Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Feline Empress Refuses to Appear on Oprah's Cruise-Lovefest

Associated Press (AP): They all assumed she'd be there, but Oprah fans were highly disappointed when Kukka-Maria failed to appear on the Tom Cruise 25 Years in Show Business tribute on the show, Monday. The audience was allegedly locked into the studio for over 8 hours, while celebrities like Dustin Hoffman, Will Smith, Renée Zellweger, and the ever-sexy David Beckham (who, apparently, was lucky enough to get an early-release from parochial school for the afternoon) regaled the audience with story after story, attempting to create an almost-human-like image of Mr. Cruise.

"After about hour three, there was audible mumbling throughout the crowd," recalls Betsy Grayson from Greenwhich, CT, who had flown in to attend the taping. "I mean, we all like Tom Cruise, I suppose, but we assumed Kukka would be there, or at least there via satellite." Recalling how the royal feline's absence churned the crowd into a frenzy, Grayson continues, "I could have stayed home and watched the damn thing on TV, and would have, had I known The Empress would not be there."

"Of course she was asked to participate," explains Oprah producer, Marybeth Finklebaum. "We phoned, but received no return call. We emailed, but only received response with an attached photo of The Empress...her middle claw prominently displayed. She made it clear to us she had no interest in celebrating Mr. Cruise and his career."

During Dustin Hoffman's video tribute to Cruise, he ate cereal at a table with a cardboard cut-out of Tom. "What you didn't see was that I had a cut-out figure of Kukka, too!" muses Hoffman. "Though the producers seemed chilly to the idea we include it, once they saw it was a figure of The Empress licking her lady business, it was quickly deemed a definite no-go." Shaking his head, a tear rolls down his cheek and his voice breaks, "I guess I'll have to save it for Kukka's video tribute..."

It was rumored Oprah had invited Brooke Shields, a target for Tom's avid anti-psychiatric-drug campaigning. "My reps told me I was going to be joining Kukka to protest the taping and footage of our outcry would be run during the show," relates Shields. "When I arrived at Harpo Studios, Oprah handed me a script that included what I felt were objectionable phrases, so I refused to participate."

While Shields would not reveal the actual content of the script, a Harpo insider provided an email with the following excerpts from the proposed dialogue:

  • "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins...except that picture of Tom Cruise I keep in my panties!"
  • "I feel the need...the need for Scientology!"
  • "Tom Cruise, I should have listened to you about the whole psychiatric drug thing because, while you've never experienced the hormonal hell of Post-Partum Depression, you have been in show business for 25 years and, with the guidance of Xenu, can heal everything simply with the power of your mind."
While repeated requests from Empress Kukka-Maria were refused, reps for the feline released the following statement: "It has never been a secret that Empress Kukka-Maria dislikes Mr. Cruise and Ms. Winfrey. Encountered individually, they are moderately tolerable. In this situation, where they would both be in her presence, it was feared Kukka's head would explode, at best. We have no further comment."

It has not been determined whether she will attend the baby shower for Britney's sister in L.A. next month. With a guest list that include The Olson Twins, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson, among other celebutantes, Kukka's reps fear for her life.

"Though a robust 12 pounds, The Empress is still too small to build up enough gas to launch the appropriate amount of air biscuits that will guarantee the area immediately surrounding her be free of pantiless, mindless, drunken twits. Is is probable she will just send her traditional gift of Cheetos and Red Bull to the newest, little Spears."


Renee said...

I didn't see this fiasco (did it air yet?) and wouldn't watch anything celebrating this idiot (cruise) if paid in the millions.

I'm so glad that you boycotted this thing Kukka! I'm so glad you stood up for something that is still right in our country.

And I think your intended gift to the Spears family will be very fitting, but I don't know how you'll keep the mom to be from wolfing it down.

MeezerMom said...

gahhhhhh! good thing we never ever watch that channel here, because mommy leaves the tv on during the day and our brains would explode. - Miles

KUKKA!!! Me Billy wants to be TomCat!!

The Crew said...

Hmmmm, I must have missed that one. Was it aired during my nap time?

Actually, I'm surprised the Harpo people expected you to make an appearance, Kukka. All your true fans know your feelings about those two.


Cheysuli and gemini said...

You know, Oprah was just horrid to me--horrid! Remember when your people got me on her show and she promised to support my candidacy and then she went out and campaigned for Barak Obama! She is dead to me.

I think you made the right decision.

DK & The Fluffies said...

Had they gone ahead with the scientology indoctrination of Oparh, we may have watched, but seriouly, what's the point with out you on the show?

DaisyMae Maus said...

Oh, gosh ... That TomOprah photograph is just chilling! I'm gonna have nightmares.