Because I walk so effing slowly in front of her when her arms are full of groceries as she enters my house.
I'm a sucker for wetting dry skin as she tries to sleep.
See explanation above.
This one isn't my fault. Why must it take a whole 52 seconds for her to sprinkle treats down when she walks in the door?
This one might be warranted.
This one used to be Kukkie Monster, but she's shortened it, as I've been especially cranky lately.
Wait. That's my porn name.
Every few months, she notices the schmutz on the edge of the [insert wall, fridge, coffee table, cupboard, etc. here)] and resents the fact she must clean it off. So I rub my face against things! Would you rather I act like a dog and piss all over the stuff I claim as mine?
She thought I was asleep when she called me this.
Something about me being stubborn and portly.