Associated Press (AP): With our focus on what experts consider real tragedies (in the forms of floods, fires, and famine), it appears the celebrity-spurred, blog-comment equality campaign, I Still Haven't Found the Comments I'm Looking For, has all but disappeared. Though pressured to diversify and lend their names and images to countless other charitable efforts, co-founders and life-long best friends, Bono and Empress Kukka-Maria, claim ISHFTCILF is still going strong.
"We continue to fight for the tiny, new, and seemingly unpopular blogs," explains a tearful Bono. "Could they advertise to get more readers? Yes. Write about things that are actually interesting? Perhaps. Take a remedial English class at the local community college to enhance their writing skills? Of course! But the fact remains: Countless bloggers are waking up this morning to empty or, at best, sparse comment sections of their blogs. This injustice must stop!"
When the ISHFTCILF campaign launched in early 2007, there were countless celebrity supporters, an abundance of shout-outs in award show acceptance speeches, and a goal to eradicate blog-comment poverty by 2008. Yellow LiveStrong bracelets were quickly replaced with mauve, rubber "wristlets" adorned with a diamond-encrusted ISHFTCILF logo.
So, where is the hype now? Have we eliminated the problem altogether?
"I bought about a dozen of those pinky-purple bracelets on ebay last week," explains 69AssClown69, the author of an über-popular photo blog. Mistaking his anatomy terms, AssClown's "Uvula Utopia," offers "readers" voyeuristic images of anonymous upskirt shots through the eyes of hidden cameras and rakes in hundreds of comments on each post. When asked if his wristlet purchase is evidence of his ISHFTCILF support and if he's donated any of his daily comments, he laughs, "Hell no! I bought those bracelets as gag gifts to give away to readers who submit panty-shots for my blog! I ain't sharing no comments with no one!"
"AssClown is an example of the comments we are not hoping to obtain and redistribute," explains feline empress, Kukka-Maria, between daily naps. "The collective IQ of his readership is a number far less than the amount of nipples I have on my body. And that's a lot!" Gently licking her paw and rubbing it along her whiskers, The Empress continues, "We are looking for smart and witty comments from intelligent human beings that know the Uvula is the hangy-downy thing at the back of a human's throat and not part of the lady-business region."
In a recent Barbara Walters' interview with Kukka, scheduled to air next week and set at his Alpes-Maritimes Villa in the South of France, the impassioned lead singer of U2 urges the world to donate comments when and where they can.
"Comment redistribution is critical for our interweb survival! What kind of monster can look into the tearful eyes of a suburban 13-year old MySpace user, who claims to be 132 and living in Lichtenstein, and tell her the blog she posted with photos of herself, scantily clad and drunk on the Peppermint Schnapps she found in her parents' liquor cabinet...[Bono's voice, breaking with emotion] that the post is not comment-worthy?!" Wiping a tear, Bono looks at the ground and mutters, "I can't be...that monster. I...won't...be!"
Waking herself from a mid-interview nap with a fierce air-biscuit, Kukka spells it out for Barbara and the viewing audience. "Think of me as the Robin Hood of the internet. I take from the comment-rich and give to the comment-poor." Glancing at Bono, she continues, "Oh, and he's Little John."
As Bono clears his throat and shakes his head from side to side, Kukka corrects herself. "Fine. You can be Maid Marian, then, for crying out loud!"
According to blogging experts across the continents, blog comment inequality still plagues households, huts, dorm-rooms, and caves all over the world. The dynamic duo behind ISHFTCILF claim that if, by 2009, blog commenting does not even out, people will abandon their sub-par blogs in frustration.
"We'll be left to read only quality, well-written blogs that make us laugh, inspire us to think, and help us take a fresh look at the world around us," explains Kukka-Maria with a frown. "And what kind of internet is that?"
A dismal one, Empress. A dismal one, indeed!