Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Disney Announces New Cuban Sensation!

Associated Press (AP): With the transfer of leadership from Fidel Castro to his younger (and some say sexier) brother, Raúl, Cubans are experiencing luxuries that were once out of their grasp. With frills like TRS-80 home computers, 13" black and white televisions--each with it's own set of rabbit ears, and cell phone service that costs citizens only the left testicle of their first-born sons to activate and 3 donkeys a month for 17 anytime minutes (Can you hear me now?), Cubans are thrilled at the new luxuries to which they now have access.

The Walt Disney Company, known for having their finger on the collective pulse of the U.S. "tween" population, is capitalizing on this untapped, communist market by introducing a new Cuban character to be broadcast on the government-controlled network, DTR (Death To Revolutionists).

"This new character is modeled slightly after the super-popular U.S. phenomenon, Hannah Montana," explains Robert Iger, Disney President and CEO. "With the subtle cultural differences between Cuba and the U.S., and the extreme restrictions of Cuban decency laws, we opted to not over-sexualize this character, so she's clearly nothing like Hannah Montana!" laughs Iger, uncomfortably.

Insiders say the show, called Havana Bandana, is the story of a homely Cuban feline who leads a double life. By day, she's a mangy housecat, scrounging for crumbs from the scraps and garbage her human family eats. By night, she is a spy for the Cuban government, hired to covertly weed out extremist rebels and sing catchy, highly-marketable songs.

In a stunning move, Disney has cast Empress Kukka-Maria as Havana Bandana's title character. "She astounded us at her reading," sighs Iger with a far-off look in his eyes. "While she is, obviously, super-sexy, she was able to downplay that and come off as barely-, if not almost-not-at-all-sexy. She's a true talent."

Wearing her character's signature bandana and sporting her signature "I'm-totally-bored-give-me-treats" expression, The Empress granted us an interview on the set of her new show.

"Is it difficult to stifle my super-sexiness? No. It's not. It's EXCRUCIATING!" howls Kukka, sipping a latte and taking a drag off a Cuban cigar. "I mean, can you tell the sun to stop shining? Or hide a rainbow behind another, more ugly rainbow? No. You can not. I can, though."

When asked about some controversial love scenes between her character and Fidel Castro, portraying himself, Kukka-Maria is very tight-lipped.

"I can't really comment on that," mutters The Empress, thwapping her tail back and forth to clear the air around her of the cloud of smoke being expelled from her tiny lungs. "However, I can tell you I found it a bit troubling he demanded an ungodly amount of questionable swats on the tail be written into the script." Rolling her eyes, she continues, "I mean, I like to spank a guy, but in every scene we share? Come on..."

It is rumored Empress Kukka-Maria wrote several of the sure-to-be-hit songs that will appear on the Havana Bandana soundtrack, including "Your Super-Sexiness Makes Me Want to Ride a Rickety Raft Across the Ocean and Into Your Heart," "I Don't Need my Government-Rationed Food...Just Give Me Your Meat," and more! With the limited technology in Cuba, the soundtrack is expected to be released only on vinyl, 8-track, and cassettes.

Disney execs believe Havana Bandana will be a hit not just among Cuban teens, but with the entire population...partly because ticket prices will be automatically garnished from all working citizen wages in what is now being called the I Heart Havana Bandana Tax.


Cheysuli and gemini said...

I am so looking forward to this movie. You know Fidel stepped down to help me with my campaign!

The Meezers said...

does it mean that our mommy is ancient if she admits that her very ferst paid job wif computers involved Tandy TRS-80's?

The Crew said...

Kukka dear, you continue to amaze us. We had no idea you were fluent in Spanish. Oh wait a second, you're not lip synching that sound track, are you?

DaisyMae Maus said...

TRASH-80s? Oh ... my ... Cat.