Monday, June 02, 2008

Open Letter to the First Runner Her Own Life!

Dear Ashlee Simpson-Wentz,

While your efforts to perpetuate the buzz around your wedding by neither confirming, nor denying a pregnancy (until after you were officially married) were admirable, you must feel pretty defeated that your sister, once again, trumped you in the press during your special time.

Why you thought going the "mysterious route" would work, when it never had for you, is beyond me. Wasn't it around the time you were neither confirming nor denying a nose job that everyone was more fascinated with Jessica's break-up with Nick? Or was it when we were ogling her slim-down for her role as Daisy Duke? Or painfully sitting through her Proactiv commercials while she exhaustively spoke about her acne downgrading her to merely extremely sexy (which was still more interesting than hearing you deny obvious rhinoplasty)?

Did you not learn, then, that playing the coy card was ineffective? I guess not, because the last several weeks have been just as annoying for us as the whole nose thing.

Here's the Simpson Sister gossip headline tug-o-war, as I've observed it:
  • "Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Get Engaged," but we were reading: "Jessica Simpson 'Couldn't Be Happier' for Ashlee and Pete"

  • "Pete: Ashlee's Ring Doesn't Have 'Conflict' Diamonds," but we were more concerned with: "Jessica Simpson: I'll Be Ashlee's Maid of Honor"

  • "Ashlee Simpson Dodges Pregnancy Questions – Again," but we yawned and preferred: "Source: Jessica Taking Tony to Ashlee's Wedding"

  • "Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Get Married!" but we were more captivated with the idea that they ALLEGEDLY smooched publicly, amidst rumors of a break-up and focused on: "Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo's Wedding Day PDA"

  • Then finally, "Ashlee and Pete Wentz Confirm Pregnancy," but we still wanted to know what Jessica thought: "Jessica on Ashlee as a Mom: 'She'll Be Amazing'."

[Editor's Note: Nice pic, by the way. I started to admire you rocking the "Earth Mother" hair-do, but then was drawn to the mystery of why the armpit of Jessica's dress seems to align with the base of her right breast! You win again, Elder Simpson!]

While I've never lived in another's shadow, I do have some advice for you, Ashlee: Don't string us along to stretch the life of your strategically-released tabloid gossip. It only allows the more important Simpson sister further opportunities to talk about herself. Instead, come out with one, ginormous story like: "Ashlee Simpson Knocked Up, Marrying Pete Wentz, Releasing an Album, Postponing Summer Tour, Battling Gestational Hemorrhoids, and Scheduling Deniable Nose Job for Pending Child Upon Birth so Infant Has Chance of Remotely Resembling Her."

Really...what can she say or do to steal your thunder then?

Wait! HOLD THE PHONE!! Jessica had a bowel movement this morning? Sorry, Ashlee. Some things are undeniably more captivating!

Werd to the second banana...
The Empress


The Crew said...

Kukka, you continue to amaze us. You, as one who has spent her entire life in the spotlight, can still empathize with poor little Ashlee and try to help her out of the shadows. Unfortunately my dear, although your heart is in the right place, I think this is a lost cause.

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Brach, however, understands how you feel so please contact him and whine...

Kukka and I will be out with the WINE.

The Meezers said...

Kukka, if YOU had brought someone to the wedding, the spotlight would be off even the skank Jessica (and holy cat, Tony should have said "YES" when she asked if that dress made her look fat. either that or she is now suffering from microcephalia).

Renee said...

Hey Kukka,
You can tell Ashlee that I don't care more about Jessica than her... I don't care about either of them! Lol

DaisyMae Maus said...

I agree with Renee ... "Simpsons = YAWN" ... Folks with room-temperature IQs are the very definition of boring.