Friday, June 20, 2008

Bono, Kukka: "We Will Continue our Fight for The Little Bloggers. Comment Poverty Must STOP!"

Associated Press (AP): With our focus on what experts consider real tragedies (in the forms of floods, fires, and famine), it appears the celebrity-spurred, blog-comment equality campaign, I Still Haven't Found the Comments I'm Looking For, has all but disappeared. Though pressured to diversify and lend their names and images to countless other charitable efforts, co-founders and life-long best friends, Bono and Empress Kukka-Maria, claim ISHFTCILF is still going strong.

"We continue to fight for the tiny, new, and seemingly unpopular blogs," explains a tearful Bono. "Could they advertise to get more readers? Yes. Write about things that are actually interesting? Perhaps. Take a remedial English class at the local community college to enhance their writing skills? Of course! But the fact remains: Countless bloggers are waking up this morning to empty or, at best, sparse comment sections of their blogs. This injustice must stop!"

When the ISHFTCILF campaign launched in early 2007, there were countless celebrity supporters, an abundance of shout-outs in award show acceptance speeches, and a goal to eradicate blog-comment poverty by 2008. Yellow LiveStrong bracelets were quickly replaced with mauve, rubber "wristlets" adorned with a diamond-encrusted ISHFTCILF logo.

So, where is the hype now? Have we eliminated the problem altogether?

"I bought about a dozen of those pinky-purple bracelets on ebay last week," explains 69AssClown69, the author of an ├╝ber-popular photo blog. Mistaking his anatomy terms, AssClown's "Uvula Utopia," offers "readers" voyeuristic images of anonymous upskirt shots through the eyes of hidden cameras and rakes in hundreds of comments on each post. When asked if his wristlet purchase is evidence of his ISHFTCILF support and if he's donated any of his daily comments, he laughs, "Hell no! I bought those bracelets as gag gifts to give away to readers who submit panty-shots for my blog! I ain't sharing no comments with no one!"

"AssClown is an example of the comments we are not hoping to obtain and redistribute," explains feline empress, Kukka-Maria, between daily naps. "The collective IQ of his readership is a number far less than the amount of nipples I have on my body. And that's a lot!" Gently licking her paw and rubbing it along her whiskers, The Empress continues, "We are looking for smart and witty comments from intelligent human beings that know the Uvula is the hangy-downy thing at the back of a human's throat and not part of the lady-business region."

In a recent Barbara Walters' interview with Kukka, scheduled to air next week and set at his Alpes-Maritimes Villa in the South of France, the impassioned lead singer of U2 urges the world to donate comments when and where they can.

"Comment redistribution is critical for our interweb survival! What kind of monster can look into the tearful eyes of a suburban 13-year old MySpace user, who claims to be 132 and living in Lichtenstein, and tell her the blog she posted with photos of herself, scantily clad and drunk on the Peppermint Schnapps she found in her parents' liquor cabinet...[Bono's voice, breaking with emotion] that the post is not comment-worthy?!" Wiping a tear, Bono looks at the ground and mutters, "I can't be...that monster. I...won'!"

Waking herself from a mid-interview nap with a fierce air-biscuit, Kukka spells it out for Barbara and the viewing audience. "Think of me as the Robin Hood of the internet. I take from the comment-rich and give to the comment-poor." Glancing at Bono, she continues, "Oh, and he's Little John."

As Bono clears his throat and shakes his head from side to side, Kukka corrects herself. "Fine. You can be Maid Marian, then, for crying out loud!"

According to blogging experts across the continents, blog comment inequality still plagues households, huts, dorm-rooms, and caves all over the world. The dynamic duo behind ISHFTCILF claim that if, by 2009, blog commenting does not even out, people will abandon their sub-par blogs in frustration.

"We'll be left to read only quality, well-written blogs that make us laugh, inspire us to think, and help us take a fresh look at the world around us," explains Kukka-Maria with a frown. "And what kind of internet is that?"

A dismal one, Empress. A dismal one, indeed!


The Meezers said...

oh Kukka, you have inspired me to dedicate 24 hours a day to commenting on every blog I can find. ok, make that 23 hours a day, I need to eat after all.

um, ok maybe 16 hours a day. I do need naps along with my food.

12 - yes 12 hours a day. After litterbox breaks and naps and eating of the foods.

um, 8 hours a day. I do need those 4 extra hours to demand attention from mommy. after all, I have abandoment issues as she is gone 13 hours a day for her stoopid job.

ok, well, 2 hours a day. Between chasing that annoying fur ball Billy around, nagging mommy, pooping, napping and eating the foods, i'm a pretty busy guy.

um, ok 15 minutes. I just realized I'm so busy I need more sleep.

Ever yours - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, my are forever cracking me up! And, because I wanted to tell you that, I got ANOTHER COMMENT!

That's 2...

Kelly Cat said...

Try not to feel bad about having to bring up the subject again, Kukka. People need their memories refreshed periodically, or they will fail to remember. It's a wonder they can even feed themselves, I swear...

Kukka-Maria said...

You know, Kelly, The Agent never has trouble feeding herself, but her memory regarding keeping my bowl topped-off is spotty, at best.

Makes you wonder, eh?

The Crew said...

Kukka, this is yet another example of your unending concern and generosity towards the common people in the world. Kudos, my dear.

Perhaps Barbara will invite you onto The View now.


Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, come on, know me. The only one I'm concerned with is ME! BAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!

Renee said...

hummm so how do I get some of these comments?

Island Cats said...

Hi Kukka,
Now you gots another comment!

Wally, Ernie & Zoey
The Island Cats

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Hmm... Interesting. What would we do with only well written blogs online? This would mean people actually have to READ and you know, they don't like to do that.

Kukka-Maria said...

I wish I knew, Renee! I bonded with a fellow celeb and I still suffer. I prefer to think people just don't "get me." LOL

Island Cats...thank you!

I think you're right, Chey and Gemini! I've often wondered if I were to keep it simple, what might happen. I know one thing: I wouldn't be ME anymore! Veto that! Perhaps you can push Congress to pass a motion on this subject when we elect you president, Chey?

Katie & Da Katz said...


Mawmee wuds like sum commentz on hur bloggees... nobuddeez talks to hur... dey just talks to kittees.

funnee ting... da counter on hur bloggeez keeps goin up!! so sumbuddeez iz commin by
-Katie Too

Katie & Da Katz said...

Mawmee metted a furry nise mostlee famous purrson... he gets lots of commentz - he even left hur one... Heze a furry gentl sweethart... (I'ze cant tell you whos...dats a secrit =^..^=)

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Hmm... I was thinking that as president, I wouldn't have to read anything more complicated than My Pet Goat (and your blog). I wonder how I can word this for Congress--I know!

Except for Kukka-Maria's blog we will have a maximum educational level on all blogs...

DaisyMae Maus said...

It is such a problem, Empress ... Sigh.

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Kukka Maria, I have done what I can. My proposal is over on my blog... I hope it meets your approval.