Thursday, April 10, 2008

Equal Rights for Equal Cats

by Brach Lee

Let me set a familiar scene:

It's any-o'clock and I am peacefully sleeping in my bed. I warm my whiskers in the springtime sun beaming through the tiny spot on the window I have licked clean, since The Agent has yet to do a nugget of spring cleaning (THAT should be the debate, but alas...I am told not everyone is a germaphobe, like me).

I breathe deeply, emitting an occasional snore. As my chest gently rises with every intake of breath and my lips flutter with every lazy exhale, I suddenly sense a shadow over me. I know opening my eyes will officially thwart me from my slumber, so I pretend, with all my might, that I can still feel the sun's heat on my caramel coat and concentrate intently on my chipmunk chase in my dream--already in progress.

I hear her sigh. I remain still.

I hear her snort and mutter, "You've got to be kidding me" under her breath. I know if I move a hair on my body, she will claim victory and I will have surrendered what could be the best nap of my afternoon.

She waits, patiently, with her bulky frame looming over me. I hold my breath, worried that the slightest bit of air from my lungs could be the force that topples her beefy body onto me, resulting in a certain death or, at best, broken bones.

Suddenly, she leans forward and begins licking my nose. As her tongue scratches the tender space between my eyes--the space I wish I could reach on my own, at will--I realize she is there to show me affection. I begin purring loudly, open one eye, and roll my body to one side, allowing her to bathe me. I feel the sun's warmth again as she moves around me to nuzzle my ear and I breathe a relaxing sigh.

In one swift movement, she flops down next to me. I feel my muscles relax and I snuggle in for a tranquil napping duet.

Then I feel it. Her feet--all four--pressing into my stomach. Persistent paws, rhythmically sinking into my flesh. Right...left...right...left...and now the hind legs join in the action. I flex every abdominal muscle I can find and do my best imitation of a drunken frat-boy who has just dared his buddy to punch him in the beer belly as hard as he can, but the pressure of her paws intensifies to what can now be described as KICKING.

KICK...KICK...All four paws, now moving wildly.

I move back a bit. Now further. I can feel my ample ass ('s been a long winter) teetering over the lip of the bed and I fear I will crash to the floor with the next boot to the gut.

And, it happens. With one powerful paw punch, I fall. Stunned, I stand and look into the bed at an Empress who is now stretching in my warm spot and tanning her fur.

WHAT THE HELL! I just want what's mine!

by Kukka-Maria



See these well-manicured paws in my ears? They are the very things preventing me from having to listen to this miserable belly-aching!

Well that...and my obvious disinterest.

First come; first served? Try BEST come; BEST served.

Empress OUT!


Renee said...

poor Brach. You knew what she was up to the entire time...but you really couldn't prevent it. She was bound and determined to get that napping spot. So sorry.

The Meezers said...

oh Brach, it's so good to hear from you. I feel your pain Brach buddy. It seems that Miles has decided that everywhere I am is the best spot to be. and since he outweighs me by about 5 pounds, I'm no match for him. But he will get his soon - the little brat Bill is taking good notes and turning the tables on him.


Cheysuli and gemini said...

I wouldn't have started out nearly as nicely Kukka. I firmly believe that time is of the essence when taking over the favored spot...

DaisyMae Maus said...

Sorry dood ... I'm known for usurping prime lounging spots, too ... No sympathy from me.

You could have bunny-kicked back, you know.


The Crew said...

I can't believe this, Brach! You allowed yourself to literally be KICKED out of your own bed?!

We really must talk about. Come on over to the
M-Cats Club
. We're a great group of guy and I know we can help you.

George & Max