Friday, June 29, 2007

Fade to Black

The Empress is retiring, but her greatest works are not! If you're looking for a Kukka-Fix, check out this collection of some of her greatest posts--based, of course, on fan feedback and a poll in USA Today.


I've started this post a squillion* times. What began as an "Open Letter to my Readers" became a heart-felt note from My Agent. After watching her hide her face as she gingerly wiped away tears, however, I had to ask her to step away from the laptop and allow me to use one of my favorite formats to close the show: The List.

So, dear readers, allow me to present my final list:

22 Things I've Learned From Blogging.

  1. Your self-esteem is not tied to the number of visitors you get each day or the amount of comments you receive.


  2. People want affirmation; people want to be appreciated. Even you!


  3. Holding the title of "Mother Superior of the Holy Order of Ocean Whitefish" in the Feline Theocracy gets you kick-ass seating at restaurants! (Sorry, Bono. I get better seating as Mother Superior than I do as your personal guest!)


  4. Photo-editing is FUN!


  5. No one seems to mind that you have multiple boyfriends...AND a husband! (My Agent is pretty stoked about this one, too. She says it gives her hope.)


  6. No matter how many times you mention Brad Pitt, he never seems to find the time to throw you an email, thanking you for the good press.


  7. Swearing makes you giggle.


  8. Writing anonymously, through the voice of a cat, affords you a shitload of wiggle room when it comes to decency.


  9. When you laugh out loud at your own jokes and re-read your own posts because you think they are the funniest things you ever read? Life is good.


  10. After awhile, your friends will stop rolling their eyes when you talk endlessly about your blog and will just ignore you and/or swiftly change the subject.


  11. No matter how dis-similar to a typical "cat blog" you try to be, you will always be "just a cat." Oh, and the more you try to justify how not like a cat blog you are to people you meet, the deeper into the hole you will slide.


  12. Maintaining a high-profile, celebrity romance (whether human or feline) is HARD! Sometimes you just need to cuddle and tune out the negative tabloid press.


  13. When you repeatedly use phrases like "super-sexy," "squillions," and "multiple-nipples" in your writing, you are bound to let them bleed into your daily verbal encounters. Great fun!


  14. It's hard to write fresh, exciting and fun essays 5 days, each week. Sometimes you can't hit the mark--and that's okay.


  15. Blogging should be fun. When it stresses you out? Let it go! When you meet "odd" (to be kind) people who piss you off? Let them go! When you're too sick to go to work, but spend your day feeling guilty because you didn't post? GET A LIFE!


  16. Choosing NOT to participate is okay. You don't have to join into every meme or contest. If you're worried about people getting offended, refer to #15.


  17. Picking your nose with sharp claws is difficult and requires your full attention. Trying to Tivo your own appearance on The View, while mining for booger-nuggets, can lead to incredible blood loss. This has little to do with blogging, but an important life-lesson I felt compelled to share.


  18. If ever you need an evil villain for your creative writing, Oprah is an easy mark. The shit practically writes itself! Star Jones-Reynolds works, too.


  19. It's true! When you constantly call yourself "super-sexy," soon others will refer to you as such! I think they call it: Suggestive Selling. "Do you want an order of super-sexy with that diva-esque attitude?"


  20. It's far more valuable to find a few individuals who appreciate your humor, than court an entire group of people for whom you need to water-down your writing to gain readership.


  21. No matter how cool you think they are, you are probably the only person walking around wearing items from the Kukka Couture Collection. Well, there are probably a few others...who received Kukka-wear as gifts or prizes in a blog contest.
    UPDATE: I have officially closed my store. DON'T CRY! Seriously...if you cry, then I'll cry! If you have your heart set on obtaining any Kukka Couture, you can email me and I will do a custom order. That's how I roll.


  22. Even though you retire from blogging to do new and exciting things, you are going to miss far more than you are missed.


To those of you who have stuck with me through all the celebrity feuds and drunken, red carpet throw-downs...thank you. I would love to say that writing this blog has been only for me, but I can't lie: The feedback is intoxicating and, aside from the constant paparazzi presence outside my window, I'm going to be very lonely without the attention.

To those of you for whom this post is your first taste of Kukka...go eff the ess out of your gee dee self! Where have you been for the last two years? Now, now...you know I'm kidding (sort of). I dare you to read through the archives and NOT become a rabid fan. At least check out this comprehensive list.

