Saturday, November 06, 2010

Age is Just a Number

by Kukka-Maria

The Agent used to be consistent with the food she provided. While trying to pinch pennies in the last many months, she has switched it up. Every week, she comes home with a new food and, every week, said food is somehow more repulsive than the former. Many a day, I have shaken my head in disgust and proclaimed, “There cannot be ANYTHING worse than this!”

Then she walks in the door with a bag of worse.

She promises when she gets rich (again), she will spring for the good stuff, but I have a hard time believing her. That, however, is not my main concern. My main concern is that today, she unleashed something more diabolical than the most bitter, foul food she has purchased thus far.

I am talking about senior food. SENIOR FOOD!

“You are getting older, Kukka-Maria. I know you don’t acknowledge it, but it is happening, sweets,” she said.

Eff that. I am just as super-sexy and lean as I have ever been! (Editor’s Note: Clearly, Kukka-Maria does not fully understand the definition of “lean.”) I run sometimes…to the food bowl. I do yoga…when I clean my lady-business. I eat healthy…unless I am sneaking food off of The Agent’s plate.

And. I. Am. NOT. OLD!

I am 11. When The Agent was 11, she was with friends, playing yard-games, and discovering boys! How is lying around, farting, and napping all day any different than dancing enthusiastically to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller?” Apples to apples!

Yes, while I was born with grays, I am starting to find them amidst my blacks. Yes, I used to have more energy. And, yes…I am (claw quotes) “ripening,” but I am not a senior…SENIOR!


by The Agent

You are getting older, Kukka-Maria. I know you don’t acknowledge it, but it is happening, sweets.

I have not wanted to admit it, either! When you lumber down the hallway and stand to claw the doorframe, I still see the sprite youngster who would RACE down the hall and LEAP to hang from the doorway—4 feet up. When you eat at the bowl, lie down for a rest, then get back up to continue eating, I still see the itty-bitty-kitty who chomped her first bites in my home. The kitten who, after filling her tummy, walked around and around my head on my shoulders. You threw your tiny body against my cheek in appreciation.

SO WHY ARE YOU SO UNGRATEFUL NOW? (I choose to avoid the “tiny body” vs. current state issue.)

I buy you food. I buy you treats. I buy you toys. I buy you litter (I sometimes fail to scoop; that is not the issue at-hand). I think, if you had a concept of money (other than that which has been shoved in your g-string….no, I have not forgotten May 18-19, 2001) you would have a greater appreciation and be glad that I even PROVIDE food for you! If I am buying, I am choosing!

And…You are old. OLD! Get used to it! It happens to all of us and, quite frankly, we should be happy to grow old. The alternative is to be dead.

As for the gray hair, sis? When I decide to address my own, we can discuss addressing yours. As for now? Work to extract them with your scratchy tongue while grooming.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Friday, June 18, 2010

My So-Called Kitty Slang

Every once in awhile, The Agent will unleash what she believes to be the most current and cool "kitty slang."

Tonight, for example, it was, "Yo, Kukka...are you going to get in the Litter B? It's freaky-fresh, yo!"

It took everything within me to suppress an obvious eye-roll.

When will these people get that they can't hang?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fleeting Facebook Fame

The Agent has already disbanded my Facebook Fan Club!


She said that, as the Administrator, she was giving up her too much of her anonymity as she was suddenly having to manage a bunch of crazy and unknown friend requests for her own profile. 

So, apparently, her comfort and happiness takes priority over my fans.


For now, imagine my Facebook status update as such:

Empress Kukka-Maria: is totally miffed and is plotting her revenge. While the specifics are currently unclear, she suspects it will involve some the flicking of bodily waste where it doesn't belong.

Thanks to all who joined or expressed interest!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Facebook Fans Unite

Yeah, I did it. Screw Catster (on a side note, I totally love you and don't know why I would write something contrary)!

I'm going to now reside on Facebook (I'm not going to delete my blog, but...I will be posting more frequently (and briefly) on Facebook). If you want to find me there, search for me. I'm Feline Empress Kukka-Maria.

I'll totally keep the blog for more, um...elaborate topics.

Also...the Twitter account is going to be deleted. I feel like I'm telling you that Santa, The Easter Bunny, AND The Tooth Fairy are fake!

Love me, still?

