"No Fanfare, Just a PWESHUS Pic of Brach,"

Says The Agent!

Me? I say the annoying bastard has finally been locked in the mesh hamper of death and I'm throwing away the effing key! But not before I bury him in dirty clothes...

I want to Salt N' Vinegar All Night...And Party Every Day!

Thank GAWD for The Agent's affinity
for snack foods at the beach and
my subsequent luxury of licking
the left-over Pringles...
(Oh, yes...that chip has been photographed in motion. I worked that shit!)

My Creativity Tank is Running on Fumes...

Completely devoid of creativity and sweating my balls off, even in the air-conditioning, I don't feel much like writing.

I know, I know...I don't have balls! Don't eff with me; I'm a bit fussy. WHERE IS THAT PERSONAL PALM-FROND-WAVING ASS-CLOWN I HIRED?! Grab a frond and earn your keep, Brach!

So, in lieu of coming up with original material (fart), may I present some of my favorite feline headlines from The Onion...

• Like Boxes Of Shit In Your House? Get A Cat!


• Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?


• Local Cat Attempts World Record For Things Sat On


• War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General


• Cat Likes It Doggy Style


• Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten


• Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box


• Cat Prepares For Anal Display In Owner's Face


• Cats Are Better Than Dogs (Point/Counter-Point)


• So-Called Obese Pets Held To Unrealistic Body Standards


• All Of Pregnant Woman's Favorite Names Used Up On Cats

Note to Self:

The next time Brad Pitt challenges you to a drinking contest for the unlimited rights to release pictures of his newborn twins, DECLINE!

No matter HOW impressive you think your alcohol tolerance is, you'll just wake up in a puddle of your own urine--NEXT to the litterbox, with a wicked hangover, and pixilated Jolie-Pitt Twin photos scattered about that are not worth the paper on which they're printed.

This is the best I was legally allowed to send to you, Agent. I'll be home soon...

Kukka Wishes You Were There!

Brach: Agent, did you see what came in the mail today?

Agent: What? More porn? I still can't figure out how I got on that mailing list!

Brach: Suuuuuuuure, you can't! Anyway...we got a postcard from Kukka.

Agent: A postcard? What do you mean? She's not here?! I thought it was a bit more quiet...

Brach: She flew to France for the birth of the Brangelina twins! Don't you remember her telling you she was leaving last week?

Agent: I remember her whining and meowing...I just assumed she was begging for treats, so I tuned her out!

Brach: (whispering under his breath) Would it kill you to learn a bit of Meow, for crying out loud?

Agent: I did notice the litterbox was significantly light on turds this week. Who knew her bowels made up >72% of the gross scoopage?

Brach: I have a dainty digestive system.

(Click to view larger)

Brach: OH! MY! GAWD! Is that a French Harry Potter stamp? (dramatically faints dead-away)

Agent: Looks like she doodled a pic of Miles, sleeping! She must think that's all he does when she's away. So vain...

Brach: (opening one eye) You know...treats are the classic antidote for a Harry Potter Faint. It's a scientific fact!

Agent: FINE! This is probably your one chance to actually EAT treats, without pulling back a bloody stump while attempting to get what's rightfully yours! Come on...

Kukka's Gone Vegetarian?!

Question:
"Kukka, is there anything you WON'T eat?"

Answer:
"What I don't like, I have the courtesy to tongue-bathe..."

The Post Wherein I List Various Nicknames The Agent Calls Me, Both Earned and Unfairly Bestowed

Lumber Bunny
Because I walk so effing slowly in front of her when her arms are full of groceries as she enters my house.


Licky McSlobberkins
I'm a sucker for wetting dry skin as she tries to sleep.


The Scratchinator
See explanation above.


Whiny Bitchmeister
This one isn't my fault. Why must it take a whole 52 seconds for her to sprinkle treats down when she walks in the door?


Quit-Licking-My-Dinner-You-Little-Bitch-Cat-Who-Thinks-All-People-Food-is-for-HER
This one might be warranted.


Monster
This one used to be Kukkie Monster, but she's shortened it, as I've been especially cranky lately.


Tequila Velvet
Wait. That's my porn name.


Smudgy VonWhiskerRub
Every few months, she notices the schmutz on the edge of the [insert wall, fridge, coffee table, cupboard, etc. here)] and resents the fact she must clean it off. So I rub my face against things! Would you rather I act like a dog and piss all over the stuff I claim as mine?


Sweetums Flufferbelly
She thought I was asleep when she called me this.


Fussy Plussy
Something about me being stubborn and portly.