It's tough to close this post. It's not so much an emotional hurdle; it's because I know, as soon as I post the entry, I'm going to have more to add.

Fact: I will always have more to add! But, at my Agent tells me, "Just because you have more to say, doesn't necessarily mean you should say it."

Werd.


* I have to give a last shout-out to my very first Tomcat Stable member, Squilliam (William of Mass Destruction) for inventing my second-favorite word of all times: SQUILLION. My first favorite word: KUKKA.

68 comments:

The Crew said...

Of course you'll have more to add. Creative genius cannot be stifled!!!

Cheysuli said...

Oh Kukka, you have brought tears to my eyes. If I didn't know I could at least call you for celebrity gossip, I'd still be in the hospital!

You look divine--of course.

DK & The Fluffies said...

We have loved reading every post for the past two years. We'll miss your snarky prose. All the best Sophia, Fiona Bun, Orlando Bun and Michelle (DKM)

We'll always have Paris... And those fond nipple ring memories. ~Xavier

The Meezers said...

oh Kukka, I'm just so very sad. Thank you for making us laugh for the past 18 months. You are truly sooper-sexy and wonderful Oh, and I have an I heart Kukka t-shert that I buyed with my own money (that I stole from Mommy). I lay on it all the time. I hope that you will still sometimes visit my blog and say Hi.

love you always
Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

My Crew: You know it! A diva's mouth (and keyboard) can not be stifled. I'm sure I'll have more to add here and there, but I'm ready for my much-needed/deserved rest. My first retirement task: Having my lady business professionally steam-cleaned. I'm not saying it's filthy, but...well...

Chey: You can always call my Celebrity Gossip Super-Secret Bat Phone when you want the scoop. Just because Brad doesn't drop me frequent emails doesn't mean we don't spend hours upon HOURS on the telephone. I've got your hook-up, gurrrrrrl!

DK & Gang: Thank you so much! You're a friend from way back and will forever hold a special place in my heart. Xavier...I thought we swore we weren't going to talk about the nipple rings every again?! Oh MY!

Miles: You have always looked so studly in that "I Heart Kukka" shirt you purchased. Of course, not as super-sexy as you do in your BARE FUR! I heart you, Miles...

The Tower Hill Mob said...

We'll miss your social commentary.
And, of course, the multiple nipples...

Hot(M)BC said...

We gives you a five tail salute Kukka!!!!! We'll all miss yoo lots. Haf fun bossin around yore Agent wif yall's noo adventures
Purrrrrrrrrrs,
Sanjee, Boni Maroni, Mini, Gree and Pepi

Kukka-Maria said...

Tower Hill Mob: You can always join my pay-to-play porn site (www.kukkagivesgoodtail.com) to see my multiple nipples for only $19.99/mo. I'M KIDDING!
[Mumbles: "It's really $29.99/mo..."]


Hot(M)BC: A FIVE TAIL SALUTE!? If five tails are flying high, what kind of air-biscuits are flying, too?! IN-COMIIIIIIING! Thanks, you guys! When I bark orders at My Agent, I'll think of you cheering me on. Kisses!

Riley & Tiki said...

We will miss you and hope that after a rest that you change your mind.

Finnegan & Buddy said...

>sigh< We will miss you so much, Miss Kukka. Maybe Brach will have time to post an update now and then?

We will miss hearing about your celebrity friends and enemies. We will miss seeing wonderful pictures of you. We will miss your beyootiful eyes.

Will our sadness ever end?

Humbly yours,
your servants Finnegan Tailchaser and Buddy Longwhiskers

Karen Jo said...

Enjoy your retirement, Kukka. It's been a fun ride and I'm sad to see it end.

Kukka-Maria said...

Riley & Tiki: You are sweet; thank you. I don't plan on pulling a Barbra or Celine and come out of retirement right away, but I do appreciate the thought!

Finny & Buddy: The world mourned when "Friends" aired their final broadcast, but then we remembered they would be airing RE-RUNS every night at 5:30p. If you want your dose of Kukka, just come back here at 5:30p, every day, and click a random month in my archive. I'm still there for you.

As for Brach blogging? My Agent is in the process of installing "Anti-Catspeak" software on our laptop. Apparently, it will make it very difficult for us to type. Crap.

Karen Jo: Quite simply...thank you. Thank you so much.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Aw, Kukka ... It's been a pleasure and an honor. Your blog is an inspiration to literate felines efurrywhere.
DMM

mcabty said...

