Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Entitlement Equals Inconvenience

My Agent has suddenly felt empowered. As a single woman in her early thirties (she is determined to hold onto that title until her 35th birthday later this summer), she has suddenly realized she is the boss of her. Of her home. And of us, apparently.

One of her revelations is that she can sleep ANYWHERE she wants on her queen-sized bed. She used to keep pillows, neatly stacked, on both sides and relegate herself to "her area." While a bit anal, I appreciated it because I was able to zonk out where I pleased on a laaaaaaarge half of the bed. Now, she seems to believe that sleeping in the middle, or worse--diagonally is the best for her. There is no taking my feelings into consideration. No worries about The Empress' comfort. I would never do that to her.

But, then again, I'm not a bitch.

Another thing she does is use the bathroom--WITH THE DOOR OPEN! She claims, since she lives alone, this is a non-issue. Um...hello!? Last time I checked, delusional Agent, you do not live alone. You have two aroma-sensitive felines who allow you to live with them. And one has horrific allergies (not me, I'm flawless). To be this immodest with your bodily functions is atrocious. And let's not even talk about her shower practices! Even I have a hooded litterbox--and I'm the most bold and brash feline I know! The last thing I would want is for you to watch me cop a squat and deposit my waste.

We must be different in that way.

Finally, she controls the remote control for the television. She claims, since she pays the cable bill, she is entitled to watch what she wishes. After making that proclamation, she'll laugh and say, "But if you two want to watch TV all day long, while I'm at work...please do!" What a crock of shit. She knows I won't use the remote because it's murder on my manicure and that Brach is Mysophobic and won't touch anything but his food, his water, his litterbox (that he doesn't seem to know we share) and his bed(s). Funny, Agent. Rrrrrrrrre-he-eally funny.

No, it's not.

I don't know what will temper this selfish-a-thon, but it must stop soon. Does she need a man? Does she need therapy? Do I need to slip a "roofie" into her Crystal Light? Whatever the solution, it needs to come quickly. I'm tired from no sleep. I'm dizzy from human turd deposits. And I'm bored from no E! News Daily, Entertainment Tonight, and The Insider.

Give a blogging, royal, super-sexy cat a break for crying out loud!


Cheysuli said...

Can you hire someone to work your remote? I mean it could take a while--first you'd have to apply for a credit card in her name (that she doesn't know about so you can use with impunity) and then you have to find a worker like that who will take a credit card (though perhaps they will take paypal) and then you are set--at least for the television part.

The Crew said...

Such a shame that we felines can't get good help any more. I sympathize with your plight my dear, and must say that the performance of MY staff grows worse every day!

It might be time to give your Agent a refresher course in the house rules, not that it would do much good, but we must hold out hope. Unfortunately, humans seem to forget our households revolve around US, not THEM. I've been working on the same problem here for almost 10 years and am very disappointed in the lack of progress being made. What IS their problem in remembering that I require ice in my water bowl...DAILY!


Renee said...

When did you get out of Jail?!?!

She must have gotten used to all the bed space while you were on the cot in the slammer!

The Meezers said...

about the bed - was your agent confining herself to one side of the bed to praktice for hafing a husband there all the time? 'acause mommy says that the men don't care about how much of the bed THEY take up, so tell her to feel free to roam around and get comfy. I say, sneak the pillows back, find somefing to tie her up wif and confine her again.

about the human litterbox room door - well our mommy doesn't close it eifurr. but mainly that's 'acause we frow ourselfs into it when it's closed. she is nto allowed to be 'ahind closed doors in our house.

about the 'amote. once it's on a channel you like, sit your sooper sexy booty on it and don't move. oh, and if you poot on it that's a good fing. they doesn't like the fumes and they won't touch it for several hours until the green cloud goes away.


DaisyMae Maus said...

Wow ... Are all humans this bad? Mom is forever locking us OUT of the bathroom and rarely opens the door for us no matter how much we stretch our front legs under the door and pull.

Good luck gettin' her to change her habits. You could try to force some modesty, but I think you may have a pretty nasty power struggle on your paws ...


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William said...

It sounds like your agent is suffering from some sort of episode. Maybe you and Brach need to stage an intervention or something.

Hot(M)BC said...

Cat staff is so hard to train right. Tell her to at least leave the tv on for you if you want to watch E during the day. And to close the bathroom door for goodness sake!