Dear Clay Aiken,
I see you recently dropped a new album! Congrats! I had no idea you were still singing! I guess I will remove your name off of the "American Idols Who Have Predictably Faded Into Obscurity" list.
Sorry, Justin Guarini...you're still there.
Anyway, Clay, I happened to catch a glimpse of your new "look" and it started me thinking: What other famous singer started his career at a young age, had notable success, and denied his sexuality until it manifested itself in unimaginable and undeniable ways?
Let's take a look:
I've seen it happen before, Clay.
Deny your obvious gayness.
Pretend to adore the role of "imaginary boyfriend" for all your teen-girl fans (while secretly hoping for a boy or two to heart you).
Live a lonely life in order to maintain a false, heart-throb image.
Allow your frustration and shame to come out through horrific body modifications while harboring secret (oh, and not-so-secret) lustings of the boys you should have felt free to crush on when YOU were a lad.
Don't you think it'd be less freaky for the world to accept you as gay, than to have your nose (or lack thereof) be the gossip at every water cooler and the butt of every late-night talk show joke?
Clay, I plead with you: Put down that puppy you are substituting for REAL LOVE and stop denying who you are! Michael Jackson's lack of a nose and history of inappropriate sexual contact with minors (allegedly) doesn't make him less gay...it just makes him gay and CREEPY!
My advice: Be gay BEFORE you cross the creepy line. There is no coming back...
PFLAGging it on your behalf,
P.S. (For Derby...see comments):
We don't judge the choices of a costume designer...