Thursday, December 18, 2008

Idle Hands Make a Cheating Agent

So, without a laptop on which to blog, The Agent and I have had a lot of free time on our hands. I've filled my surplus with important activities, like...licking my lady business, napping, plucking the carpet, begging for snacks, bullying Brach out of his warm sleeping spots, admiring myself in the mirror, etc.

She, on the other hand, has filled her time with CHEATING ON ME!

I saw her get the yarn out and knit. I then saw smelled her filling little pouches with dry catnip.

CATNIP BISCUITS!!

So, while practically leaping out of my fur with excitement, I managed to calm myself and watch patiently as she took two finished catnip biscuits, stood up, walked toward me, placed them in a mailing envelope, and took them out the freakin' door!

WHAT?!

Of course, I confronted her and she denied, denied, denied. Blatant excuses that, with every "deny," became easier to accept as she coupled her words with ear scritches. (I'm not made of wood, people...)

She even went so far to tell me that I had dreamed the entire thing. Hey...it can happen! I have been known to do really odd things on asleep after taking Ambien (sleep-eating, sleep-farting, sleep-making crank phone calls to Tom Cruise, etc.), so I thought she might right.

Well, guess what yours truly found today!

Exhibit A:
Felix. With a freakin' CATNIP BISCUIT!


Exhibit B:
Oscar. With...what the...ANOTHER CATNIP BISCUIT?!


Apparently, Ms. Benedict Arnold sent some delectable nuggets to our her Arizonian fur-ball friends, without my consent!

So, what have we learned about Agents with too much time on their hands? Apparently, they don't try to cleverly spin/adamantly deny the recent gossip about me pooping outside the litter box...or attempt to get me starring roles in major films!

Instead, they knit fragrant, hand-made-with-love toys for OTHER FREAKIN' CATS!

I'd give her the silent treatment, but wouldn't that be more of a reward?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm in a secret fight with my laptop...

The bastard took a crap on us, preventing me from posting.

Between you and me, he was on thin ice before this; now, I might have to fire him completely!

Friday, December 05, 2008

The "It's Not the Fact He's Draped in a Pink Towel That Makes Us Question His Sexuality" Haikus


Kukka:
He's precious in pink.
Wearing feminity...
He is my gay man.

Brach:
I am wrapped in warmth
Towels do not define me!
I need a new wife.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Russians Learn: You Don't Diss a Priss

Associated Press (AP): Sparking an international legal battle this week, Empress Kukka-Maria has filed a lawsuit against Siberian feline enthusiast, Nina Kostova, and her film production company for fraud.

Speaking on behalf of the feline empress, her legal team of feral alley cats claims she was fraudulently enticed to participate in a project where she was merely one of one hundred thirty supporting actors.

"Ms. Kostova assured us The Empress would be the featured, star performer in a main-stream, non-pornographic video," states Scamp "Damn Cat" Weinstein, lead attorney and professor of constitutional law with a focus on litter box liability and litigation at University of Tijuana School of Law and Bartending, located behind the Martinez Family's Garage on Union and 5th. "While the contract is written on an old, coffee-stained Quiznos receipt and is barely legible, you can clearly see the proof of our claim. We would have rather negotiated a cheap skin flick than to have our girl share a scene with a clutter of clamoring cats!"

A teary, yet stunningly super-sexy Kukka whimpers "I was cast in what I believed to be a starring role in a Siberian art film. I was supposed to have, at least, fourteen scenes in which I was featured as a solo artist, plus two tastefully-shot, semi-nude love scenes--one, a menage a trois." Gingerly licking her paw and rubbing it across her brow, she continues, "When I arrived, however, the crazy cat lady claimed top billing and told me to 'fall in line' with the rest of the extras!" Her angry words growing louder with each syllable, Kukka punctuates her statement with a growling HISS. "EXTRAS!?"

Representatives of Ms. Kostova claim the expectations were set clearly and early. "Kukka-Мария является whiny ребенка.."

Scruffy Weston, a matted Persian cat and world-reknown linguist, specializing in Meow, English, Canadian English, Chihuahua, and dabbling in Russian, was asked to translate. "It either means 'We told Ms. Kukka-Maria that she would be among a squillion other felines in the pursuit of kibble. This should not have been a surprise to her' OR 'Dónde está la biblioteca.' One can never be too sure in these cases."

Scamp Weinstein remains stern and sticks to the facts. "In her rider, it clearly states that she is to be the ONLY feline in the frame. In exceptional cases, where other cats are in the scene, it is expected they would stay in the background and simply feature her with jazz paws."

"I flew cargo to Siberia for the shoot and, once I arrived, realized they did not appreciate my super-sexiness, my ability to cry on queue, nor..." sobs The Empress, "nor my magnificent mutiple nipples! They just wanted a...CAT!"

While the amount The Empress is seeking in physical, emotional, and social damages has not been disclosed (mostly because the feral cat legal team lacks basic mathmatic skills and has been working to convert Russian Rubles to American Dollars for weeks), one thing is clear:

No one puts baby in a corner...with 129 other cats.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Haiku Trio for a Snowfall


Snow falls from the sky.
Its beauty blankets my view;
I want to frolic!

Gazing at snow flakes,
I roll on the warm carpet,
faking "snow-Kukkas."

The door opens wide;
my ass puckers from the chill!
I'll watch from inside!