Good news: Paris has been released from jail! My strong-arming and persistent protests worked!
Bad news: I'm still jailed for leading the picketing (with subsequent fury of hissing and clawing) AND for a few outstanding warrants, about which I would rather not talk.
It has been reported that Paris was released for an "undisclosed medical condition." While being my cellmate, she and I shared intimate details with one another as we did each other's hair and made prank phone calls to Tom Cruise, Oprah and Star Jones-Reynolds.
While I swore I would never tell my fans the details of her physical strife, I CAN give you some hints. Let's explore 16 medical conditions Paris MAY or MAY NOT have:
- ATHLETE'S FOOT. Let's face it: Jimmy Choos don't offer a whole lot of protection for the feet when you're frequenting filthy gas station bathrooms to engage in unprotected, indiscriminate sex.
- ALLERGIES. I get that she doesn't like the prison uniform, but to fake sneeze because of the "inferior fabrics" is a little much.
- HALITOSIS. With her breadth of experience, she should know to always brush after giving hea...after a long night of drinking and smoking.
- GENITAL WARTS. Do I really have to go into this one?
- CONSTIPATION. See what living on only Red Bull and Altoids can do to your digestive system?
- COLD SORES AND GENITAL HERPES. *SNORT* Sure, Paris. It was too much citric acid in your diet. [coughing uncomfortably] That makes sense. Do oranges and lemons make your lady business itch, too?
- ALCOHOLISM. While the beer can helmet can be very fashionable on the red carpet, it is not designed to be filled with bottles of tequila and should NEVER be worn when driving. On a suspended license.
- ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION AND ENLARGED PROSTATE. Do I blame her for suggesting it or LA County for buying it and releasing her.
- CHRONIC GAS. I shared a cell with her. I'm just sayin'.
- HEARING LOSS. That would explain why, after being told repeatedly that she shouldn't drive on a suspended license, she continued to do so. Or is that called "Celebrity Arrogance?"
- AVIAN FLU. I can neither confirm, nor deny I've seen her tongue kiss a bird.
- SMALL-PENIS SYNDROME. You don't have one, honey. Well, you may have "had" many, but not sprouting organically.
- DEHYDRATION. If she didn't insist upon drinking only Evian, she might be able to get some fluids in jail!
- VAGINITIS. It's defined as a condition that includes inflammation of the vagina, itching and uncomfortable intercourse (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth). Paris thinks it means that, because she can't actually SEE her vagina, it has disappeared. I told her to Google "Paris Hilton Vagina" and she would have plenty opportunity to view her junk.
- GONORRHEA. I'm not explaining this one.
- INCONTINENCE. Some celebrities (Lindsay, Britney, etc.) are featured in candid crotch photos taken of them as they exit limos. This would explain the Depends Undergarment shots of Paris circulating the internet.
Whatever your "condition," Paris, it was a "Get-Out-of-Jail-Free" card and you're one lucky bitch. Now, what are you going to do to spring me from the clink?