Dearest Kukka-Maria,
What a day of mixed emotions. While absolutely delighted with "the Tamponator 3000" (one of the best posts in our opinion), we are filled with deep sadness reading your final post. Although you don't really know us, you have a special place in our hearts. We can only hope that as we return to read through your archives, we will find an occasional new post from you or Brach (maybe Brach will have something to say when the new Harry Potter book comes out!). Our best wishes to you, Brach and Agent. You will be truly missed.
Yours faithfully,
Nessa and Leah in San Diego

Victor Tabbycat said...

Kukka-Maria, I haf to let you in on a secrit afore it's too late... don't laff at me, kay?
::deep breath::
iloveyouandialwayshaveandialwayswill

There. I said it. ::whimper::

Kukka-Maria said...

Daisymae: You have always been so sweet to me. Today was no exception. Thank you.

Nessa and Leah: Not to brag (because it's SOOOO not like me to do so), but The Tamponator 3000 post quickly turned into a favorite of mine, too. I was really glad I had that in me before I threw in the towel. It was a swan-song, of sorts. Thank you for mentioning it! Brach is grounded from all-things Harry Potter until he gets his string addiction under control. Again, last night, he tried eating dental floss. Does he not remember? Thank you guys for your support!

Victor: You stud! I never knew...and now that I do? I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. There is no laughter from me on this one. Just tingling in my lady business. ;)

Derby said...

Kukka I will miss your attitude and catitude. Always entertaining and on the edge.

Hope you and Brach can continue to haunt the blogosphere now and then.

While I was never one of your Tom-Cat Stable, I have a place for you in my heart!

Auf Wiedersehen.

Sara said...

I've only just found you Kukka! Please say it ain't so!!!

Eric and Flynn said...

Kukka we are going to miss you. how are we going to keep up with the cutting edge of things without you?
We didn't really understand what that Tamponator was all about, but mum couldn't stop laughing, and she wouldn't even explain it to us.

Karen said...

I checked you blog often to read about your exciting life. I am saddened to see you leave us. I can Only hope for ocasional updates .

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

Oh Kukka....what can I say? I always thought you were the most super-sexy feline and I always visited your blog to see what you were up to because lets face it, I live a boring life. Thanks for sharing these lovely thoughts with all of us. Your whit will be deeply missed!

Chase

Kukka-Maria said...

Derby: You have always been an honorary member of The Tomcat Stable. If only you didn't look so much like my husband! Of course we'll still be haunting the blogosphere and will check in on you from time to time.

Sara: How did you just now find me? You must not read the tabloids when you're in the check-out lane. I'm glad you found me, though, and would be honored if you took a look at my archives.

Eric & Flynn: I don't get the hype about The Tamponator 3000, either. All I know is that when I see toys, I play.

Karen: You're way too sweet! Just when you think you miss me, just look up on my pedestal...I'll be perched right there. ;)

Chase: It takes a super-sexy cat to know a super-sexy cat, stud. Kisses!

William said...

I had to beg my mom to turn on the computer tonight just so I wouldn't miss your farewell post. Giving you your second-favorite word was a very small exchange indeed for all the fun.

Empress, thanks for the mammories.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

RIT387 said...

It's been a great ride Kukka. I will miss your super-sexiness. But, I still have the archives...sniff.

Kukka-Maria said...

Squilliam: Mammories? *snort* You FLOOR me, baby! They always say you remember your first...you are my first Tomcat Stable member. You will always hold a special place in my multiple nipples. I mean...heart.

rit387: My super-sexiness is not something that can be missed; my archives are drowning in it! BAAAAAAH-HA! I crack myself up. Please wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before disembarking to the left. I jest...

Ayla said...

We'll all miss you Kukka. The blogosphere will not be the same without your presence.

Kukka-Maria said...

Ayla: Thank you so much. You're not at grumpy as you would want us to believe... ;)

Zeus said...

I know I will miss you dearly, Kukka. Thank you for being the inspiration I needed for the past year. I hope we hear from you as you pass through the blogosphere from time to time. It just won't be the same without you.

K T Cat said...

Kukka,

That was a great list. I could transfer about 90% of it to my blog and have it be as accurate. I think a blogger grows with their blog, but in the end, the return diminishes as it does with most things. All of the interesting avenues are explored and the variations tried.

By sharing your creative journey with this blog you've enriched all of us and guided and boosted us on our own. That's a gift that's hard to repay (but fun to try!).

