Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Tabloid Fool's Day, Everyone!

It's no April Fool's joke. I'm back.

"Retirement" wasn't all it was cracked up to be and, while I refuse to comment on my whereabouts over the last 9 months, I would like to point out that whoever said you can't be too rich or too beautiful was wrong! I'm living proof that excessive wealth and super-sexiness can take its toll on an exiled empress.

Over the last few days, I've had some fierce fun reading the tabloid rumors about my absence. To kick off my return, I'd like to share some of my favorite rumblings from the gossip magazines and websites.

If only they knew the real reason for my departure is FAR more scandalous than what they've come up with!
  • Hired by his disfigured friend, Kukka shot Dick Cheney in the face with "friendly fire" on a mouse hunt. Well…have you seen Cheney lately, either?


  • The Empress lost her fortune and desperately took a job massaging J-Lo’s swollen ankles for the 9 months of her pregnancy. Good Ol' Jenny from the Block doesn’t allow "the help" to have internet access. Or dignity.


  • Kukka-Maria won the Tour de France, but later tested positive for catnip. And had cancer in her balls.


  • Kukka's been touring the US on Hillary's campaign bus. It is rumored she left the campaign trail, not because of Bill's sexual advances, but because of Hillary's.


  • The Empress was deployed to Iraq, but fled to Canada. Some say she is a Al Qaeda sympathizer. Others say she just likes hockey and beer. Anonymous insiders suggest it was because her ass looked huge in desert sand camouflage.


  • Poor Kukka-Maria developed a severe psychological disorder and locked herself in the bathroom for 9 months, until her ass grew around the litter box that, as a result, she had to have surgically removed.


  • After 6 months of being a Jenny Craig spokescat, and not losing a single ounce--actually GAINING 2 pounds, Kukka was fired and replaced by Valerie Bertinelli. She took to her bed with a bag of Temptations and a river of tears.


  • After losing a drunken bet with Britney Spears, Kukka had to shave Jimmy-Joe-Billy-Bob's NASCAR number in her fur. Took 9 months to grow back.


  • Due to Kukka's intense stare, intimidating hiss, and foul flatulence, she was hired by the CIA to interrogate prisoners at Gitmo. She was relieved of her duties when it was determined that raging cat farts are considered torture by the Geneva Conventions.


  • Kukka-Maria has been in a botox coma and has come out of it with mild amnesia, but no wrinkles!


  • After guest-preaching at Barack Obama’s church and spewing what was called by civil rights leaders as "a heinous display of bigotry against dogs--large and small," Empress Kukka-Maria was advised to go into hiding.


  • Master Kukka was in the far-east training to be a ninja and had an "unfortunate" throwing-star incident. Let’s just say she'll never sit the same again.


  • Empress Kukka was hunting down Bin Laden in Afghanistan and only came back with a rug.


  • The Empress decided to dedicate herself to God and joined a monastery, only to find out she wouldn't be allowed to join because of some theological "technicality" about pets not going to heaven. She also learned that "poverty" wasn't a good thing and her exposed multiple nipples violated some sort of modesty clause.


  • After publicly disagreeing with Barbara Walters on The View, Empress Kukka-Maria mysteriously disappeared. The View staffers report hearing Barbara mutter, "Dispose of that bitch like we did our first token black girl."


  • While visiting the Neverland Ranch, Kukka drank her weight in “Jesus Juice” and woke up being spooned by a very handsy Michael Jackson, in feeted pajamas, less one nose he keeps in an air-tight, glass display case on the nightstand.


  • After several meetings with George Bush, doctors regretfully informed The Empress that the IQ points lost from discussing cartoons, NASCAR, and "how awesome war is," will never be regained. And the smell of verbal diarrhea is permanent.


  • Kukka was the ORIGINAL striking writer, beginning her writer’s strike in June of 2007. The Writer’s Guild of America are just copy-cats who whined louder and got more press.


  • Lindsay Lohan, abandoning her teacup chihuahua, decided that carrying The Empress around in her oversized Herm├Ęs Birkin bag was a far more fashionable choice. Lindsay now claims, "Had I known the stench of cat piss on saltwater crocodile leather would be permanent, I might have left that damn cat alone!"


  • After being elected Governor of Michigan, Empress Kukka-Maria was found to have spent 5k of the state's money on a high-class, Siamese Gigolo named Throbby VanHarden.

