WANTED: One cat who looks like Empress Kukka-Maria (though lacking her obvious super-sexiness). Must have a pleasing and agreeable personality (exactly like The Empress) and be willing to perform grunt work for no pay.In short, this individual would perform the tasks I didn't want to perform, make the appearances I didn't want to make, say the things I didn't want to say,
Once I realized the audition process was going to require me to stay awake for more than 32 minutes at a time, I decided to go the easy route and hire a family friend, Mojo. The trouble with that plan is that Mojo outweighs me by about 20 lbs, his ears are too big, and he's...a dog.
Mojo's kid-brother, Sabi, seemed a much better fit. Though a male, Sabi bears a remarkable resemblance to me. He's young. He's energetic. He's skinny, to the point I might actually call him "manorexic." [Editor's Note: Kukka is none of these things, but you try pointing that out to her...]
My Agent insists the little tomcat is not manorexic, but actually the ideal weight for a cat his age. She futher explains if I were younger, more active, and ate less treats, I might not have a saggy belly and be at my ideal weight, too.
REALLY! Hello, Pot? It's me, Kettle.
In hindsight, perhaps I shouldn't have cut corners in my search, for my experience in having a stunt double has been nothing like I expected. Allow me to share with you some of the things I've learned about outsourcing:
- Little cats, 1 year and younger, leave toys ALL OVER THE MOTHER-EFFING PLACE! Toys are meant to be purchased, tossed around once or twice, then left in the basket or under the couch/bed/tv stand/piano, only to be deemed lost forever and replaced with new toys. If your stunt double has enough time to play with one toy after another, he's slacking on the napping.
- When it's treat time, step back, Jack! There's a difference between "cute and spunky" and "freaking annoying." If your stunt double decides the treat you are eye-balling is the one for him, make no apologies for proving him wrong, using any force necessary.
- The hired help should stay in the servants' quarters. If your stunt double insists upon sleeping on your [Editor's Note: MY] bed, releasing a well-aimed, noxious air biscuit can remind him who is in charge. Side note: Aim really well. A misfire can remind your Agent that it's really her bed and you might end up sleeping on the floor.
- Eating is NOT something one delegates! I repeat: THIS BITCH EATS HER OWN FOOD! I don't appreciate the little darling thinking he can jump on my back or stick his nose in the bowl while I'm munching. If your stunt double gets confused and salivates on your food, kill him.
- While it's great to have someone who tortures Brach on my behalf, when it interrupts my napping, I'm over it. If your stunt double's ass-kicking schedule conflicts with your sleep, I suggest you deliver a stern, "Do I need to come back there and separate you two boys?"
- The prime sun spot (that has been dormant all winter, I might add) is no place for anyone but moi. Brach knows it. The Agent knows it. If your stunt double pretends not to realize this, just let him be. For crying out loud...there are other eastern-facing windows. Do you really have the energy to fight every battle? After all, didn't you hire the stunt-double to get rest?!
- Kids talk...constantly! I certainly didn't get the nickname "Lips on Legs" because I'm mute, but his persistent cooing is a bit much. What can he possibly have to say that is even remotely interesting? "Look at me, I'm jumping around the room at speeds you can only achieve in your memory!" Blah. Blah. Blah. If your stunt double is a chatterbox, develop a mantra you can mutter over and over to calm yourself. For me, a very simple, yet appropriate, "Shut the eff up...shut the eff up" is quite soothing!
- In my house, height equals power. Brach is scared to walk the beam. I walk the beam daily. When, after only 5 minutes of being in your home, your stunt double climbs on the counter, jumps to the fridge, walks along the top of the cupboards and ambles onto the beam spanning the kitchen entry...then throws you a look from above? I can't even finish typing this thought; my claws are fully-extended.
- Never hire a little boy to do a woman's job. If your stunt double has a bump where his nuts used to be, a youthful spark in his eye, and enough endless energy to make you throw up in your mouth a little bit, thank him for applying and send him on his way.
The sad part about hiring someone who was supposed to make my life easier is that I'm now even more exhausted, sore, hoarse, and cranky than I ever was! Fortunately, my contract with this employee ends on Friday and he will be returning home...until the next time his agent travels for her job.