Someone at The Agent's office building sent a humorous plea to the tenants regarding a fork that had been stolen. Trying to be like me, The Agent decided to pen the following and circulate it around the office. It's not as good as the stuff I write, but she tried. I thought I'd share, since I'm too busy lying in the sun today to blog.
Associated Press (AP): Once thought to be a safe kitchen-community, West Michigan has been rocked by an onslaught of utensil crime in recent weeks. Appearing to be the primary target, forks from Bridgeview Avenue to Martin Luther King Boulevard have been advised by city officials to stay close to home, for fear of abduction—or worse.
“It’s sad,” states Bill Carlyle, self-appointed City King. “When I was a kid, forks could roam the streets freely, without a care! What kind of world are we living in where innocent kitchen utensils must constantly look over their shoulders in fear?” When informed that most silverware do not actually have shoulders, an embarrassed Carlyle shakes his head and mutters, “Well, there’s the real crime…”
Some theorize the rise in cutlery crime is due, in part, to an increase of reporting in recent months. “People used to simply overlook missing knives, forks, and spoons,” explains Linda Langland, noted crab dip wizard and adjunct professor of Silverware History at the local community college. “I don’t believe the instances of utensil thievery have become more frequent; we are just hearing more and more about it. People are sick of blaming themselves and pretending they’ve left their silverware at church picnics, work potlucks, and friends’ cookouts. They’ve just been living in denial!”
While most citizens are blaming one another, Shannah Ridgely, esteemed notary and part-time hand super-model, claims to have seen the seedy underbelly behind the fork abductions up close. “As founder and president of Silverware Safety, a vigilante crime-watch group that meets in my basement every-other fifth Tuesday of the month, I know the real scoop,” she explains. Leaning in and whispering, she continues, “Los Banditos Tenedores. I’ve said too much.”
Los Banditos Tenedores (The Fork Bandits) is a gang of spoons who are allegedly terrorizing forks across West Michigan. Spending most of their time in a secret clubhouse said to be located on East Hunter Road, Los Banditos Tenedores have ransacked businesses up and down Hunter.
“I ain’t saying nothin’,” slurs Pancho, known as the alleged muscle of the organization. “You think juss a’cuz I’m a spoon, I hate forks?”
Yes. That’s exactly what we’re thinking.
Jeff Zimmer, Doctor of Kitchen Psychology and author of the self-published and modestly-selling book, “The Flatware Whisperer,” has studied the long-standing secret feud between forks and spoons. “The anger among these groups is staggering,” states Zimmer, shaking his head and wringing his hands. “And people have no clue! They assume everything is harmonious in their silverware drawer. If they were smart, like me, and would just take a moment to press their ear to the drawer at 3 a.m., like I do every night, they’d get it!”
“I’m scared to be alone in the building in the early mornings,” admits Stephanie Kitchner, Custodial-Genius/Landscape-Guru/Bike-Rack-Builder/Window-Installer/City-King-Foot-Decontaminator at in the Hunter Business Center and full-time hand super-model. “After those bandits hit our building, I began carrying a camera to try to catch them in the act. And it’s a good thing I did! If you think it can’t get worse than fork kidnappings, you are dead-wrong.”
Displaying a photo she secretly snapped in her office building kitchen at 6 a.m. one morning, depicting a large serving spoon and two baby spoons, she continues, “They are recruiting kids now that school is out! These tiny spoons that used to be busy serving up pudding cups and snack-sized applesauce in school cafeterias have a lot of idle time on their hands and are ripe for the picking.” When informed that most spoons, young or old, do not actually have hands, Kitchner rolls her eyes and mutters, “It’s a figure of speech, jackass!”
Until the mastermind ladle behind Los Banditos Tenedores is apprehended, city officials recommend you protect your forks and keep a close eye on your spoons. Silverware expert Zimmer further explains, “Even the most expensive spoons from the best homes are at risk for gang activity. Keep your forks close, and your spoons closer!” Turning to take a bite of his lunch Zimmer exclaims, “What happened to my fork!?”