Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Clay Aiken, remain calm and stop awkwardly dirty-dancing with that girl on stage! This is a Gay-tervention!

Dear Clay Aiken,

I see you recently dropped a new album! Congrats! I had no idea you were still singing! I guess I will remove your name off of the "American Idols Who Have Predictably Faded Into Obscurity" list.

Sorry, Justin're still there.

Anyway, Clay, I happened to catch a glimpse of your new "look" and it started me thinking: What other famous singer started his career at a young age, had notable success, and denied his sexuality until it manifested itself in unimaginable and undeniable ways?

Let's take a look:

I've seen it happen before, Clay.

Step 1:
Deny your obvious gayness.

Step 2:
Pretend to adore the role of "imaginary boyfriend" for all your teen-girl fans (while secretly hoping for a boy or two to heart you).

Step 3:
Live a lonely life in order to maintain a false, heart-throb image.

Step 4:
Allow your frustration and shame to come out through horrific body modifications while harboring secret (oh, and not-so-secret) lustings of the boys you should have felt free to crush on when YOU were a lad.

Don't you think it'd be less freaky for the world to accept you as gay, than to have your nose (or lack thereof) be the gossip at every water cooler and the butt of every late-night talk show joke?

Clay, I plead with you: Put down that puppy you are substituting for REAL LOVE and stop denying who you are! Michael Jackson's lack of a nose and history of inappropriate sexual contact with minors (allegedly) doesn't make him less just makes him gay and CREEPY!

My advice: Be gay BEFORE you cross the creepy line. There is no coming back...

PFLAGging it on your behalf,
The Empress

P.S. (For Derby...see comments):
We don't judge the choices of a costume designer...


The Meezers said...

is wacko-jacko even human anymore?

and clay aiken, well, he scared mommy even while he was on AI. she just kept saying "there's something not right about that boy".

The Crew said...

Hmmmm yes Miles, MJ has been keeping a low profile lately, hasn't he.

One can only hope Clay takes your advice and acknowledges his true self, Kukka...before it's too late

Renee said...

I hadn't seen the "new Clay" pix yet...YIKES!!! What was he thinkin? shudder!

yeah, I do hope he takes your advice...although, is there really any doubt?

Cheysuli and gemini said...

I will be awaiting his press release after that heart felt plea Empress.

Anonymous said...

As far as I'm concerned, Clay "There's nothing worse to me than a house cat" Aiken can return to richly-deserved obscurity.

Buh-bye, Bea-boy...

Derby said...

isn't Clay's hare-doo from doing SPAMALOT?

DaisyMae Maus said...

Ugh ... anything with SPAM in it is gross in my book. Clay ... uh, dood? ... Get yourself a stylist an' then LISTEN TO HER! You are one scary dood!


Anonymous said...

He's so awesome. You guys are freaks for being so mean to this really nice guy. Get a life.