Friday, April 30, 2010

Another Kitty Called "Cash"

Today, The Agent was at her parents' (our grand-dude's) house and came upon a visitor. He explained that he, his wife, and 4-year-old daughter had rescued a kitten from the shelter.

And, then, it cost him over $2,000.

The little boy, "Scamp," was fine, at first. They went to Florida for 2 weeks and paid $65 to a woman (with cats) to care for him (at her home).

Scamp came back to them...sick.

They went to the vet because he wouldn't eat and "wasn't himself."  The initial tests were no less than $100. They decided he needed medicine ($50).

The cat started spiking a fever and they said he had FIP and might not live...then, a day later, his fever went away and his bloodwork was fine.

THEN, because he still wouldn't eat, they took X-Rays. There was a "circular object" in his intestines, as well as a mouse carcass (GO, KITTY!). They needed to operate.

It reminds me of my gay husband's dilemma!

So...needless to say, their new kitty for their 4-year old daughter, has now cost them over $2,000.

I am grateful for people who will commit to an animal, no matter what. We are not disposable!

The Agent rebukes, but I know she will cough up the goods!

Friday, April 23, 2010

She's Lucky

So, The Agent has realized the longest and most successful relationship she has had, in her adult-life, has been with me.

I KNOW, right? This is cause for celebration, not a pity party!

She has been a great pet for me, despite the fact she has trained me to know the sound of my own name, to respond when the word "treats" is uttered (or typed, bitches...), and to cock my head to the side and rub on her when she says, "Love on me?"

I'm not made of wood, people.

I love that Agent o' mine. That's why I insist upon sleeping on top of her or, at least, in the middle of the bed.  That's why I nudge my nose under her mouse-hand when she's on the computer. That's why I pluck at the carpet when I don't feel she is paying enough attention to me. That's why I will lovingly intimidate Brach to acquire his warm sleeping spot.

It's all for you, Agent...all for you.

Our friends lost their dog, Brizzy, this week. Today, love especially hard on your pets...human or otherwise.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Sabi is Going Home

He came to stay with us on Jan 11, 2010. Granted, we've had our issues (mostly Brach, as he has been traumatized by the youthful Sabi attacking him), but we're sort of sad he's actually going.

And, by "sad," I mean "ecstatic."  Granted, The Agent isn't in full agreement with me.  She is actually SAD.  Brach?  Well, he will enjoy a well-deserved break!  How many 10 year old cats must endear 3½ months of a pre-pubescent tom, chasing, punching, and biting? Not many in this house...before Sabi's stint.

To honor Sabi, the 3-year old who rocked our world, please enjoy the a look back at our house guest:

I will not go on record as saying I will miss him (because I will NOT miss him...but, super-secretly will. Thank GAWD for the secrecy of parentheses!).  I will say that, while he was here, I got to boss TWO tomcats around

I call that...BLISS!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Treat on Deck

So...keeping a treat on the sly is wrong?
Tell that to my stomach...later!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Zombie Brach

You will succumb to my power.
You will call me "MASTER."
You will give me treats, as I beckon.
You will not bully me...Kukka!
If you don't agree, I will eat your braaaaaaaaain!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Adult Content

You act surprised.

Read the back-log and you won't be.

I'm flagged as "ADULT CONTENT" for a reason...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A New Crazy Cat Lady Low...

The Agent had someone imply she was a crazier, cattier lady than she is.

The framed pictures on her desk, at work:.


Her co-worker approached, "I've been wanting to ask you...are those real cats?"

"Real cats?" The Agent responded, puzzled.

"I mean, are they yours or are they just pictures of cats?"

After The Agent stopped laughing, she responded, "Are you suggesting I might find cute pictures of cats on the internet or (GASP) buy cat calendars, print and (wait for it) FRAME them?"

The Agent says she feels better about herself, knowing there might be worse out there.

By the way, the pic that SHOULD be on her desk?  From Halloween 2007 (aka "Crazy Cat Lady" costume):

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Saturday, February 27, 2010

To Whom it May Concern at Every Cute Animal Website in Existence:

I hope you're happy.

I am sobbing...SOBBING! After perusing your websites filled with pictures of adorable kittens, I'm now questioning my own cuteness. I have viewed photo after photo after photo of frolicking, soft, non-saggy-bellied felines that suggested to me I'm past my prime and no longer super-sexy.

Thank you for that.

