Wednesday, September 24, 2008

If you're NOT going to be gay for your OWN peace of mind...doing it for the children is the next best thing!

Dear Anonymous,

You didn't think I'd remember you, did you? After all, it was over three months ago when you blasted me for simply reaching out to Clay Aiken and encouraging him to come out of the closet and live proudly before his self-induced shame ate his face, ala Michael Jackson.

"He's so awesome. You guys are freaks for being so mean to this really nice guy. Get a life."

If you recall in my first open letter to you, I explained how I believed "...cheering someone on to be the most free and natural version of themselves is not being mean; it's called 'being a friend.'"

So, what's new, Rabid Claymate? Any news to report? No late-night phone calls you might have shared, over tears and aerosol-whipped-cream-applied-directly-into-the-mouth-amidst-sobs, with anyone who may have finally realized he should feel no shame for being who he is? Or at least giving his child something better than he's ever given himself: Truth?

Just wondering.

Oh, and I thought I'd take a moment to impart some further wisdom (because I can).

Just because a friend denies something you know is fact, doesn't mean it's not true. I repeat: Just because your buddy insists he's into chicks, but shrieks when he sees boobies, does NOT mean he's straight! It just may mean he needs your encouragement to embrace himself and learn to be proud of who he is and whose boobies he WANTS to see!

(By the way, MY multiple nips are on display 24/7...for anyone who's got the hunger...)

It should be said that sometimes, accepting who you are isn't always the best thing, however! Like, your plump friend might wheeze that she is "happy" with her body or is just "big-boned." To be a good friend, you really need to use your own judgment as you apply first-aid ointment to the muffin-top over her jeans that has billowed so fiercely, she now has denim abrasions.

Or what about your buddy who consistently wakes up in a pile of his own sick on day four of a three-day-drunk, but slurs he can stop drinking anytime he wants to? He, too, might need a dose of calibrated self-awareness!

Instead of encouraging them to further deny their true happiness in a pint of Ben & Jerry's, that fourteenth shot of tequila, or by renewing a never-read subscription to "Maxim," you might want to lovingly inspire change. For their own good! Life offers us enough problems; we shouldn't create them in our own hearts and minds. Too many people live lonely lives, pretending to be what they think people want/need them to be.

I fart on that load of horse shit!

Yes, Clay has lied to you for the last 5 years.

Yes, with those denials of homosexuality, you and your "roommate," Brad, would spend countless nights, crying as you spooned one another to soothe the guilt you both felt over wanting to tongue-kiss your special American Idol.

And yes, you sort of made an ass out of yourself on my blog, criticizing me for encouraging Clay to just be him...without shame.

To you, Anonymous, I say: KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! You will, one day, have the opportunity to manufacture a baby with your own elderly fag hag, will look in said child's eyes, and coo, "I love you more than I love myself. I give the gift of my love for penis to the world...for you."

And won't that be a happier day for all of us?!

Respectfully (believe it or not),
The Empress

P.S. Please note that the obesity reference in this open letter should never...NEVER be applied to feline royalty! I don't have jeans I need to squeeze into! And, as long as I can keep my business clean (even with assistance of hired help), YOU CAN ALL SUCK IT!


Monty Q. Kat said...

I'm sorry, you lost me after 'boobies', Empress...

Cheysuli and gemini said...

I think you have done a good job of leading in a tactful and kind way Kukka Maria. If only the world followed you...

The Crew said...

(yawn) And People felt this "news" was cover-worthy?

BTW Kukka, I didn't see you on the red carpet at latest awards ceremony. Were you out of town or didn't your designer get your gown done in time?

The Meezers said...

oh boy! I hollered with glee when I heard the news that KUKKA WILL HAVE TO MAKE A STATEMENT about this!! awesome post - Miles

Ok, that was really me Sammy writing that because Miles got lost after the 24/7 nipple reference.

::comes out of stupor:: BOOBIES!!!! ::drools:: - Miles

DaisyMae Maus said...

An' some (stupid) folks doubted your celebrity wisdom. When will they learn? Probably never ...

Ikaika said...

Free to Be You and Me -- Kukka style! Happy you're back!

(a long time lurker)

Derby said...

::yawn::Oh Kukka, when you are right, you are so right! Why deny the obvious. Free to be me!