Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Tabloid Rumors Surrounding Kukka's Retirement

After making the official announcement here, it took all of eleventy-four seconds for the tabloids to get their hands on the story and twist it into something unrecognizable. My Agent went to the store yesterday and came home with a stack of tabloid mags featuring me.

This should be interesting.

Here are the top cover stories explaining my upcoming retirement:

  • Kukka-Maria Pregnant with Kittens to Avoid Jail Time for her DUI of Catnip Arrest!

  • Feline Empress Joins Lindsay Lohan in Rehab.

  • Blogging Cat Outs Gay Friend; Gets Fired from Blog.

  • Famous Feline Injured in Gang Fight...That SHE Started.

  • Kukka-Maria and Brad Pitt Reconcile; Plan to Travel the Globe, Adopting Squillions of Stray Kittens Around the World.

  • Aliens Abduct Blogging Empress, Probe Her Anus, and Cause her to Forget her Blog Address.

  • Empress Kukka-Maria goes into Seclusion to Hide from Rabid Stalker, George Clooney.

  • BOOBS BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD! When multiple nipple implants go bad.

  • Brad and Brach in a Super-Secret Gay Affair? Kukka too Devastated to Blog.

  • Raging Sexually Transmitted Disease Causes Delusions and Inability to Blog for Celebrity Feline.

  • Agent to Password Protect the Computer to Keep Cats Away!

  • Empress Charged with Cocaine Found in Lindsay Lohan's Car, Despite Denial.

  • Empress to Become EMPEROR?! Celebrity Cat Blogger Reportedly Pursuing Sex-Change Operation!

  • Kukka-Maria Severely Sprains Lady Business Trying to Pose for Bare Junk Paparazzi Shots as Exiting Limo.

  • Blogging Whore Arrested for Allegedly Soliciting a Tomcat Prostitute. Claims, "I Thought I was Just Giving one of my Tomcat Stable Members a Ride Home!"

  • An Angry Oprah Winfrey Farts in Kukka's Face, Causing Severe Eye Irritation and Mild Retardation from Oxygen Deprivation. Blogging an Impossibility.

  • Brach Files for Divorce and is Granted Custody of Laptop Computer. Refuses Empress Access.

  • Empress Kukka-Maria Diagnosed with "Chronic Bad Attitude." Scheduled to be Euthanized.

What have YOU heard?


The Meezers said...

um. I hope that last one is not correkt.

I heard "Kukka Maria falls out of condo, hits head and wanders off. Sightings reported in Alabama and Arkansas."


The Crew said...

Oh Noooooooooo!! This just goes from bad to worse.

Just as we were laughing about Brach getting custody of the laptop, we read the last one that stopped us dead in our tracks (no pun intended).

(sigh) Well, apparently all these years of living life in the fast lane has taken it's toll on you, Kukka. We thought you were going into seclusion to evade the paparazzi but now we're worried you have some fatal disease you're trying desperately to hide from the public. I think Max and I can disguise you as an ordinary cat and sneak you into the Mayo Clinic if that would help.

Renee said...

Well I know it's totally not true, but I heard...

"Super Sexy Feline in rehab for eating disorder."

William said...

Somebody--let's call him "Scooter"--told me that Kukka will be joining Cheney in an undisclosed location.

DaisyMae Maus said...

What I heard was ...

Celebrity Blogger Kukka-Maria Hospitalized For Exhaustion After Being Overtaken By Own Reputation and the Competitive Demands of Public Life After Hitting the Britney/Paris/Lindsay Trifecta

Bahamian doctors advise bed rest and reduced blogging schedule after supersexy feline dislocates wrists and severely sprains sense of humor ...

Just thought you'd want to know the scoop that's goin' round San Diego ...


Cheysuli said...

I heard the website account was under investigation by the justice department. Kukka Maria is suspected of being a terrorist.

That's what my insider contacts say anyway.

Derby said...

Hmmm, the gossip hasn't gotten yet to my quiet little corner of the world. But I am listening to the birdies in case they are talking about you.

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Kukka caught having a lesbian affair with a K-9. Empress too confused to blog.