Monday, April 14, 2008
You'll Never Take Me Alive, Tax Man!
Dear Mr. IRS (if that is your real name),
After working diligently with eleventy-four different CPAs to prepare my 2007 tax returns (all of whom removed themselves, many citing "horrific emotional abuse" and one alleging "highly inappropriate sexual advances"), I chose to prepare my own taxes this year.
I thought, by filing early and spritzing my return with my signature perfume, "Love Juices of The Empress," there would be little chance of an audit.
[Editor's Note: "Love Juices of The Empress" is set to be sold at a fine retailer near you in the fall...of 2011, once PETA vs. Empress Kukka-Maria is resolved and all the scabbed, marred, and blinded laboratory animals have healed and/or died. In addition, it should be noted I have been advised by my personal attorney to distance myself from any legal and/or moral obligations stemming from The Empress' fragrance initiatives. Kukka-Maria acts on her own scruples (or lack thereof) and, while I feed, care for, and scoop after her, I am no more to blame for her business decisions than I am for the constant exposure of her multiple nipples.]
Well, imagine my surprise, Mr. IRS, when I was served with a certified letter, requesting me to produce documentation for my claimed tax credits!
Please firmly affix a pink Post-It® to my return noting the following: I will NOT participate in any audit or provide any receipts justifying what we both know are legitimate business and personal expenses or defend my VERY generous charitable work. In fact, in order to prevent me from bringing legal action against you and the little man behind the curtain who controls your mind and body, I am requiring YOU to provide legitimate reason for rejection of my 2007 tax return.
To: Empress Kukka-Maria
We have received and read your correspondence and thank you for your inquiry into the state of your federal income tax return. At this juncture we are unable to provide you with the refund you insist is due you, but are willing to cite more than enough reasons to justify our decision.
DEDUCTION/CREDIT: Dior Sunglasses (2 pair)
REASON: To keep fur extensions out of eyes
REJECTED: Personal enhancement for the sole purpose of preserving one's vanity is considered excessive, therefore any personal protective equipment purchased, as a result, can not be deducted.
DEDUCTION/CREDIT: "Handfuls" of diamonds
REASON: To be strewn in cat litter for decoration and to optimize light reflection on perfectly-formed turds
REJECTED: Glamorizing ones waste with the use of...I can't even finish this. DENIED.
DEDUCTION/CREDIT: Charitable donation of loose fur
REASON: Donated to "Locks of Lust," an organization that makes genital wigs for porn stars with cancer
REJECTED: Cat fur pubic toupees? SERIOUSLY?
DEDUCTION/CREDIT: Charitable donation of perfectly-formed turds
REASON: Donated to "Poop Pendants, Internationale," an non-profit committed to adorning impoverished teens of Beverly Hills, CA, with charm bracelets...made of baked and tempered royal feline excrement
REJECTED: Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.
DEDUCTION/CREDIT: Sphincter Coach Services (3x/wk at $45/hr)
REASON: The conditioning of my unmentionable region to consistently pinch perfectly-formed turds for charitable donations.
REJECTED: You can't just...UGH!! I went to college for this?!
DEDUCTION/CREDIT: 365 Custom-designed multiple nipple bras, each to be worn for 1 day, then discarded.
REASON: To house the world-renown "girls" and keep them in pristine, perky condition for the enjoyment of my legion of rabid fans
REJECTED: Federal law allows for the credit of a single, standard brassiere to host two breasts, for those in the "entertainment" industry. By this standard, a single bra for "multiple nipples" is not deductible.
Empress, while it was difficult to distinguish the rest of your deductions and credits due to the holes burned through the paper from that incredibly pungent perfume, I was able to see you tried to deduct whisker extensions, false eyelashes, acrylic claws, fang-whitening, and tinted contact lenses. Your request that the United States Government solicit rebates from the country of Brazil to reimburse you for full-body waxes [Editor's note: Think about it...] was considered an insult to our organization. And, our intellect.
Your claimed charitable donation to "Air Biscuit Revival" of your bottled flatulence to be used as smelling salts for narcoleptics was absurd, to say the least! Furthermore, we have no record of "Air Biscuit Revival," "Poop Pendants, Internationale," nor "Locks of Lust" in any federal record, as legitimate charitable organizations. According to IRS Tax Code 2758394.527b, you could be arrested for fraud!
Fortunately, you are but a tiny cat in a very large country. It would be a waste of our time and resources to pursue an arrest or any further dialogue on this subject.
Along those lines...what made you think, as a cat, you needed to file taxes anyway? My advice: Save your energy. Don't file. Lick your butt (or whatever it is you cats do) and take a nap. I've invested too much in this issue, as it is.
Samuel Q. Clarke
And, no..."Mr. IRS" is NOT my real name.