If you answered "yes" to any or all of those questions, I have a solution for you:
"I can't tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of the night, during my menstrual cycle, and had the urge to address my tampon needs. I sit in the dark bathroom--for hours, struggling to remove the tampons from their confusing and troublesome wrappers! HOW FRUSTRATING!"
NOT ANYMORE, BETSY FELLOWES FROM VALLEY CITY, ND!
The Tamponator 3000 is 12 lbs of brawn, sass, style and attitude. She will open tampons with record speed! With her pristinely-manicured claws and bitchy disposition, The Tamponator 3000 will own and destroy every tampon in your home. Remember: You pay for the "own" and you get the "destroy" FOR FREE!
"It's a guarantee I'll have the need for a tampon every 28 days, or so. The problem is that I just don't have the time, nor energy to determine the best tampon from the multi-pack. Should I use Light, Regulars, or Supers? I can't be bothered with these kinds of ridiculous decisions!"
AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE BOTHERED, KATHY WORKMAN OF PITTSFIELD, MA!
While The Tamponator 3000 can and will not be responsible for predicting the level of your flow nor prescribing the appropriate tampon (truthfully, The Tamponator 3000 can not afford the liability insurance), she can and will make it easy for you to decide. By spreading a wide variety of tampons on the bathroom floor, she will make it possible for you, with one glance, to choose the tampon that is right for you! It's that simple!
"It seems that every time I'm in the bathroom during the week Aunt Flo visits, I can never find a tampon! Can The Tamponator 3000 address my needs?"
YOU BET SHE CAN, ONLY WOMAN LIVING AT THE VATICAN!
With agility matched only by that of a heavily-sedated mountain lion, The Tamponator 3000 can remove wrapped tampons from their box and litter them around the house. For your convenience, every step you take will be on top of a strategically-placed tampon.
Can't find a 'pon? No worries! There is one waiting for you, merely two feet away...
I know what you're asking:
"Is the Tamponator 3000 super-sexy?"
HELL, YES! The Tamponator 3000 not only trumps the sexiness of traditional tampon openers, she dominates The Tamponators 2000 and 2000 ½ on both the Sexy and Foxy scales. Let's be honest: YOU wish you could be as super-sexy as The Tamponator 3000!
But you can't.
"Does The Tamponator 3000 require much maintenance?"
HELL, NO! Well, wait. Yes. You have to make sure she has a mountain of kibble in her bowl, fresh water, a clean litterbox and keep her Love Tank filled with an endless barrage of ear scritches and belly rubs. What you do with the remaining 3.72 hours of the day is up to you!
"I've seen OTHER tampon openers advertised on TV. What makes The Tamponator 3000 something special?"
Some of our competitors will tell you that robotic tampon openers are the way of the future because they don't require food and don't shit in a litterbox. While, technically, those things are true, 98% of robotic tampon openers run on gas engines. A household with a mechanized tampon-opener, a fertile mother and six menstruating daughters could do more damage to the earth's atmosphere in one month than an entire year of gaseous side-effects from Empress Kukka-Maria sneaking refried beans! Yes, mechanical tampon openers are "cool" and "awesome," but shouldn't you be thinking of the tampon-opening needs of your children and your children's children and your children's children's children? What good is a tampon-opening robot in an uninhabitable world, drained of all our natural resources?
And do I even have to mention the threat of a robot coup d'état?
"I'm a perimenopausal broad. If I buy a Tamponator 3000 and, within a few months, find I'm no longer bleeding from my business, can I get a full refund?"
While The Tamponator 3000 has mad-skillz in the art of feminine hygiene, that's not all she offers! She is very cuddly, frightfully friendly, slightly needy, a bit forceful and demanding, a tad fussy, a smidge arrogant and farts in your bed. The Tamponator 3000 will be your best friend long after your ovaries shrivel up like raisins and fall out of your cooch!
If you're a woman who has a vagina and a host of internal lady parts that, every month, squirt...um...expel...er...let's just put it this way: If you're a woman who experiences "the wonderment of womanhood" every month, YOU NEED THE TAMPONATOR 3000!
THE TAMPONATOR 3000 ALSO MAKES A GREAT GIFT!
For you husbands, live-in-lovaaaaaaahs, extra-marital affairs and baby-daddies out there, show her you care by giving a Tamponator 3000. It's the best way to say, "Honey, I know menstrual maintenance can be a chore. This tampon-obsessed cat will help you save your precious hands for more important things, like folding my laundry, making my effing dinner and keeping your paws off the remote control! Happy/Merry [INSERT OCCASION HERE]!"
The Tamponator 3000 can be found at several fine establishments near you, like: Pussy Palace, Menses Mega-Mall, Ovarian Outlets, The Tampon Barn, AND MORE!