Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Man Cave? Schman Schmave!

Now, you know I'm never one to be fussy or critical, but I as I was reading my hard-hitting news this morning, I erroneously stumbled upon this new tabloid website,

Whilst skimming over some moderately scandalous drivel about a war that is going on (allegedly) and an apparent marital dispute that is being played out in the media between Hillary C. and Barack O. (at least I try to preserve their anonymity to help them maintain SOME of their pride), my eyes fell on an article I thought might be interesting: The Essential Ingredients of a Man Cave.

Let me save you the trouble. Reading that article is 3 minutes you'll never get back! Instead of reading about man caves, why not just take a glimpse of what makes a great Empress lounge!

The Essential Ingredients of an Ideal Pussy Palace
(complete with secret entrance and password)

My pussy palace always has a fully-stocked bar (and a pleasingly-packed bartender). Sipping
Perrier-Jouet champagne on pink, fur-lined chaise lounges served by oily, bare-chested man-servants is not a's my right!

Only the best live music is featured in my pussy palace! Musical legends like The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Aretha Franklin, and more have placed their names on the three-year waiting list to perform. It was rumored that the Beatles were cosidering coming out of retirement (some, from extinction) to play in my pussy palace this summer, but I nixed it when Heather Mills-McCartney was named lead singer, in the divorce.

If it involves a ball or any physical activity whatsoever, it is not allowed in my pussy palace. Lying around and gossiping over mani/pedis is the only approved sport! Well, that and the strenuous act of stuffing singles in the g-strings of my tomcat strippers...

If you're name's on the list, you're in. If not, take a long walk off a short pier. Yes, I'm talking to you, Cruise and Winfrey!

Automatic fur strokers and litter flickers are among the high-tech marvels in my pussy palace. I'd tell you about the intricate dingleberry removal system, but that's really reserved for invited guests.

"Pin the Prescription Psychiatric Drug Bottle on Tom Cruise" is a favorite of mine. Drinking shots every time Oprah raises her voice in excitement, gambling last week's paycheck guessing Britney's next move in the game "What That Eff's Dat Crazy Bitch Doin'?" and "Lindsay Lohan Substance Abuse BINGO" (B...Sober, that's B...Sober) are pussy cave standards.

Now, don't just go and replicate MY pussy palace (although, I do recognize it is the epitome of awesomeness). Creating a "me" space should be a very personal process, not to be taken lightly!

Having said that, for the delight of you and your crew, I will provide an autographed 8x10 glossy to be prominently displayed in a glass case, for a mere $99.99.


Renee said...

can we break that up into easy payments???

The Meezers said...

awww darn it. mommy hadded to pay taxes and she tells me that if i want that pikshur i'm gonna haf to get a job. Does you still know anyone at walmart? - Miles

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Hey I have a credit card. I mean I haven't paid it but I think I can still charge stuff on it. Can't you just run it through four or five times?

The Crew said...

Kukka dear, I hope you'll be offering a reduced rate to your Tomcat Stable members. $99.99 is a bit steep, you know. But then again, there's the autograph & the glass case. I assume you take "plastic"?


Indiana Jayne said...

OMG. I think I just peed a little in my pants! Pin the Prescription Psychiatric Drug Bottle on Tom Cruise! I freaking loooove it.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Three words for you, Empress: FAB-YOO-LUSS!

K T Cat said...

Paul just looks weird with a mustache.