Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
for snack foods at the beach and
my subsequent luxury of licking
the left-over Pringles...
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Completely devoid of creativity and sweating my balls off, even in the air-conditioning, I don't feel much like writing.
I know, I know...I don't have balls! Don't eff with me; I'm a bit fussy. WHERE IS THAT PERSONAL PALM-FROND-WAVING ASS-CLOWN I HIRED?! Grab a frond and earn your keep, Brach!
So, in lieu of coming up with original material (fart), may I present some of my favorite feline headlines from The Onion...
- Like Boxes Of Shit In Your House? Get A Cat!
- Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?
- Local Cat Attempts World Record For Things Sat On
- War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General
- Cat Likes It Doggy Style
- Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten
- Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box
- Cat Prepares For Anal Display In Owner's Face
- Cats Are Better Than Dogs (Point/Counter-Point)
- So-Called Obese Pets Held To Unrealistic Body Standards
- All Of Pregnant Woman's Favorite Names Used Up On Cats
Thursday, July 17, 2008
No matter HOW impressive you think your alcohol tolerance is, you'll just wake up in a puddle of your own urine--NEXT to the litterbox, with a wicked hangover, and pixilated Jolie-Pitt Twin photos scattered about that are not worth the paper on which they're printed.
This is the best I was legally allowed to send to you, Agent. I'll be home soon...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Brach: Agent, did you see what came in the mail today?
Agent: What? More porn? I still can't figure out how I got on that mailing list!
Brach: Suuuuuuuure, you can't! Anyway...we got a postcard from Kukka.
Agent: A postcard? What do you mean? She's not here?! I thought it was a bit more quiet...
Brach: She flew to France for the birth of the Brangelina twins! Don't you remember her telling you she was leaving last week?
Agent: I remember her whining and meowing...I just assumed she was begging for treats, so I tuned her out!
Brach: (whispering under his breath) Would it kill you to learn a bit of Meow, for crying out loud?
Agent: I did notice the litterbox was significantly light on turds this week. Who knew her bowels made up >72% of the gross scoopage?
Brach: I have a dainty digestive system.
Brach: OH! MY! GAWD! Is that a French Harry Potter stamp? (dramatically faints dead-away)
Agent: Looks like she doodled a pic of Miles, sleeping! She must think that's all he does when she's away. So vain...
Brach: (opening one eye) You know...treats are the classic antidote for a Harry Potter Faint. It's a scientific fact!
Agent: FINE! This is probably your one chance to actually EAT treats, without pulling back a bloody stump while attempting to get what's rightfully yours! Come on...
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Because I walk so effing slowly in front of her when her arms are full of groceries as she enters my house.
I'm a sucker for wetting dry skin as she tries to sleep.
See explanation above.
This one isn't my fault. Why must it take a whole 52 seconds for her to sprinkle treats down when she walks in the door?
This one might be warranted.
This one used to be Kukkie Monster, but she's shortened it, as I've been especially cranky lately.
Wait. That's my porn name.
Every few months, she notices the schmutz on the edge of the [insert wall, fridge, coffee table, cupboard, etc. here)] and resents the fact she must clean it off. So I rub my face against things! Would you rather I act like a dog and piss all over the stuff I claim as mine?
She thought I was asleep when she called me this.
Something about me being stubborn and portly.