You will always have a place in the Theocracy. Tuna, sunbeams and belly rubs shall be yours forever. Thanks for all the effort you put into this. It made a difference to me.

Blog or no, I remain your faithful friend,
K T Cat

tiggerprr said...

I am so sad.

From OC, your wannabe stunt double. (As told to his Mom)

Kukka-Maria said...

Zeus: My man-meat. Don't you worry...there will be red carpets on which I will expect you to accompany me. You're not off the hook that easily! I heart you...

KT Cat: Oh, Maximum Leader of the Feline Theocracy! Thank you for the kind things you expressed; you are a dear. My Agent will be starting another blogging initiative in the fall--I just don't want any part of it. It's time for me to step out of the spotlight (I know, I know...I never thought I'd hear me say that, either). Thanks for your support.

OC: Don't you THINK I have forgotten about you as my stunt double! While it might require you shoving your paws into two pair of Manolo Blahniks, I may call upon you to act as me at an awards event or such in the near future. I can't be bothered with EVERY public appearance request! Thanks for the kind words...

caricature said...

This is my first thorough visit to this blog ~ Kukka is such a pretty cat ~ love the 22 points. Best of luck in whatever you do after retiring from blogging. Have a great life!

Junior said...

Dearest Kukka,

I remember the first time I let Meowm read your blog....she laughed so hard she had tears running down her face. Although you didn't hear from me, as I was simply a lurker....I truly have enjoyed reading all about your delightful life! You will be missed!!

Skeezix the Cat said...

I will shur miss yer blog. I was always amazed that yoo cood say all the werds on my bad werd list and not git in trubble.

... but duz this meen I can't order the Tamponator 3000?? Mr Tasty Face thinks the Food Lady needs one.

Max said...

=sigh=

Another goodbye.

I will miss laughing crunchy treats out my nose when I read your stuff. Though I'm not sure I'll miss the massive bleeding that ensues.

And Buddah was almost old enough to start lurking here...

Carmen said...

I came by to bid adeiu to you Kukka. Your blog has made me shoot liquids out of my nose several times, causing all these spotty marks on my laptop screen. ;) Please tell your agent to keep my email and drop me a line on occassion. I'll miss you, and Pooh says he'll miss you too, although he was never cool enough to be officially in the Tomcat Stable.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. :_(

Kukka-Maria said...

Caricature: Thanks for stopping by and for the well-wishes!

Junior: Lurker? For shame! ;) Thanks for lurking...

Skeezix: You, too, can say the bad words. All you need to do is get some really good dirt on your Agent and she'll back right off. Worked for me!

Max: What a compliment coming from a published author! Thanks so much and sorry for the bleeding nose. Tell Buddah he can sneak on and read my archives if he wants to learn about the underbelly of the cat blogging world...

Carmen: Sorry about the spots on your screen. I really should have put a disclaimer at the bottom of my blog about that. I'll tell my Agent to keep you in her cyber-rolodex. She should have some time this summer (before starting her new blog) to toss you a line and check in on you! Thanks for your support and friendship.

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

You'll be missed Kukka, my dear.

Hugs, love and chihuahua kisses

PrincessMia said...

Peace out, homie!

xo,
Mia

The Meezers said...

::SIGH:: - it's only been 4 days and I'm in Kukka withdrawl. I don't know what to do wif myself. i need a 12 step kukka program. - your ever loyal Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Pink Chihuahuas: I normally don't allow dog kisses on my pretty, pink nose, but yours weren't so bad! Thanks!

Princess Mia: Werd, Homeslice.

Miles:You can do this, Miles! One day at a time...

Simba said...

Dear Kukka,
I was late coming to realize about your retirement because my Mom was overseas for a while and not reading your blog. We will both miss you very much. Your blog was our entree into cat blogs, and we waited each day for your posts. You and your agent are very creative! Hope it isn't really true that you have retired!
Simba

The Cat Realm said...

I Dare You!
Come on over and check it out!
Anastasia

brandywine said...

About freaking time!! I think this blog was part of some probationary guidlines for either you or your agent....time served! You will need an outlet for your wit and daggers for the social misfits. Now maybe you'll have time to return an email? lol

The Meezers said...

::sigh:: - Miles

NOLADawn said...

Wahhhh!!! I am actually crying over here. At least I have my Kukka mug to cry in and I can see your sweet face on the magnet every time I go into the fridge for more booze to sob into. What will we do without you dear Kukka!!!

