Friday, April 25, 2008

You Have the Right to Remain Silent, but I Know You Won't Exercise it...

More famous people in jail! Every time I hear the cuffs get slapped on a celebrity, I get goosebumps and my lady-business quivers (but, in all fairness, that might just be because of the cuffs...and not the scandal).

Wesley Snipes has just been sentenced to 3 years in jail for not filing his taxes, but I'm not seeing the public outrage that happened when, say, Paris Hilton was jailed for driving drunk. Or when I was arrested for any of my "indiscretions." Is it a race thing? A gender thing? An age thing? A species thing?

Let's compare arrests; you be the judge:

NAME: Paris Hilton
CRIME: Violating probration for a prior drunk driving incident
SENTENCE: 45 days in jail (served 3 days, released for a medical condition, returned a day later to serve a total of 23 days).
PARIS SAID: "This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done." (It should be noted, however, she also said that about shaving her legs.)
COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION: "This is so, like...unfair! Now where do I buy my 'FREE PARIS' baby-tee and download my 'That's hot...' ringtone?"
THE WORD OF KUKKA: They're right. It is unfair! Most citizens, guilty of the same thing, would have probably served all 45 days!


NAME: Wesley Snipes
CRIME: Forgetting to file tax returns for the years 1999-2001
SENTENCE: 3 years in jail
SNIPES SAID: "I'm very sorry for my mistakes and errors...I've asked the court to show me mercy and the opportunity to make things right." That makes sense. Because you've not had that opportunity in the last 6 years!
COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION: "Wesley WHO?! OH! That black guy from New Jack City! Has he even worked since 1991? Now where do I buy my 'FREE PARIS' baby-tee and download my 'That's hot...' ringtone?"
THE WORD OF KUKKA: Don't these celebrities hire accountants to help them remember things like filing taxes? Wait. That's even a cop-out. If you can remember to cash your multi-million-dollar paychecks, you can remember to pay your taxes, for eff's sake! Maybe you should stick to driving drunk like a celebutante without panties...you'll have a much better chance of skating away with a slap on the wrist instead of the unmentionable personal violations that await you at the hands of "Clem," who will tag you as his bitch on day 3.


NAME: Empress Kukka-Maria
CRIME: Indecent exposure (of multiple nipples), public intoxication, multiple counts of assault, etc.
SENTENCE: Still at-large. Sometimes called "The Teflon Pussy."
KUKKA SAID: "If you can't handle the awesomeness of my multiple nipples, it's your responsibility to look away! If I'm going to be arrested again, it should be because I'm so super-sexy...CHEERS, HATERS!"
COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION: "She's great! I'm having multiple nipple implants put across my abs so I can be more like her! [Cell phone rings with a 'ROWR, BITCHES' ringtone] If you'll excuse me, I'm trying to find some tomcats who think I'm super-sexy so I can fill my own stable..."

Now, if only they decide to arrest Amy Winehouse for allegedly headbutting a dude on the street at 3am as he tried hailing her drunken-ass a cab...I'll go into a legal-gossip-induced coma!

PLEASE GOD...MAKE IT SO!

4 comments:

Renee said...

LOL! I so totally agree with you Kukka! These celebs should not be above the law. In fact seeing as how Paris has shaped up quite a bit since her time in the slammer, perhaps they should toss them all in for a spell!

The Meezers said...

Wesley who? oh, wasn't he in Major League? that was funny movie. He was in another movie after that? who knew!!! But, if he has been out of werk, he still needs to pay taxes. just ask my mom! I'm a cat so I can just lay on the couch and watch Major Leage and eat tem-tay-shuns every day. Cats ROCK! KUKKA ROCKS!!

Miles

Oh yeah, I lost my train of thought - so called "celebrities" should not be above going to jail to be the girlfriend of Bubba.

Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

Kukka...the days were so cold and boring without you blogging!

Chase
(Can I see a flash of one of those nipples??)

DaisyMae Maus said...

Throw 'em ALL in jail an' then lose the key!
DMM