Thursday, April 24, 2008

But, but...I'm a LAWYER!

Dear Star Jones-Reynolds,

It's so hard for me to express the shock and horror I felt when I learned you had filed for divorce, mostly because it's difficult to talk when you throw up in your mouth a little bit.

How could a marriage that made so much sense to the world struggle and ultimately fail? I can't think of a single reason this didn't work...I can think of several!
  1. He's into dudes.
  2. He likes having sex with men.
  3. He's so gay he can't even pee straight.
  4. He shrieks at the sight of you naked (but, then...don't we all?).
  5. Insert something here about him having to be married to you and your ego...I haven't worked out all the details of that one, yet.
I'm told by EVERY freaking magazine, website, news station, parking valet, and bikini waxer you've spoken to, ad nauseum, that you want this to be private and intend to handle it with "dignity and grace." That makes perfect sense! Is this the same dignity you demonstrated when you had corporate sponsors for your wedding? Or the grace you showed to your co-workers when you scolded them for having fun at your reception? Or how about the time you tried to pay your landscape architect with a photo of yourself or embarrassed your boss by announcing you were quitting your job on-air?

Maybe you should look those two words up. I don't think they mean what you think they mean.

Well, know I will be thinking of you and hoping you don't turn to junk food for comfort. I think, by now, you know that it doesn't matter how much you love the chicken and ice cream (or your gay husband), they just can't love you back.

Peace out,
The Empress

6 comments:

The Crew said...

It's comforting to know that we can always rely on you to tell us the truth about these "celebrities".

Renee said...

Awe darn! That looked like a marriage made in heaven! Oh well.

The Meezers said...

well maybe she will get fat again and look more human! she scares the poop out of me! - Miles

Cheysuli and gemini said...

I see Miles will not be Star's next ex-husband!

Derby said...

Are any of us surprised by this?

DaisyMae Maus said...

How, how, how could that supposedly well-educated woman NOT know that her "husband" was gay??? Her sham marriage was doomed from the get-go.
Good grief ...
DMM