I've started this post a squillion* times. What began as an "Open Letter to my Readers" became a heart-felt note from My Agent. After watching her hide her face as she gingerly wiped away tears, however, I had to ask her to step away from the laptop and allow me to use one of my favorite formats to close the show: The List.
So, dear readers, allow me to present my final list:
22 Things I've Learned From Blogging.
- Your self-esteem is not tied to the number of visitors you get each day or the amount of comments you receive.
- People want affirmation; people want to be appreciated. Even you!
- Holding the title of "Mother Superior of the Holy Order of Ocean Whitefish" in the Feline Theocracy gets you kick-ass seating at restaurants! (Sorry, Bono. I get better seating as Mother Superior than I do as your personal guest!)
- Photo-editing is FUN!
- No one seems to mind that you have multiple boyfriends...AND a husband! (My Agent is pretty stoked about this one, too. She says it gives her hope.)
- No matter how many times you mention Brad Pitt, he never seems to find the time to throw you an email, thanking you for the good press.
- Swearing makes you giggle.
- Writing anonymously, through the voice of a cat, affords you a shitload of wiggle room when it comes to decency.
- When you laugh out loud at your own jokes and re-read your own posts because you think they are the funniest things you ever read? Life is good.
- After awhile, your friends will stop rolling their eyes when you talk endlessly about your blog and will just ignore you and/or swiftly change the subject.
- No matter how dis-similar to a typical "cat blog" you try to be, you will always be "just a cat." Oh, and the more you try to justify how not like a cat blog you are to people you meet, the deeper into the hole you will slide.
- Maintaining a high-profile, celebrity romance (whether human or feline) is HARD! Sometimes you just need to cuddle and tune out the negative tabloid press.
- When you repeatedly use phrases like "super-sexy," "squillions," and "multiple-nipples" in your writing, you are bound to let them bleed into your daily verbal encounters. Great fun!
- It's hard to write fresh, exciting and fun essays 5 days, each week. Sometimes you can't hit the mark--and that's okay.
- Blogging should be fun. When it stresses you out? Let it go! When you meet "odd" (to be kind) people who piss you off? Let them go! When you're too sick to go to work, but spend your day feeling guilty because you didn't post? GET A LIFE!
- Choosing NOT to participate is okay. You don't have to join into every meme or contest. If you're worried about people getting offended, refer to #15.
- Picking your nose with sharp claws is difficult and requires your full attention. Trying to Tivo your own appearance on The View, while mining for booger-nuggets, can lead to incredible blood loss. This has little to do with blogging, but an important life-lesson I felt compelled to share.
- If ever you need an evil villain for your creative writing, Oprah is an easy mark. The shit practically writes itself! Star Jones-Reynolds works, too.
- It's true! When you constantly call yourself "super-sexy," soon others will refer to you as such! I think they call it: Suggestive Selling. "Do you want an order of super-sexy with that diva-esque attitude?"
- It's far more valuable to find a few individuals who appreciate your humor, than court an entire group of people for whom you need to water-down your writing to gain readership.
- No matter how cool you think they are, you are probably the only person walking around wearing items from the Kukka Couture Collection. Well, there are probably a few others...who received Kukka-wear as gifts or prizes in a blog contest.
UPDATE: I have officially closed my store. DON'T CRY! Seriously...if you cry, then I'll cry! If you have your heart set on obtaining any Kukka Couture, you can email me and I will do a custom order. That's how I roll.
- Even though you retire from blogging to do new and exciting things, you are going to miss far more than you are missed.
To those of you who have stuck with me through all the celebrity feuds and drunken, red carpet throw-downs...thank you. I would love to say that writing this blog has been only for me, but I can't lie: The feedback is intoxicating and, aside from the constant paparazzi presence outside my window, I'm going to be very lonely without the attention.
To those of you for whom this post is your first taste of Kukka...go eff the ess out of your gee dee self! Where have you been for the last two years? Now, now...you know I'm kidding (sort of). I dare you to read through the archives and NOT become a rabid fan. At least check out this comprehensive list.
It's tough to close this post. It's not so much an emotional hurdle; it's because I know, as soon as I post the entry, I'm going to have more to add.
Fact: I will always have more to add! But, at my Agent tells me, "Just because you have more to say, doesn't necessarily mean you should say it."
* I have to give a last shout-out to my very first Tomcat Stable member, Squilliam (William of Mass Destruction) for inventing my second-favorite word of all times: SQUILLION. My first favorite word: KUKKA.