Wednesday, May 28, 2008

On Vacation

I delegated blogging to Brach, but apparently, he feels sleeping in the sun, pooping, and coughing up hairballs are more important.

I'll be back Monday; check back then. UNLESS...he decides to write something!

That lazy git.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Furry Multiple Nipples BE GONE!

It's bikini season and, let's be honest...my nether-region fur is a bit out-of-control! Because I had such a bad experience when I tried hot-waxing my fur the last time, I've been desperate for a waxing alternative.

Imagine my surprise and delight when The Agent got a piece of paper from the kitchen drawer to run over her bamboo knitting needles to make them slippery. The paper? WAX PAPER!

I waited until she had placed the wax paper on the table, then made my move. I painstakingly flicked at it with my paw until it floated to the floor, then sprung to retrieve it. Pausing several times along the way from sheer exhaustion, I dragged the massive sheet into the living room where I pawed at it for about 5 minutes. This step was, in part, to activate the wax (in theory), as well as annoy the beejayzus out of The Agent.

Convinced the paper was primed, I flopped my multiple, hairy nipples on the paper and waited.

And waited.

And fell asleep for awhile.

And waited some more. In fact, I lounged on that paper through the entire Ugly Betty season finale!

I called Brach over to inspect my belly as I rose from the paper and could tell, from the look on his face, I was just as furry as when I had started. Apparently, wax paper does not remove hair after all! My theory, as well as my subsequent imaginary interweb business through which I bilk millions of Americans of their stimulus checks by selling sheets of wax paper for the purpose of hair removal, was kaput.

I still plan to nap on the wax paper, nonetheless. It's smooth on my belly and makes my nipple hair slippery, which makes me giggle.

Don't judge me!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Ode to Liquid Love


My precious tuna water...
Your polished surface glimmers in the sun
Only interrupted by peaks of stray, fishy flesh.
Tuna Juice, I love you.


I lap your sweet saltiness from the plate
With a speed and vigor unmatched by mere mortals.
I think you were created just for me.
Tuna Juice, I heart you something fierce!


Occasionally, when I inhale on the down-swing, you remind me who's boss.
Sneaking into my nostrils and make me choke?
Nice move...I respect your authority.
Tuna Juice, will you be mine forever?


Make no mistake, Tuna Juice,
When my nose bumps Brach's as we fight to partake of just more than our share,
We are not sucking face!
Tuna Juice, I would NEVER cheat on you!


You hold a special place in my stomach,
At least until I deposit you into the litter box.
But your spot in my heart is permanent.
Tuna Juice, I'd marry you if you'd have me.

And, if it were legal.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Aerobic Stroking?

So, get this:

The Agent is lounging on the couch this weekend, so I see an opportunity to get my Love Tank filled.

She extended her paw; I walked under it, feeling her hand move down my spine.

As I felt her fingertips gently squeeze the tip of my tail, I turned and the weight of her wiggling fingers graced the nape of my neck.

We both just stood there, looking at one another, in a "stroking stand-off."

"Walk under my hand," she said lazily chuckling. "As you walk, my stationary hand will move over your back. It's petting AND exercise, Kukka!"

PETTING AND EXERCISE?

Should I have reminded her that I'm not the one whose "fat jeans" fit a but snugly this spring, after a winter of sitting on her ass?

Exercise...pffffffft.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Things I Wanted to Say to "Anonymous" After Reading His Whiny Comment on my Recent Clay Aiken Post, but Couldn't...Because He Dumped and Ran


Where to begin? Where to begin...
  • When you Googled "I want to kiss Clay Aiken's weiner," did it ever occur to you that you might not find a fan site? I'm not sure how new you are to the "interweb," but the it's filled with sites that are...hold onto your hat...SATIRICAL! Google that!


  • If you actually read the post (instead of just looking at the pretty pictures), you would have seen me encourage Clay to be comfortable with his gayness, instead of taking the tragic road of Monsieur Jackson! How is that mean again? In my world, cheering someone on to be the most free and natural version of themselves is not being mean; it's called "being a friend."


  • What do you have against other American Idols? I see you jumped to Clay's defense, but left the snarky comment I made about Justin Guarini alone. What gives? Do you not heart him as much because you know he wouldn't put out or is it the undeniable, raw sexuality that comes through Clay's freckles and effeminate, southern lisp that make your junk quiver? I think you're mean for choosing one American Idol over another. For the record: I loathe them all equally!


