"After about hour three, there was audible mumbling throughout the crowd," recalls Betsy Grayson from Greenwhich, CT, who had flown in to attend the taping. "I mean, we all like Tom Cruise, I suppose, but we assumed Kukka would be there, or at least there via satellite." Recalling how the royal feline's absence churned the crowd into a frenzy, Grayson continues, "I could have stayed home and watched the damn thing on TV, and would have, had I known The Empress would not be there."
"Of course she was asked to participate," explains Oprah producer, Marybeth Finklebaum. "We phoned, but received no return call. We emailed, but only received response with an attached photo of The Empress...her middle claw prominently displayed. She made it clear to us she had no interest in celebrating Mr. Cruise and his career."
During Dustin Hoffman's video tribute to Cruise, he ate cereal at a table with a cardboard cut-out of Tom. "What you didn't see was that I had a cut-out figure of Kukka, too!" muses Hoffman. "Though the producers seemed chilly to the idea we include it, once they saw it was a figure of The Empress licking her lady business, it was quickly deemed a definite no-go." Shaking his head, a tear rolls down his cheek and his voice breaks, "I guess I'll have to save it for Kukka's video tribute..."
It was rumored Oprah had invited Brooke Shields, a target for Tom's avid anti-psychiatric-drug campaigning. "My reps told me I was going to be joining Kukka to protest the taping and footage of our outcry would be run during the show," relates Shields. "When I arrived at Harpo Studios, Oprah handed me a script that included what I felt were objectionable phrases, so I refused to participate."
While Shields would not reveal the actual content of the script, a Harpo insider provided an email with the following excerpts from the proposed dialogue:
- "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins...except that picture of Tom Cruise I keep in my panties!"
- "I feel the need...the need for Scientology!"
- "Tom Cruise, I should have listened to you about the whole psychiatric drug thing because, while you've never experienced the hormonal hell of Post-Partum Depression, you have been in show business for 25 years and, with the guidance of Xenu, can heal everything simply with the power of your mind."
It has not been determined whether she will attend the baby shower for Britney's sister in L.A. next month. With a guest list that include The Olson Twins, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson, among other celebutantes, Kukka's reps fear for her life.
"Though a robust 12 pounds, The Empress is still too small to build up enough gas to launch the appropriate amount of air biscuits that will guarantee the area immediately surrounding her be free of pantiless, mindless, drunken twits. Is is probable she will just send her traditional gift of Cheetos and Red Bull to the newest, little Spears."