Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tales from My Voicemail

"BEEEEEEEEP! Heeeeeeeeeeere kitty, kitty, kitty! It's Clinton. No, the other one. I'm just calling to find out why you've not been blogging. You know how I need a constant supply of pussy, and you're my favorite! Well, maybe not my favo...nevermind. You know you're up there toward the top 100. Anywhoooooooo...give me a shout when you can. Now that I'm home from supporting my wife's hobby...a.k.a. campaigning for my third term, I've got some time on my hands and am open to giving some of your favorite ear scritches. You know how you like that! And I'd appreciate it if you'd not revive your old joke about not knowing where my hands have been. It was only moderately funny the first seven times...BEEEEEEEEP!"



"BEEEEEEEEP! Oh, Kukka, you're so fiiiiiiiiine, you're so fine you blow my mind! Hey, Kukka! Hey Kukka! Whasssssssssssup, bish?! Ish me...the berry heteroseshual Clay Aiken! Ohmygod...I so dah-runk, you stinky kitty! I so drunk I blow your miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind! What? Someone is telling me they don't believe I'm calling a cat! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha! You are stoopid, you sexy beast of a man because I AM calling a cat! She is the mose beeeeeyoootiful cat I know! And I a-know my a-pussy because it's a-what I a-like-ah to have sex with all day a-long, my friend! I am so into boobs I can harlly get it up. Wait....WHAT?! I meant...BEEEEEEEEP!"



"BEEEEEEEEP! Hello Auntie Kukka. I was calling to thank you for my birthday gift and to say...UGH! Okay. Daddy walked away. When are you coming to get me? This man is crazy! Every day he...shit! [whispered] He's back. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaave me! Please! BEEEEEEEEP!"



"BEEEEEEEEP! Yo, Diva. Sah dah tay! I've got a new crop of PRIMO catnip in and knew you'd want a cut. Call me and we'll...um...discuss it. Remember, don't call my phone. Page Tino, he'll let me know, and I'll call you from the pay phone down at the Quik-Mart. Tell your friends, Diva. This shit's awesome! BEEEEEEEEP!"



"BEEEEEEEEP! Hello, this is John McCain. My friend, Dick Cheney, and I are calling to speak to the registered feline voter of the home. We'd like to encourage you to vote Republican on November 4th in the year 2008 of our Lord. Who, by the way, is the bee's knees, if you happen to be a valued member of the Christian Right. Oh, horsefeathers, Dick! I meant to say 'groovy,' like the kids nowadays do! Never-you-mind. I am not sure if you're aware, but to inspire folks to come out and vote for me, on Election Day, I am putting every 5,000th registered Republican voter--who votes for me--into a swanky lottery-style drawing for a brand-new, hotsy-totsy EDSEL! That ain't no jalopy, my friend! So, don't be a wet blanket, pal o' mine! Don't let a palooka like Obama in the White House! Vote for the real McCoy...John McCain! And, in the meantime, if you have any clams you want to donate to my campaign, that'd be the berries!"

[Clearly, thinking he had hung up, but not hip to operating those new-fangled cell phones...] "Well, applesauce, Dick! How many more of these blasted calls do we need to make! I'm going to need a shot of hooch in a minute! Hey...who is that dolled-up dame? I would like to give it to her in the kisser...AND HOW! BEEEEEEEEP!"

6 comments:

DaisyMae Maus said...

Wow ... You get some trippy voicemails, Empress. Doesn't your agent screen for you?
DMM

Renee said...

Wow! Kukka, are you playing both the Replubfelines & the Democats?

You certainly get some interesting calls.

I'm glad that I'm not as popular as you.

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Leave it to McCain to still be more worried about Obama than me...

The Crew said...

We agree with DaisyMae Maus. All celebrities have their calls screened. Isn't that part of Agent's job description?

Kukka-Maria said...

Are you guys high? I wouldn't give The Agent the passcode to my voicemail if I were dying and the drunk dial Tom Cruise left me had healing properties!

She tries to steal my men...

The Meezers said...

oh Kukka, is your agent that desperate? I mean, I can take her out on a pity.............er......... I mean purely platoincal type of date and show her a good time. - Miles