  • I see you spent an entire 1 minute and 36 seconds on my blog (53 seconds of which were probably used to spell-check your comment, pat yourself on the back for your "bravery," and tongue-kiss a poster of Señor Aiken). Had you taken a moment to do your research, you would have found I am an EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY SNARK. I have spent hours upon hours criticizing the likes of Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey, Star Jones-Reynolds, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears...the list goes on and on! You don't see their fans curled in a corner, embracing a jar of their tears!


  • I think it's cute you lost sight of your nutsack in the moment and hid behind the name "Anonymous." Yawn. I would have respected you more, had you even tried to be clever in your disguise...like writing as your CAT, for eff's sake!


  • In some circles, Bea Arthur is considered MAD-sexy and one would consider it an honor to have her image as the projection of their future self. I don't know where these circles are, but I'm sure they exist!


  • Your advice to me and my commenters was so compelling! "Get a life." Seriously? Hello, Kettle? It's me, Pot...you're black.

I'm sad you missed the point of that post, Anonymous:
"Feel free to be your true-self and celebrate the natural you...before you spend your whole life trying to fit into the false mold of others' expectations and stifling the shame and guilt you associate with the monster you believe yourself to be...and it comes out through horrific body mutilation and inappropriate attraction to small boys."

I do hope you return and bring all your Claymate friends with you to harangue me. Maybe we can do one another's hair, listen to Clay's new release, and sew some fierce outfits for you to wear to the next Aiken concert...or gay pride parade!

Or, are they one in the same?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

9 Secrets Kukka is Dishing About the Brangelina Babies

Well, it seems any and all insiders can't seem to keep their ginormous yappers shut about Brad and Angelina's pending arrival. First, Jack Black let it slip that twins are expected. Then, Dustin Hoffman boo-booed by releasing the August 19 due date.

Since they are all talking, I might as well tell you what Brad and Angelina have confided in me:
  1. While she is carrying these children herself, to further diversify her family, Angelina is actually using donor eggs. While I will not confirm or deny my involvement, I can recommend you not to be surprised when two kittens, who look remarkably like me, are delivered on August 19.


  2. Much to Brad's dismay, Angelina has taken her doctor's advice to avoid penis during pregnancy so her child doesn't develop an allergy. Wait...what? I'm being told it's PEANUTS! Well, no matter...Brad's either hungry or horny. That can't be bad for the rest of us (especially super-sexy, feline flight attendants with access to an unlimited supply of dry-roasted delights)!


  3. The Jolie-Pitts are registered at Walmart! Anyone want to chip in on a baby blanket for $4.62 (that, sadly, Maddox's 8 year-old cousin sewed for a mere 7¢ per day...)?


  4. The twins will have collagen injected into their lips at birth. Apparently, there's a two-fer deal and it's just more convenient, since they're all at the hospital anyway.


  5. In an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, that is sure to generate an outcry of public criticism, ultra-sound photos will be published with the fetuses in nothing but a sheet, with their entire backs exposed! I believe Billy Ray Cyrus' publicist is advising Angelina to deny being there when the suggestive photos were taken and, soon after they learn to speak, the twins will deliver a prepared statement apologizing for appearing inappropriately slutty (only for their ages, of course...right, Britney?).


  6. The family is slated to join the barrage of half-hour, weekly reality shows. Their show, "We're the Production in Reproduction," is set to be sandwiched between Jennifer Lopez's "Motherhood is SOOOO Hard with Only 6 Nannies" and Nicole Richie's "Does My Baby Look Fat to You?"


  7. Brad and Angelina are growing a crop of "organic" kids to trade for future adoptees. Like buying a house with a huge down-payment, coming to the table prepared to swap your OWN kid makes their monthly baby payments cheaper!


  8. The Jolie-Pitts have signed an exclusive deal Joe Francis (of "Girls Gone Wild" fame) to record and market his new series "Births Gone Wild." They have only committed to the next 10 babies they have, though. In a related story, Larry Flynt has offered $2.5 million for the stills of the conception...


  9. Brad and Angelina are starting a religious cult for "Super-Sexy Individuals." Because of the strict standards, they have decided to populate the cult internally. While Kukka is a charter member, sadly, three of their current children have not been asked to join until they "grow into their looks a bit."

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Clay Aiken, remain calm and stop awkwardly dirty-dancing with that girl on stage! This is a Gay-tervention!

Dear Clay Aiken,

I see you recently dropped a new album! Congrats! I had no idea you were still singing! I guess I will remove your name off of the "American Idols Who Have Predictably Faded Into Obscurity" list.

Sorry, Justin Guarini...you're still there.

Anyway, Clay, I happened to catch a glimpse of your new "look" and it started me thinking: What other famous singer started his career at a young age, had notable success, and denied his sexuality until it manifested itself in unimaginable and undeniable ways?

