Associated Press (AP): In a stunning turn of events today, Empress Kukka-Maria, celebrity feline blogger, announced her blogging retirement.
"June twenty-ninth, the year of our Lord two-thousand seven, I shall write my final post," stated a tearful, yet poised Kukka. "After two years of blogging and inviting both friends and strangers into the deepest corners of my thrilling life, I feel it's time to turn off the computer and pursue other projects."
A shocked press corp gave a collective gasp that, for 20 seconds, vacuumed the room of fresh air, causing windows to rattle and one tiny chipmunk's head to cave in.
"What projects are you thinking about, Empress?" asked legendary journalist, Bob Woodward (Carl Bernstein had called in sick with an infected mosquito bite).
"I've been approached to write another book and to replace Rosie O'Donnell on The View," Kukka explained. "I am wading through a [EXPLETIVE]-load of scripts right now and am being courted by the likes of Quentin Tarantino, Stephen Spielberg and Francis Ford Coppola. Franny is proposing a feline remake of The Godfather, starring me as The Godmother. There is no shortage of opportunities for a super-sexy cat like myself."
"What about Brach? Will he start his own blog?" an emotional White House correspondent, Helen Thomas inquired, attempting to steady her shaking hand (that could have been from her raging emotional response to the news OR to her Old Lady Disease) and fight back pooling tears. "Oh my gawd...I can't believe this is happening to me," she muttered under her breath, desperately trying to keep her composure.
"Brach is looking forward to his own version of retirement," Kukka chuckled. "He is hoping to hunt squirrels, birds and rabbits, despite the fact our Agent will never allow him to leave the house. He has dreams; that is one of the many things about him I adore."
"You mention your Agent," Daily Show Correspondent, John Oliver, piped up. "Is she still looking for a man? I'm known to be a hot one-night-stand. Can you hook a brother up with some bootay?"
Kukka winked and clearly got her flirt on while delivering her answer. "Despite the fact I think that's a solid and honorable offer, John, and I would have no problem taking you up on it, my Agent claims she is looking for more than just sex. I have no idea why, but she seems to have latched onto that idea and won't let go. I'll put you on speed-dial, though, just in case."
Clearing her throat and scanning the crowd, Kukka declared with a yawn, "I'll take one more question."
Suddenly, a smartly-dressed African-American woman with enormous sunglasses, a huge beach hat covering most of her face and a clearly bad attitude barked, "Why didn't you choose to announce your retirement on a talk show...say one that has had you on several times, is highly popular and is hosted by a super-foxy, empowered woman who is charming and demonstrates her extreme generosity by giving away a lot of expensive gifts--including cars?"
"I know no one like that."
"Oh, I think you do, Empress. I think I have...I mean she has helped you justify your absence at The Oscars, featured you on the cover of O Magazine, and supported you through your public admission of plastic surgery."
"SECURITY!" hissed Kukka. "This press conference is over. June 29 will be my final post. Save your tears...I'm moving onto bigger and better things. There is no way the paparazzi will ever let me rest, so watch the tabloids for your Kukka-fix."
As reporters filed out of the hotel ballroom, a devastated CBS's Katie Couric lifted her head from the tearful puddle of pathetic she had become to offer the following: "I know she has written horrible things about me, but I can't help but recognize how deeply I will miss her. She is my backbone. She is my rock." Returning to the fetal position on the floor in which we found her, she sighed and shook. "I...will...miss..her..."
Won't we all. June 29 will be a sad, sad day. Even for the Empress, although she will never admit it.