Thursday, May 15, 2008

9 Secrets Kukka is Dishing About the Brangelina Babies

Well, it seems any and all insiders can't seem to keep their ginormous yappers shut about Brad and Angelina's pending arrival. First, Jack Black let it slip that twins are expected. Then, Dustin Hoffman boo-booed by releasing the August 19 due date.

Since they are all talking, I might as well tell you what Brad and Angelina have confided in me:
  1. While she is carrying these children herself, to further diversify her family, Angelina is actually using donor eggs. While I will not confirm or deny my involvement, I can recommend you not to be surprised when two kittens, who look remarkably like me, are delivered on August 19.

  2. Much to Brad's dismay, Angelina has taken her doctor's advice to avoid penis during pregnancy so her child doesn't develop an allergy. Wait...what? I'm being told it's PEANUTS! Well, no matter...Brad's either hungry or horny. That can't be bad for the rest of us (especially super-sexy, feline flight attendants with access to an unlimited supply of dry-roasted delights)!

  3. The Jolie-Pitts are registered at Walmart! Anyone want to chip in on a baby blanket for $4.62 (that, sadly, Maddox's 8 year-old cousin sewed for a mere 7¢ per day...)?

  4. The twins will have collagen injected into their lips at birth. Apparently, there's a two-fer deal and it's just more convenient, since they're all at the hospital anyway.

  5. In an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, that is sure to generate an outcry of public criticism, ultra-sound photos will be published with the fetuses in nothing but a sheet, with their entire backs exposed! I believe Billy Ray Cyrus' publicist is advising Angelina to deny being there when the suggestive photos were taken and, soon after they learn to speak, the twins will deliver a prepared statement apologizing for appearing inappropriately slutty (only for their ages, of course...right, Britney?).

  6. The family is slated to join the barrage of half-hour, weekly reality shows. Their show, "We're the Production in Reproduction," is set to be sandwiched between Jennifer Lopez's "Motherhood is SOOOO Hard with Only 6 Nannies" and Nicole Richie's "Does My Baby Look Fat to You?"

  7. Brad and Angelina are growing a crop of "organic" kids to trade for future adoptees. Like buying a house with a huge down-payment, coming to the table prepared to swap your OWN kid makes their monthly baby payments cheaper!

  8. The Jolie-Pitts have signed an exclusive deal Joe Francis (of "Girls Gone Wild" fame) to record and market his new series "Births Gone Wild." They have only committed to the next 10 babies they have, though. In a related story, Larry Flynt has offered $2.5 million for the stills of the conception...

  9. Brad and Angelina are starting a religious cult for "Super-Sexy Individuals." Because of the strict standards, they have decided to populate the cult internally. While Kukka is a charter member, sadly, three of their current children have not been asked to join until they "grow into their looks a bit."


Renee said...

Well Kukka, you sure know how to make this whole store more interesting! I wasn't following it at all so your info has gotten me quite up to date. Thanks!

The Meezers said...

whew!! thank goodness they won't look like meezers!!

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Oh I can't wait to see her kits! I am sure if they look like you they will be most adorable..

DaisyMae Maus said...

That explains efurrything ...

The Crew said...

A truly selfless act on your part, Kukka. How like you to donate eggs to such a needy family.

But wait, was this really heartfelt generosity or did Brad promise you a starring role in his next picture? Can he be expected to throw Angie aside (ala Jennifer Aniston) for you?