Associated Press (AP): After pulling the plug on a hugely successful blogging career and fading into obscurity for an unexplained 9-months, rumors are swirling about a possible return for prominent feline celebutante, Empress Kukka-Maria. Fans, friends, former friends, and celebrity enemies all seem to have their own Kukka theories.
"I totally saw Kukka at a club just last night! She looked like she had been ridden hard and put away wet! From her worn-out, used-up appearance, she might need 9 more months of beauty rest, if you ask me," dished Paris Hilton, rolling her eyes. Listening intently to the whispering of her publicist, Ms. Hilton then corrected herself. "Oopsie! I've just been informed that was a mirror."
"Y'all...Kukka and I are like twins, separated at birth. Only she's hairy. And has a tail. And I think her teeth are sharper. But we both have boobs that are discussed around water coolers everywhere! Hers, because they are super-sexy and number in the squillions. Mine, because they're implants I deny," mused a clearly medicated Britney Spears, in a stunningly horrific British/Southern accent hybrid. "We both needed a break from the public eye and handled our time out of the spotlight with grace and class. She stopped writing and commenting. I shaved my head, beat a car with an umbrella, and stopped wearing panties. TWINS, I TELL YOU!"
After countless attempts at getting Empress Kukka-Maria to speak about her hiatus and getting nothing but hisses and dizzying flatulence, her Agent finally offered a brief comment.
"I can not discuss how and where The Empess has spent the last 9 months. I can confirm, however, she will be returning to posting on April 1, 2008. No further comment, at this time."
It is hoped Empress Kukka-Maria will dispel the many rumors that surround her sudden disappearance, but how she chooses to address this remains to be seen. Perhaps we will never truly know this feline riddle...wrapped in a mystery...tucked, neatly inside an enigma.