog, I knew that it would require riot gear and stones of steel."
By-standers confirm this with their play by play accounts.
"I was walking down the street, saw the picket signs and heard the yelling and hissing," explained Nancy Parker, balancing a screaming toddler on her hip. "My kid was squalling, my head was throbbing, but I was compelled to see what the commotion was about. When I saw it was Kukka-Maria, I about died! I've been itching to meet her for years and here she was swatting at police officers and angrily peeing on the sidewalk--RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I had no choice but to shove my kid's stroller aside and approach that cat!"
"No one knew that Kukka would fly into such a rage when Mrs. Parker approached her," continued Lieutenant Miffler. "All we could see was fur flying and claws swatting. We tried calling to Mrs. Parker, asking her to retreat slowly, but apparently, she was unable to hear us over the hissing and moaning."
Other protesters, some for Paris' release and some for the legalization of catnip-covered crack cocaine, were shocked at the Empress' behavior.
"When Kukka called to round up people for her protest, I was really excited to have the opportunity to spread the word about Icy Nipples [nip-covered crack]," said Rainbow Sunflower, president of the Hippies for Catnip-Covered Drugs Coalition. "We came out, in full force, with our signs, our hearts and our voices. Apparently, Kukka brought more than that!"
According to police reports, Kukka-Maria was packing a can of pepper spray, a butterfly knife, some brass knuckles and steel-toed stilettos. Clearly she was planning to send an aggressive message. And that, she did.
"Holy [expletive]!" exclaimed Nicole Richie. "Paris is my BFF [Best Friend Forever], and I'd do anything to help clear her name, but I never expected it to get this violent! That Kukka is one crazy [expletive]! I admire her tenacity and the fact she only weighs 12 lbs. I'm going to be just like her someday. Except for the tenacity part, though."
After a heated and very physical altercation, Empress Kukka-Maria was apprehended and whisked to the LA County Jail in a city-issued, orange pet carrier. With shouts of "[Expletive] YOU, [expletive]s! You mother-[expletive]ing [expletive]s will pay for this! Paris is innocent and so am I, [expletive]y [expletive] [expletive]s!"
"The irony of this case is that the celebrity cat intended to get Paris released from jail, and now she's joined her," mused Lieutenant Miffler. "I know I'll pay for this comment later, when she's released and her butterfly knife is back in her possession; however, I can't help but be a little amused."
"All in all," sighs Nancy Parker, snuggling her child and squinting into the sun. "Meeting Kukka was worth getting my cornea scratched, my face irreversibly scarred and my lady business completely clawed to shreds. She is one super-sexy feline!"
The arraignment hearing for Kukka-Maria has yet to be scheduled.