Friday, January 29, 2010

Speciests...

Am I cold?

Am I cute?

Am I in need of a fleece garment that will keep me warm, yet keep my paws free?

YES!

The Snuggie™ people are speciests.  There.  I said it.

BOYCOTT SNUGGIES!  And by "boycott," I mean "SHED YOUR BACKWARDS FLEECE ROBE AND REALIZE THAT LITTLE BIT OF WARM HEAVEN IS NOT WORTH TURNING YOUR BACK ON AN ENTIRE SPECIES OF PRECIOUSNESS!"

Or...Hot Pussies Rock.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Tweet...tweetle-eet!

When I hear "tweet," I typically press my nose against the glass and moan at what I'm sure is a tasty bird feeding off the bait The Agent hangs outside.

Now? It's ME that's tweeting! Don't tell The Agent, but I went rogue and decided to start a Twitter account. I've not had time to blog as much with the new job of being boss to BOTH Brach and Sabi. I know...you'd think hissing isn't hard work, but my throat has gone dry with the extra effort!

If you tweet, find me at @kukka_maria.

I'm not abandoning you here; I'm just making myself more accessible to my fans!

And, if I hear you're the one who snitches to The Agent, you will be dead to me.  DEAD. TO. ME!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Sweet Suck-Up

Brach has this thing about lying next to The Agent on the couch, stretching out his paw, and resting it against her leg as he sleeps.

She says it's because he wants to be connected to her.

I think he's perfected his pretty-boy, suck-up, kiss-ass moves.

Next, I'll be the ONLY one bitching about surfing turds in a litterbox that needs a good scooping...as he sprawls across her lap, drooling!

Friday, January 08, 2010

I've Decided He's Not an Unwanted Roommate...But a New Lover. Nay...New LO-VAH!

Okay.

So, this 3-year old (or is it 3 year-old...or 3-year-old) Sabi is going to be residing with me.  And, despite my initial grumblings, I have reconsidered the impact of his presence. Here are my reasons:
  • I am awesome, so Sabi's desire to associate himself with me makes complete sense.
  • I love men. Hello...I've always had a HEALTHY and VIRILE stable of Tomcats.
  • I could bitch and bitch and bitch, but The Agent seems to have a mind of her own (despite the catnip I strategically place in her pillow), so I have to adapt.
  • I have NEEDS! Must I say more?
  • My shiny coat needs maintenance and Brach's tongue is getting weary.
  • I'm going to be honest: My nether-regions need action.
  • While I don't want to share my food with anyone, I might be interested in splurging for kibble...if Sabi puts out!
  • They say my whiskers are sensitive...let's have the new boy discover Kukkamerica!
  • Now, The Agent will calculate MORE CATS with MORE TREATS and, since I'm older and more rotund, I can muscle more snacks (with limited bruising...if the subservient minions are smart)!
  • I can blame Sabi, the youngster, for the shenanigans around the house that result in broken items and dreams.
  • Flirting with Sabi will make Brach jealous and, consequently, will make my husband pay more attention to me. It's the law of testosterone, ladies!
  • While Brach CLAIMS to be upset when I bathe him gently, then bite him until he vacates the warm napping-spot, he loathes me bullying someone else.
  • Sabi looks like me enough to act as a stand-in for the paparazzi.  Can you say, "Stunt Double?"
  • The designers clamoring to design award-season gowns for me have accepted Sabi as my dress-maker's dummy...because I have better things to do and he is in better shape.
Oh, yes.  This partnership can be advantageous for us.  And, by "us," I mean "me."

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Flustered

Sabi is coming to stay at our my house again.  This time...FOR SIX WHOLE MOTHER-FREAKIN' MONTHS!

Apparently, his agent is leaving West Michigan for some place called "I-OH-WAH" for work.  The rub is she's taking her dog, but not her cat.

Yes, THAT DOG!  I am tempted to dress that little Sabit up in a dog suit just to avoid having to deal with him.

So, The Agent, fearing her buddy was going to declaw Sabi to let him live at another house, volunteered us to catsit. Now, while I take a strong stance against declawing, I wish she had volunteered our garage instead our my home.

Wait, wait, WAIT!  Catsit?!  Um, try babysit!  Sabi is 3 years old.  Me? I'm [unintelligible] years old and Brach is 10!  We have matured to the point where sleeping, napping, eating treats, and snoozing are our favorite activities!

Stay tuned, folks.  It's going to get ugly on January 10th.

UG-LY!

Monday, January 04, 2010

The King of Back-Handed Compliments

So...over the holidays, I met a tomcat with attitude.  He talked to a friend of mine and told her he thought I was super-sexy.  I, too, thought he was super-sexy.

Then he talked.

"You wear your fur beautifully...for a fat cat.  I mean...most cats your size can't pull off a coat like that!"  I looked at him ever so closely and realized I was seeing him with tasty-treat glasses.  HUH?  I am  beautiful FOR A FAT CAT?


Then..."I'm not into looks as I age.  Now that I'm 13, I feel personality is more important than looks."  SERIOUSLY?  You're into me now, and buying me catnip, so now you're saying I'm NOT HOT?

He bragged about his scratching post, then boasted about how he designed his collar.  THEN, his fat tummy puffed up and he talked about his...um...manhood.  Between you and me?  His manhood was nipped when he was a kitten.

Why do tomcats try to make we super-sexy pussies inferior, thinking that's how they can pick us up?

I'm just sayin'...

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Successfully Bullying Since 2000



2010 and nothing has changed.  Intimidating Brach on Grandma's quilt.