Please allow me to address my favorite two sites, individually.

You had me at the baby hedgehog and kept me with the baby bunnies, baby monkeys, and baby mongooses. Baby mongeese? Either way, I never thought you'd sneak up on me with kittens. Excuse me, while I shake my paws in the air as I yell, "KIT-TENNNNNNS!"

At first, I would sneak quick glances, saying I could deal with it...I was strong. Quick glances became longing looks. Longing looks became lingering stares. One day I found myself staring at myself in the mirror shouting, "GET PRETTIER!" It damaged my self-esteem.

You, Cheezburg, went a step further. Not only did you post a myriad of what I call "Kitty Porn," you had to add cute, phonetically-spelled phrases as if they were uttered by the models themselves!

What the hell?
  • "Shh!!! They don’t noez we here!!"
  • "Rule #16 For Blind Dating Always chek breff for fishy smel!"
  • "U cans maek teh bed later. I’z nawt done playin’ cave kitteh!"

I've spent years...YEARS learning proper English and in 3 minutes of viewing your site, you stumped me.  I knew they were out there, but to cater to the "Tawkin' Like Stoopid Kittehs!" demographic seems so rudimentary. Thank goodness Brach can not read or I'd have two belligerent, rebellious "kittehs."  Damn that Catspeak!

It's a daily challenge to be on Twitter, Facebook, and Catster--the "MySpace" of the cat community. It saddens me that I must now add your sites to the "STUPID DOUCHE" section of my browser.

Thanks, cute pet sites. You either make me feel un-sexy or make me feel "stoo-pid!"  Blech!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Some things never change...

That sonofabitch keeps taking the sleeping spot  I never
knew I wanted!  I had...just HAD to school him!

Shhhhhhh...don't tell anyone, but...

I just licked The Agent's bbq chicken pizza.

A lot.

And now I'm watching her eat it and chuckling.

Today will be a good day.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sabi is Showing Off to Impress Me

So, the boys wrestle...they's been nauseating.

UNTIL...I realized Sabi is TOTALLY trying to impress me with his masculinity.

EXAMPLE #1:  Sabi chases Brach around the living room, while I lounge on the couch. 
I pretend not to pay attention...that's my way.  But, Sabi will trill and meow like crazy to get my attention!  He'll swat at Brach, bite at Brach, and chase Brach with no mercy.  I get, now, that he's looking for me open my eyes and see him for the tom he is.

EXAMPLE #2:  Sabi flexes his muscles every time I'm in a 5' radius of him.
I have no PROOF of this, per say...but I notice his gludious maximus muscles contract when I approach.  Granted, many times he's in the litter box, making a deposit.  But I think it's because he knows I'm watching.

EXAMPLE #3:  Sabi gets crazy mad at Brach.
Sabi knows Brach is my (allegedly gay husband).  I suspect Sabi is also "juicing"...causing the 'roid-rage.  Well, the rage AND the backne.  I'm saying...I see through the fur.  His mother says he's "petite...a small boy," but she's not looking at his neck.  His NECK is effing HUGE!  Yes, he has tiny legs and an incredible six-pack, but the tom is a maniac!

EXAMPLE #4:  Sabi tries to get ear scritches while I'm in The Agent's reach.
He secretly wants to rub against me while he's pretending to get strokes from The Agent.  That woman falls for it all the effing time!  I just throw him my flirty eyes...and hiss.  I find that making him think I'm a physical threat is best.  It worked for capturing Brach in my lasso...

That boy is wrecked over me!  But, can you blame him?

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Friday, January 29, 2010


Am I cold?

Am I cute?

Am I in need of a fleece garment that will keep me warm, yet keep my paws free?


The Snuggie™ people are speciests.  There.  I said it.


Or...Hot Pussies Rock.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


When I hear "tweet," I typically press my nose against the glass and moan at what I'm sure is a tasty bird feeding off the bait The Agent hangs outside.

Now? It's ME that's tweeting! Don't tell The Agent, but I went rogue and decided to start a Twitter account. I've not had time to blog as much with the new job of being boss to BOTH Brach and Sabi. I'd think hissing isn't hard work, but my throat has gone dry with the extra effort!

If you tweet, find me at @kukka_maria.

I'm not abandoning you here; I'm just making myself more accessible to my fans!

