Wednesday, June 04, 2008

9 Thing I Learned About Clay Aiken by Going Undercover at the Sperm Bank

[Editor's Note: My apologies for the constant use of "finger quotes" in this post, but when you're talking about Clay Aiken, can you really avoid it?]

With all the buzz about Clay becoming a "baby daddy" (a.k.a. artificially inseminating his elderly "best friend," Jaymes Foster), it's difficult to pare away the gossip and get the facts.

Did you think I wouldn't help you out?!

To get the skinny on my favorite closeted gay's foray into "fatherhood," I went undercover as a nurse at the sperm bank where Clay deposited his seed.

Yes...I, too, threw up in my mouth a little bit at that last part.

Here is what I learned:
  1. He wears a banana hammock to house his junk across which "I HEART CHRISTIAN BALE" is spelled in gems.

  2. The carpet doesn't match the curtains.

  3. He sent a list of items he would require to "prepare" for his deposit: Tiger Beat magazine (circa 1992) featuring a Joey Lawrence centerfold, assorted Broadway playbills, a photo of Simon Cowell in a tight t-shirt (so, basically, ANY photo you've ever seen of Simon), a lock of Justin Guarini's hair, the volleyball scene in Top Gun--played on a loop, and $325,000 (in small bills...and delivered in g-strings of various male strippers to be removed with his teeth).

  4. While the freckles on his face have clearly been bleached, those peppering "other regions" are still prominent!

  5. He has a small tattoo on his left buttock of Barbra Streisand, Liza Minelli, and Cher (a.k.a. The Gay Trifecta).

  6. And on his left cheek? "But, I am TOTALLY STRAIGHT!" (in an Old English font)

  7. When the press is around, he gets a little handsy with the feline nurses while shouting, "I'm a man's man! I love me some pussy in uniform!" I would really prefer not to talk about that piece further! [Editor's Note: Shake it off, Kukka...shake it off!]

  8. He has, what we call in the medical profession, "lazy swimmers." In his boys' defense, they may have heard they were going to be deposited into a woman (*shudder*) and, in fear of the completely unknown, tried playing dead.

  9. Three times, he slipped and called his hag "Liz Taylor," further supporting my theory that he is the Michael Jackson for the new generation!

Congrats to Clay Aiken on his pending test-tube baby! And many thanks for providing me a steady stream of future blogging fodder (as if your excessive eyeliner and creepy disposition weren't enough)!


The Crew said...

Poor Kukka, you actually had to tolerate him touching you?! I hope it was "before" he tended to business! Eewwwww.

Cheysuli and gemini said...

He touched you? Did you like get sanitized afterwards?

Renee said...

LOL! I think the comments make this post.

I'm sure that Clay is now sporting some lovely scratch marks ala Kukka...right?

Orlando Bun said...

What? He's not a blond?

The Meezers said...

oh. my. god. did he touch the vaulted nipples? how did it feel when you bleached them?

Kukka-Maria said...


I did get a bleach bath after (thank you, Agent) and my "vaulted" nips (*snort*) are doing well, abiet a bit chapped.

[Editor's Note: Should one use the word "vaulted" to describe things that practically drag on the floor? Baaaaaaaahahaha]

Though I asked him nicely, Clay refused to don surgical gloves before groping me, so he walked away with some wounds on his paws (thank you, claws). As long as he doesn't dip them directly in his hair dye, he'll heal with little scarring.

Next time, I'll go for the face. MARK MY WORDS, AIKEN!

DaisyMae Maus said...

Eeewwww (insert full-body dry heave here) ... Clay Aiken makes me (shudder) wanna puke up my Fancy Feast. There are limits, Empress!