Despite the fact it's been awhile since my last installment of "Dear Kukka...," it's not an indication that I've not [hired a team of idiots who have] read my fan mail!
You know the drill; let's get this party started!
Q: You don't seem to be blogging as much as you used to, Empress! What else could you possibly have going on that keeps you from writing 5 days a week?
A: What do I have going on? WHAT DO I HAVE GOING ON?! Well...nothing and everything, really! I've been diagnosed with Agoraphobic-Attention-Deficit-Bi-Polar-Manic-Depressive-Anorexic-Bulmaphobia with some Obsessive-Compulsive side-effects, brought on by my meds. Stop the tears. Seriously. I'm okay, as long as I have my daily dose of treats and belly-rubs. Well, and that, when I say, "JUMP," everyone immediately screams, "HOW HIGH, EMPRESS?!"
Considering my medical affliction, it's been tough to stay in touch. I originally sued The Agent because she wasn't giving me access to the computer. But, the judge said a Feline-American could not, legally, bring about a law suit, so I was left to work the medical angle. Thankfully, the FADA (Feline-Americans with Disabilities Act) brought back my right to blog. SUCK ON THAT, AGENT!
Q: Kukka-Maria, you often suggest part of your extreme super-sexiness can be attributed to your vertical pupils. Why do cats have them and why are yours so special?
A: Thank you for recognizing how incredibly awesome my vertical pupils are (or, at least acknowledging I think they are...). It is well-documented that cats have vertical pupils to see things at actual size. Because our eyeballs are relatively tiny, if we were to sport those little, round pupils humans have, things would look significantly smaller. 1:9, to be exact. With that miniature scale, our kibble would be virtually invisible and our litterboxes so small, we would consistently miss and, in our frustration, resist using the box altogether. Even my bank account would appear to have less money than it does! And I'm not having that!
[Editor's note: Her bank account doesn't have as much cash in it as she believes, since it's a fake account, filled with belly rubs and ear scritches.]
As for why mine are so special? Give me a break! Take a look at those eyes! Question, answered.
Q: Her Holiness, were you born super-sexy or is it a skill you acquired? I am considering becoming super-sexy (I'm only moderately-sexy at this point), so I'm hoping you might have some advice for me.
A: My advice: Give it up. It's not going to happen. Super-sexiness is a genetic thing. You either have it, or you don't. My birth-mother was super-sexy. HER mother was super-sexy. My great-grandmother was only tolerably-sexy, but that was because she had freakishly-grotesque bald spots in her fur and a lazy eye (her mother drank and used catnip when she was expecting that litter). While every day I become super-sexier and am about ready to make the leap to sensationally-sexy, there is nothing I do to make it so. It just is. Despite the shame that accompanies your dismal level of sexiness, keep your chin up. Maybe there are other attributes on which you can focus. Like, let's see...do you put out? There is little shame in being a slut! Or so I'm told...
Q: Empress, how is it that you have dated human celebrities and received no backlash in the tabloids regarding the bestiality angle?
A: Before I address this, I want to welcome all the pervs Googling "bestiality!" And a hearty WELCOME BACK to the many who have visited before when your "animal porn" search pointed you to my tongue-in-cheek, post called "Pet Porn--An Investigative Report." (You sick fucks.)
Having dated Brad Pitt for a year and a half which, in cat years is like twenty, Hollywood got used to our pairing. Did we get uncomfortable stares when we went to Pet Smart in the beginning of our relationship? Absolutely! In hindsight, though, I think that was more about our super-sexy auras than our inter-species pairing. It was clear to all that our love was strong and pure. Before Brad, I dated George Clooney.
[Editor's note: Representatives for Mr. Clooney offer this official word on his alleged relationship with Kukka-Maria: "We can neither confirm, nor deny a romantic history between The Empress and George. We can say that George experienced a great deal of heart-ache over a particular, un-named feline, but he is not in the practice of belly-rubbing and telling."]
Back then, things were different. We dealt with taunts everywhere we went. Many thought that was the reason I broke his heart, but it wasn't. It was because he had that pig (may he rest in peace) and I didn't want to share his attention with a filthy swine. I wasn't judging the pig; I was being my typically selfish self!
Q: I love the eye glasses you're rockin' in the "Dear Kukka..." posts! I never see you wear them in other posts; do you wear contacts the rest of the time?
A: Don't be ridiculous! CATS DON'T WEAR CONTACTS, FOOL! We only wear glasses.
Q: Empress, I must admit I'm feeling a little jilted. You blog, then you stop. You blog, then you stop. I get attached, then I'm left with NOTHING! How do you expect to retain your army of minions when you don't deliver consistently?
A: With all due respect, EFF YOU! I'm not sure what gave you the impression you were the most important thing in my life. I have my own struggles. My own joys. My own hobbies (which include knitting, animal husbandry, primping, and competitive UFC fighting). While I appreciate, nay LOVE the positive feedback, you must recognize that I am the most important being in my life. Quit crying! It's not like this is news to you!
Now be gone with you. I need a nap!