Let's take a look:





I've seen it happen before, Clay.

Step 1:
Deny your obvious gayness.

Step 2:
Pretend to adore the role of "imaginary boyfriend" for all your teen-girl fans (while secretly hoping for a boy or two to heart you).

Step 3:
Live a lonely life in order to maintain a false, heart-throb image.

Step 4:
Allow your frustration and shame to come out through horrific body modifications while harboring secret (oh, and not-so-secret) lustings of the boys you should have felt free to crush on when YOU were a lad.

Don't you think it'd be less freaky for the world to accept you as gay, than to have your nose (or lack thereof) be the gossip at every water cooler and the butt of every late-night talk show joke?

Clay, I plead with you: Put down that puppy you are substituting for REAL LOVE and stop denying who you are! Michael Jackson's lack of a nose and history of inappropriate sexual contact with minors (allegedly) doesn't make him less gay...it just makes him gay and CREEPY!

My advice: Be gay BEFORE you cross the creepy line. There is no coming back...

PFLAGging it on your behalf,
The Empress

P.S. (For Derby...see comments):
We don't judge the choices of a costume designer...

Friday, May 09, 2008

Brach-Dogg's New Video Drops Today!


And here we thought Brach was sooooooo innocent!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Feline Empress Refuses to Appear on Oprah's Cruise-Lovefest

Associated Press (AP): They all assumed she'd be there, but Oprah fans were highly disappointed when Kukka-Maria failed to appear on the Tom Cruise 25 Years in Show Business tribute on the show, Monday. The audience was allegedly locked into the studio for over 8 hours, while celebrities like Dustin Hoffman, Will Smith, Renée Zellweger, and the ever-sexy David Beckham (who, apparently, was lucky enough to get an early-release from parochial school for the afternoon) regaled the audience with story after story, attempting to create an almost-human-like image of Mr. Cruise.

"After about hour three, there was audible mumbling throughout the crowd," recalls Betsy Grayson from Greenwhich, CT, who had flown in to attend the taping. "I mean, we all like Tom Cruise, I suppose, but we assumed Kukka would be there, or at least there via satellite." Recalling how the royal feline's absence churned the crowd into a frenzy, Grayson continues, "I could have stayed home and watched the damn thing on TV, and would have, had I known The Empress would not be there."

"Of course she was asked to participate," explains Oprah producer, Marybeth Finklebaum. "We phoned, but received no return call. We emailed, but only received response with an attached photo of The Empress...her middle claw prominently displayed. She made it clear to us she had no interest in celebrating Mr. Cruise and his career."

During Dustin Hoffman's video tribute to Cruise, he ate cereal at a table with a cardboard cut-out of Tom. "What you didn't see was that I had a cut-out figure of Kukka, too!" muses Hoffman. "Though the producers seemed chilly to the idea we include it, once they saw it was a figure of The Empress licking her lady business, it was quickly deemed a definite no-go." Shaking his head, a tear rolls down his cheek and his voice breaks, "I guess I'll have to save it for Kukka's video tribute..."

It was rumored Oprah had invited Brooke Shields, a target for Tom's avid anti-psychiatric-drug campaigning. "My reps told me I was going to be joining Kukka to protest the taping and footage of our outcry would be run during the show," relates Shields. "When I arrived at Harpo Studios, Oprah handed me a script that included what I felt were objectionable phrases, so I refused to participate."

While Shields would not reveal the actual content of the script, a Harpo insider provided an email with the following excerpts from the proposed dialogue:

  • "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins...except that picture of Tom Cruise I keep in my panties!"
  • "I feel the need...the need for Scientology!"
  • "Tom Cruise, I should have listened to you about the whole psychiatric drug thing because, while you've never experienced the hormonal hell of Post-Partum Depression, you have been in show business for 25 years and, with the guidance of Xenu, can heal everything simply with the power of your mind."
While repeated requests from Empress Kukka-Maria were refused, reps for the feline released the following statement: "It has never been a secret that Empress Kukka-Maria dislikes Mr. Cruise and Ms. Winfrey. Encountered individually, they are moderately tolerable. In this situation, where they would both be in her presence, it was feared Kukka's head would explode, at best. We have no further comment."

It has not been determined whether she will attend the baby shower for Britney's sister in L.A. next month. With a guest list that include The Olson Twins, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Simpson, among other celebutantes, Kukka's reps fear for her life.

"Though a robust 12 pounds, The Empress is still too small to build up enough gas to launch the appropriate amount of air biscuits that will guarantee the area immediately surrounding her be free of pantiless, mindless, drunken twits. Is is probable she will just send her traditional gift of Cheetos and Red Bull to the newest, little Spears."