Saturday, February 27, 2010

To Whom it May Concern at Every Cute Animal Website in Existence:

I hope you're happy.

I am sobbing...SOBBING! After perusing your websites filled with pictures of adorable kittens, I'm now questioning my own cuteness. I have viewed photo after photo after photo of frolicking, soft, non-saggy-bellied felines that suggested to me I'm past my prime and no longer super-sexy.

Thank you for that.

Please allow me to address my favorite two sites, individually.

You had me at the baby hedgehog and kept me with the baby bunnies, baby monkeys, and baby mongooses. Baby mongeese? Either way, I never thought you'd sneak up on me with kittens. Excuse me, while I shake my paws in the air as I yell, "KIT-TENNNNNNS!"

At first, I would sneak quick glances, saying I could deal with it...I was strong. Quick glances became longing looks. Longing looks became lingering stares. One day I found myself staring at myself in the mirror shouting, "GET PRETTIER!" It damaged my self-esteem.

You, Cheezburg, went a step further. Not only did you post a myriad of what I call "Kitty Porn," you had to add cute, phonetically-spelled phrases as if they were uttered by the models themselves!

What the hell?
  • "Shh!!! They don’t noez we here!!"
  • "Rule #16 For Blind Dating Always chek breff for fishy smel!"
  • "U cans maek teh bed later. I’z nawt done playin’ cave kitteh!"

I've spent years...YEARS learning proper English and in 3 minutes of viewing your site, you stumped me.  I knew they were out there, but to cater to the "Tawkin' Like Stoopid Kittehs!" demographic seems so rudimentary. Thank goodness Brach can not read or I'd have two belligerent, rebellious "kittehs."  Damn that Catspeak!

It's a daily challenge to be on Twitter, Facebook, and Catster--the "MySpace" of the cat community. It saddens me that I must now add your sites to the "STUPID DOUCHE" section of my browser.

Thanks, cute pet sites. You either make me feel un-sexy or make me feel "stoo-pid!"  Blech!


Cheysuli and gemini said...

Yes I too find cute pet sites annoying--as if I myself were not enough!

The Crew said...

You are correct, Kukka. Sometimes these sites are just too much for we older cats to bear. Enough is enough!! Why not a site featuring senior catizens?


The Meezers and Billy said...

oh Kukka, you are ALWAYS sooper sexy - kittens can only DREAM to be like you when they grow up and get fat and.......... er........... oops............. ::SIGH:: you know, like ME. I'm fat and I have girl hips. I'm not a sooper kyoot kitten anymore either. - Miles, still hopefully a TomCat