Wait...what have you heard?

24 comments:

The Crew said...

It's nice to know you've been keeping busy and sharing yourself with the world, my dear, and didn't just while away your days watching soap operas and eating chocolates.

George

Cheysuli and gemini said...

I *know* you spent part of that time setting up the whole Italian Prime Minister thing for me. I have no other friends in such high places...

Dragonheart & Merlin said...

I am glad that your return isn't an April Fool's joke!

Dragonheart

DEBRA said...

Aww Kukka

the one we love and adore is back...

Purrs
Abby

Cecil the Cougar: said...

Hi Kukka, I did not know you 9 months ago because I was not yet borned. But I am glad to meet you now! There are so many rumors, I can't decide what to believe! Maybe someday you will tell us!

Victor Tabbycat said...

Kukka's back! ::clunk::

Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

I don't care where you were I'm just THRILLED you're back. Totally thrilled.

Latte

Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

This begs the question....where to classify Kukka in the blog reader....cat bloggers OR tabloids. I think tabloids.

Chase

The Meezers said...

well I heard that upon her retirement, Kukka and her husband Brach settled on an around the world cruise. However, after setting 3 cruise ships on fire from pooting near the flambe dessert station, they were put off in the middle of the ocean in a rubber raft. Husband Brach totall freaked out and popped the raft while in the middle of an Obsessive/compulsive meltdown and after floating in the water for 33 hours, they were rescued by a deep sea fishing trawler. Brach was returned home and began a career as Howie Mandel's stand in on Deal or No Deal, but again went into a meltdown after being touched too many times. Poor Brach has sequestered himself in the living room at home in the kitty condo. Kukka filmed a season of "The Deadliest Catch", but was kicked off the fishing boat for eating the haul. Until yesterday, here whereabouts were unknown.


Or, maybe I just dreamed all that while in a ham-induced coma. I'm not sure, but it seemed real enough.

Miles

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Rumor had it you ::cough:: ran out of things to say! As if that could ever happen...

Junior said...

I think you just spent your time lounging on the beach, with a cabana mancat at your beck and call. After lots of niptinis, a variety of fresh fish and tons of massages, your body and soul have been revived (not to mention your imagination) and now you are back to share all your life and musings with all of us! Aren't we lucky!!!!

Les Trois Chats said...

Kukka my love, my did I pick a good day to catch up on my blog reading... You are lovely as ever!!

~ moose (now THREE years old - and you know what that means... that's right, no more kitten, baby - I'm all man-cat now)

DaisyMae Maus said...

Wow ... Such wild speculation being bandied about!

I thought that you'd been caught shoplifting an' had been ::whispers:: in the clink.

DMM

TT said...

I has to say thats your bloggy has my mommy bean laughing so hard. So hard she sents the link to my Auntie and even she laugheds hard (she almost gots in trouble cuz she was at work). We are definately coming back to reads more!

Renee said...

I heard that you had suffered a bad reaction to the date rape drug that you had intended to slip into Brad Pitt's drink but instead you drank both his and your drinks. You've spend the last 9 months in a detox center cuz that drug was never intended for feline consumption.

Animals with Opinions said...

wow that was hilarious. i was laughing so hard my human woke up from her nap. shhhh. well i didn't know you from before but i'm sure many are glad you are back! so, welcome back!

The Furry Fighter said...

Hello Kukka - you sound like my kind of friend. Now, I only started blogging since your disappearance so i have had not had the pleasure until now, so...Pleasure to meet you...! x

Kimo & Sabi said...

We heard you wuz pregnant. Doesn't it take gurlz 9 months? Anyhoo, . . . that's whut we heard.

PB & J said...

All the rumors are just so exciting! We're pleased to meet you - we started blogging in your absence, but we hope to become one of your many adoring fans!

Pearl, Bert and Jake

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

Im glad this wasn't an April Fools Joke! What exciting rumors!

MoMo said...

OMC, I am a newie to this cat blogging business and so didn't know you from before you 'retired'. You are sure pawsome even if 10% of the rumours were true. Oh my! Oh my!

Derby said...

I don't know what you have been up to, but I am happy you are back!

Parker said...

Ahhhhh, it's good to have you back!

NOLADawn said...

AAAAHHHHHHHHH, I can relax now!!!