Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sixteen "Conditions" Paris Hilton COULD Have That Afforded Her Early Release from Jail.

I have good news and bad news.

Good news: Paris has been released from jail! My strong-arming and persistent protests worked!

Bad news: I'm still jailed for leading the picketing (with subsequent fury of hissing and clawing) AND for a few outstanding warrants, about which I would rather not talk.

It has been reported that Paris was released for an "undisclosed medical condition." While being my cellmate, she and I shared intimate details with one another as we did each other's hair and made prank phone calls to Tom Cruise, Oprah and Star Jones-Reynolds.

While I swore I would never tell my fans the details of her physical strife, I CAN give you some hints. Let's explore 16 medical conditions Paris MAY or MAY NOT have:
  1. ATHLETE'S FOOT. Let's face it: Jimmy Choos don't offer a whole lot of protection for the feet when you're frequenting filthy gas station bathrooms to engage in unprotected, indiscriminate sex.


  2. ALLERGIES. I get that she doesn't like the prison uniform, but to fake sneeze because of the "inferior fabrics" is a little much.


  3. HALITOSIS. With her breadth of experience, she should know to always brush after giving hea...after a long night of drinking and smoking.


  4. GENITAL WARTS. Do I really have to go into this one?


  5. CONSTIPATION. See what living on only Red Bull and Altoids can do to your digestive system?


  6. COLD SORES AND GENITAL HERPES. *SNORT* Sure, Paris. It was too much citric acid in your diet. [coughing uncomfortably] That makes sense. Do oranges and lemons make your lady business itch, too?


  7. ALCOHOLISM. While the beer can helmet can be very fashionable on the red carpet, it is not designed to be filled with bottles of tequila and should NEVER be worn when driving. On a suspended license.


  8. ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION AND ENLARGED PROSTATE. Do I blame her for suggesting it or LA County for buying it and releasing her.


  9. CHRONIC GAS. I shared a cell with her. I'm just sayin'.


  10. HEARING LOSS. That would explain why, after being told repeatedly that she shouldn't drive on a suspended license, she continued to do so. Or is that called "Celebrity Arrogance?"


  11. AVIAN FLU. I can neither confirm, nor deny I've seen her tongue kiss a bird.


  12. SMALL-PENIS SYNDROME. You don't have one, honey. Well, you may have "had" many, but not sprouting organically.


  13. DEHYDRATION. If she didn't insist upon drinking only Evian, she might be able to get some fluids in jail!


  14. VAGINITIS. It's defined as a condition that includes inflammation of the vagina, itching and uncomfortable intercourse (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth). Paris thinks it means that, because she can't actually SEE her vagina, it has disappeared. I told her to Google "Paris Hilton Vagina" and she would have plenty opportunity to view her junk.


  15. GONORRHEA. I'm not explaining this one.


  16. INCONTINENCE. Some celebrities (Lindsay, Britney, etc.) are featured in candid crotch photos taken of them as they exit limos. This would explain the Depends Undergarment shots of Paris circulating the internet.

Whatever your "condition," Paris, it was a "Get-Out-of-Jail-Free" card and you're one lucky bitch. Now, what are you going to do to spring me from the clink?

6 comments:

mcabty said...

I don't know empress. I think she did some kind of deal... it's too much of a "coincidence" that no sooner are you thrown in jail, that two-faced byotch is released. And after all you did for her...

Susan said...

Kukka you rock so much, seriously - thanks for the scoop - I'll keep my fingers crossed you can come up with some interesting malady your own self, meanwhile I linked your post to spread the KM love. We'll all be pulling for you!!

Renee said...

I can't believe that Byotch aranged for you to serve out her sentence for her!!! I heard that she had invited Agent & Brach over to her place for "The Party of all Parties!"

Kukka, call you lawyer and plead to whatever they give you...you need to go bust some tail!

The Meezers said...

Kukka - stay away from her side of the cell - i'm shur that there are lingering germs ofurr there.

Also, alfough I was invitied, I turned down my invitashun to "The Party of all Parties" at your Agent's house.

I will continue my silent protest outside your jail wif my FREE KUKKA NOW signs. I am making some serious coinage fough - I fink I has eleventy four dollars now!

Miles

Cheysuli said...

No! You are still in jail! Don't you have a health condition--allergies to smelly humans for instance--that requires you too to get out of jail?!

This is absolutely specist!

The Crew said...

Hmmm, it seems the only undisclosed medical condition you didn't mention is extreme BO! Could that be the reason PH spends a fortune on expensive imported perfume, in a failed effort to disguise her disgusting odor?

Poor Kukka, you try so hard and now because of your generous heart you may have a serious illness. Be sure to pee in her handbag before you leave! Oh, and can we assume the feud is on again?