And, if I hear you're the one who snitches to The Agent, you will be dead to me.  DEAD. TO. ME!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Sweet Suck-Up

Brach has this thing about lying next to The Agent on the couch, stretching out his paw, and resting it against her leg as he sleeps.

She says it's because he wants to be connected to her.

I think he's perfected his pretty-boy, suck-up, kiss-ass moves.

Next, I'll be the ONLY one bitching about surfing turds in a litterbox that needs a good he sprawls across her lap, drooling!

Friday, January 08, 2010

I've Decided He's Not an Unwanted Roommate...But a New Lover. Nay...New LO-VAH!


So, this 3-year old (or is it 3 year-old...or 3-year-old) Sabi is going to be residing with me.  And, despite my initial grumblings, I have reconsidered the impact of his presence. Here are my reasons:
  • I am awesome, so Sabi's desire to associate himself with me makes complete sense.
  • I love men. Hello...I've always had a HEALTHY and VIRILE stable of Tomcats.
  • I could bitch and bitch and bitch, but The Agent seems to have a mind of her own (despite the catnip I strategically place in her pillow), so I have to adapt.
  • I have NEEDS! Must I say more?
  • My shiny coat needs maintenance and Brach's tongue is getting weary.
  • I'm going to be honest: My nether-regions need action.
  • While I don't want to share my food with anyone, I might be interested in splurging for kibble...if Sabi puts out!
  • They say my whiskers are sensitive...let's have the new boy discover Kukkamerica!
  • Now, The Agent will calculate MORE CATS with MORE TREATS and, since I'm older and more rotund, I can muscle more snacks (with limited bruising...if the subservient minions are smart)!
  • I can blame Sabi, the youngster, for the shenanigans around the house that result in broken items and dreams.
  • Flirting with Sabi will make Brach jealous and, consequently, will make my husband pay more attention to me. It's the law of testosterone, ladies!
  • While Brach CLAIMS to be upset when I bathe him gently, then bite him until he vacates the warm napping-spot, he loathes me bullying someone else.
  • Sabi looks like me enough to act as a stand-in for the paparazzi.  Can you say, "Stunt Double?"
  • The designers clamoring to design award-season gowns for me have accepted Sabi as my dress-maker's dummy...because I have better things to do and he is in better shape.
Oh, yes.  This partnership can be advantageous for us.  And, by "us," I mean "me."

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


Sabi is coming to stay at our my house again.  This time...FOR SIX WHOLE MOTHER-FREAKIN' MONTHS!

Apparently, his agent is leaving West Michigan for some place called "I-OH-WAH" for work.  The rub is she's taking her dog, but not her cat.

Yes, THAT DOG!  I am tempted to dress that little Sabit up in a dog suit just to avoid having to deal with him.

So, The Agent, fearing her buddy was going to declaw Sabi to let him live at another house, volunteered us to catsit. Now, while I take a strong stance against declawing, I wish she had volunteered our garage instead our my home.

Wait, wait, WAIT!  Catsit?!  Um, try babysit!  Sabi is 3 years old.  Me? I'm [unintelligible] years old and Brach is 10!  We have matured to the point where sleeping, napping, eating treats, and snoozing are our favorite activities!

Stay tuned, folks.  It's going to get ugly on January 10th.


Monday, January 04, 2010

The King of Back-Handed Compliments

So...over the holidays, I met a tomcat with attitude.  He talked to a friend of mine and told her he thought I was super-sexy.  I, too, thought he was super-sexy.

Then he talked.

"You wear your fur beautifully...for a fat cat.  I mean...most cats your size can't pull off a coat like that!"  I looked at him ever so closely and realized I was seeing him with tasty-treat glasses.  HUH?  I am  beautiful FOR A FAT CAT?

Then..."I'm not into looks as I age.  Now that I'm 13, I feel personality is more important than looks."  SERIOUSLY?  You're into me now, and buying me catnip, so now you're saying I'm NOT HOT?

He bragged about his scratching post, then boasted about how he designed his collar.  THEN, his fat tummy puffed up and he talked about  Between you and me?  His manhood was nipped when he was a kitten.

Why do tomcats try to make we super-sexy pussies inferior, thinking that's how they can pick us up?

I'm just sayin'...

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Successfully Bullying Since 2000

2010 and nothing has changed.  Intimidating Brach on Grandma's quilt.