"Ma'am..." the uniformed officer cautiously said, his tall frame looming and his immense and forceful hands grasping a billy club at his waist--just in case. "Ma'am, I'm Officer Fisher and I'm here to help you. And, furthermore, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention what an incredibly, super-sexy cat you are."
[Editor's Note: Some, if not all of this story's details have been exaggerated by The Empress. The officer involved would not stand by this version of the story and invites anyone who would like the accurate account to seek out the official documentation at the courthouse.]
My back arched as I hissed, "I NEED NO HELP! I CAN HANDLE MY STONED HUSBAND ON MY OWN!" Clumps of my own fur lay loosely on my back and I struggled to catch my breath.
"I AM NOT STONED!" shouted Brach, pacing back and forth in front of the couch, upon which he was typically found sleeping.
"Miss..." Officer Fisher pleaded as he turned to my Agent. "You are far less sexy than your cat, and I typically wouldn't talk to you, but I need you to contain your foxy feline so I can complete my interviews and determine the proper course of action. OH MY...OH, SHIT!"
Before the handsome policeman could say, "I'm so in love with Kukka-Maria," I had leapt from the chair and landed on top of Brach. My claws extended, I screamed while swatting at his torso, legs and head.
Officer Fisher bellowed into his radio, "I NEED BACK UP! BRING PEPPER SPRAY! THIS COULD GET UGLY!"
The tall drink of water I unapologetically called "Officer Sexy Pants" grabbed me in one swift motion and collapsed into the chair, my squirming body against his rock-hard pecs and rippling six-pack. Believe me...had we not been in the middle of a domestic assault call, that physical contact could have led to some interesting and intimate moments.
I'm just sayin'.
After being calmed with some ear scritches and some gentle cooing in my ear, I was ready to give my account of the night's events. I glared at Brach, now in my Agent's arms, and mouthed, "YOU'RE DEAD MEAT" in Meow. I figured it was the safest way to convey it, as it was my assumption none of the humans in the room were fluent in Meow and, therefore, could not decipher my threat.
Officer Stud-Muffin, his voice low and sultry, inquired, "What happened, Empress? Why was I called here at 4:00 in the morning?"
"I was sound asleep on my bed, that I allow my Agent to share," I calmly explained. "At approximately 2:00 am, I was awoken by hissing. At lightning speed, I leapt from the bed and raced to the livingroom, where I found HIM!" I angrily shook my tail in Brach's general direction.
"But Empress, isn't he your husband and doesn't he live here?"
"Yes. And Yes," I sighed. "But he was strung out on...on...CATNIP!"
Struggling to free himself from the imprisonment of my Agent's arms (they are like frickin' tree trunks), Brach began to defend himself. "I was not st...SHE IS LYING!"
"SIR!" shouted Officer Tushy. "Sir, I must insist you wait your turn." Lowering his voice again to a register that made my lady business leap, he continued, "Now, Kukka. What happened then?"
"He was hissing and moaning, swatting and doing what can only be described as carpet gymnastic with a spine mohawk and a poofed tail. I screamed for him to stop--and he didn't comply. I ran to him and tried to subdue him, but to no avail. Officer Make-Me-Weak-In-The-Knees, I was at a complete loss. How was I to deal with a husband who was hopped up on herb?"
Officer Beefy Buns turned to my husband, who was now rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath. "What is your take on the situation, Brach?"
"Well, first of all," spouted Brach, "my wife is a psychotic bit..."
"WHOA, WHOA!" yelled my Agent, dropping Brach to the ground. "Brach...BAD BOY. BAD BOY!"
"I'm cool...I'm cool..." sighed Brach, pacing the floor again. "Just because I'm up later than you and roaming the house doesn't mean I'm stoned, Kukka. You know I haven't touched the stuff since Tuesday! I'm clean!"
"Harumph..." I mumbled.
"Listen, you insolent smart ass..." he hissed, leaping for me, claws extended and ready to swat.
Officer Lickable Lips grabbed Brach with one hand and cradled him in his muscular arms like a baby. Struggling at first, Brach quickly determined his aggression would get him nowhere and relaxed as the policeman's strong fingers scratched his belly.
"I...was...just..." Brach whimpered, "Oh...my...GAWD...this feels so good!"
Officer Fisher picked him up and stared him in the face. "Brach. Talk to me. What happened?"
"I was patrolling the house, as I do most nights while my ladies sleep. As I passed the slider, I did my quick peek out and saw an intruder! A feral cat was trying to look in our home! I hissed and moaned to scare him and, when that didn't work, I kept throwing myself against the sliding glass door to intimidate him." Brach inhaled deeply and continued. "The next thing I know, my crazy-ass wife is screaming and yelling and beating me up! To be honest, I think she was drunk."
"Bullshit..." I mumbled as I faked some sneezes. "Bullshit..."
"Agent?" Officer Fisher looked her way.
"It happened at 2:00 am and again at 3:30 am. To say I was fussy and cranky is an understatement," my Agent said, shaking her head. "I can testify that Brach had no catnip since Tuesday. He doesn't know where I keep it and, even if he did, he is unable to open the cupboard door above the stove...OH, CRAAAAAP! Now he knows where it's kept!"
"Listen, Brach," Officer Fisher suddenly turned on his daunting voice. "No matter how you got to the point where you were out of control, you had NO RIGHT to wail on your woman like that. I think a night in the kennel will help you think things through and get your head on straight."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed! "Don't take my husband away! He didn't mean it! He's just a man-child!"
"So you are not pressing charges, Empress?"
Licking his ears and gently picking clumps of his loose fur from his back and my loose fur from his claws, I responded, "No. He is my husband and I love him."
"If I'm called out here again, Kukka-Maria, you will all be arrested. Well, maybe not, if you continue giving me those moony eyes..."
As Officer Fisher left our home, my Agent sprinkled treats on the floor. Brach, feeling especially manly at the moment, dodged forward and snapped up as many as he could. My response? Hissing, moaning and swatting.
My Agent shook her head and sighed. "Damn. It begins again..."