Derby said...

Still gone. We miss you ::sigh::

The Meezers said...

yep, i just hadded to come back to see your pikshurs and say "hi, i miss you". fanks for visiting me the other day. - your ever loyal and loving tomcat Miles

beingmccrary said...

oh..that is sad. :(

THE ZOO said...

Oh Kukka yoo will be missed. I cant think of how aften ive quoted yoo and laffed owt lowd at my desk. Yoo made werk days barable. And yoo made me lurn to spell rite (by sownd) then proper. Ill definatly be back to read yur archives.

Jaya said...

Arrrrrrrg. I am cursed. My timing sucks. I have just found this blog and fallen utterly in love with it TONIGHT, and after joyfully jumping around through it, I notice the top post saying there will be no further updates. I'm weeping into my bowl of cream. This is just so WRONG.


Yes, yes, I can see there are two years of archived posts for me to enjoy, but that will only make me love this blog more, and feel even more depressed that there will be no more new updates. And why has all this happened anyway? Is that explained somewhere??? What is next for Kukka, and what about The Agent??

Have you thought about installing a few live vid cams around the house, so we could just watch your lives continue to unfold, even if you are no longer blogging??

Oh! I just can't believe I missed out on all this while it was going on. It's the middle of the night here in New Mexico. In less than 5 hours I have to go to a staff meeting. We always start the meetings with these horrid check-in things where we have to talk about how we are feeling... I will be WEEPING and talking about how a cat named Kukka has stopped blogging. None of the other staff will understand. None of them live with more that 2 cats, and some of them can hardly figure out how to turn on a computer, much less read a blog... yes, this morning's meeting is going to be the last straw that confirms all their doubts about my sanity.

This is a dark day, a very dark day indeed.

Amanda said...

NONONONONOOOOO! I LITERALLY just found you two days ago.... and now you are leaving?

Well, at least i can read back for a good long while....

very creative, cute blog. i needs me one of those tamponators, btw...

The Meezers said...

Hi Kukka - just checking in to see if you is hafing a nice restful summer. I miss you! - your adoring "poosie" Miles

Furry Logic said...

We miss you, Kukka. Hope all is going well with you.

The Meezers said...

I still miss you Kukka. lots. I still sleep on my I heart Kukka shert.

adoringly, your Poosie

The Meezers said...

Kukka darling - I got my Kukka's Boy tat moved to a more "private" area that is less photographed - it was never gone.

as for the police - shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I haf no regrets Kukka about anyfing we did Kukka, but I'm kinda sad you to.

adoringly - your Poosie

the one and only Mitz said...

Wow, just stopped in after a long-hiatus from Blogland (Meowmie's fault) ....Wishing you many happy blog-free years to come oh Empress divine. Love ya and won't forget you.

Headbonks, The Mitz

PS Meowmie says your Agent has some very good advice.

The Meezers said...

i still miss you Kukka - Miles

Knightly, Lizzie, & Firenze said...

Oh Kukka, we have been out of touch for a long time and we come back to this?! We are sorry that you have gone, but at least we can read your archives. We wish you the best Kukka-Maria (an Brock too).

The Monsters

PS. Our Mom says that she now has a hernia after reading about Tamponator 3000. She also snorted milk through her nose.

Knightly, Lizzie, & Firenze said...

We are very emabarassed that we mis-spelled Brach's name. We are so sorry Brach!

The Monsters

The Meezers said...

Kukka my love, I just want to wish you a happy thanksgiving. and Brach too. - love Miles

Fat Eric said...

I am going round the blogs saying Happy Thanksgiving to all my Mericky friends! I am furry jealous that we don't have a turkey day here today but mum says I only have to wait till Christmas...:-)

THE ZOO said...

Happy Thanksgiving.

Pixel said...

Kukka and Brach,
Hope your holidays are great. I became a blogging cat after your final post. But my mom had always loved you guys. I hope to be half the woman you are when i grow up.

The Meezers said...

KUUUUUUUUUUUKA!!! ::sigh:: - Miles

THE ZOO said...

We hoped yall haded a Merry Christmas.

THE ZOO said...

We hoped yall haded a Merry Christmas.

Camie's Kitties said...

Happy New Year Kukka - We think Mom might have commented on your blog as Tara (not the cat). We love your wit, and miss you.

Tiki, Tavi, Cody, and Camie