Saturday, February 27, 2010

To Whom it May Concern at Every Cute Animal Website in Existence:

I hope you're happy.

I am sobbing...SOBBING! After perusing your websites filled with pictures of adorable kittens, I'm now questioning my own cuteness. I have viewed photo after photo after photo of frolicking, soft, non-saggy-bellied felines that suggested to me I'm past my prime and no longer super-sexy.

Thank you for that.

Please allow me to address my favorite two sites, individually.

You had me at the baby hedgehog and kept me with the baby bunnies, baby monkeys, and baby mongooses. Baby mongeese? Either way, I never thought you'd sneak up on me with kittens. Excuse me, while I shake my paws in the air as I yell, "KIT-TENNNNNNS!"

At first, I would sneak quick glances, saying I could deal with it...I was strong. Quick glances became longing looks. Longing looks became lingering stares. One day I found myself staring at myself in the mirror shouting, "GET PRETTIER!" It damaged my self-esteem.


You, Cheezburg, went a step further. Not only did you post a myriad of what I call "Kitty Porn," you had to add cute, phonetically-spelled phrases as if they were uttered by the models themselves!

What the hell?
  • "Shh!!! They don’t noez we here!!"
  • "Rule #16 For Blind Dating Always chek breff for fishy smel!"
  • "U cans maek teh bed later. I’z nawt done playin’ cave kitteh!"

I've spent years...YEARS learning proper English and in 3 minutes of viewing your site, you stumped me.  I knew they were out there, but to cater to the "Tawkin' Like Stoopid Kittehs!" demographic seems so rudimentary. Thank goodness Brach can not read or I'd have two belligerent, rebellious "kittehs."  Damn that Catspeak!

It's a daily challenge to be on Twitter, Facebook, and Catster--the "MySpace" of the cat community. It saddens me that I must now add your sites to the "STUPID DOUCHE" section of my browser.


Thanks, cute pet sites. You either make me feel un-sexy or make me feel "stoo-pid!"  Blech!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Some things never change...

That sonofabitch keeps taking the sleeping spot  I never
knew I wanted!  I had...just HAD to school him!

Shhhhhhh...don't tell anyone, but...

I just licked The Agent's bbq chicken pizza.

A lot.

And now I'm watching her eat it and chuckling.

Today will be a good day.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sabi is Showing Off to Impress Me

So, the boys wrestle...they chase...it's been nauseating.

UNTIL...I realized Sabi is TOTALLY trying to impress me with his masculinity.

EXAMPLE #1:  Sabi chases Brach around the living room, while I lounge on the couch. 
I pretend not to pay attention...that's my way.  But, Sabi will trill and meow like crazy to get my attention!  He'll swat at Brach, bite at Brach, and chase Brach with no mercy.  I get, now, that he's looking for me open my eyes and see him for the tom he is.

EXAMPLE #2:  Sabi flexes his muscles every time I'm in a 5' radius of him.
I have no PROOF of this, per say...but I notice his gludious maximus muscles contract when I approach.  Granted, many times he's in the litter box, making a deposit.  But I think it's because he knows I'm watching.

EXAMPLE #3:  Sabi gets crazy mad at Brach.
Sabi knows Brach is my (allegedly gay husband).  I suspect Sabi is also "juicing"...causing the 'roid-rage.  Well, the rage AND the backne.  I'm saying...I see through the fur.  His mother says he's "petite...a small boy," but she's not looking at his neck.  His NECK is effing HUGE!  Yes, he has tiny legs and an incredible six-pack, but the tom is a maniac!

EXAMPLE #4:  Sabi tries to get ear scritches while I'm in The Agent's reach.
He secretly wants to rub against me while he's pretending to get strokes from The Agent.  That woman falls for it all the effing time!  I just throw him my flirty eyes...and hiss.  I find that making him think I'm a physical threat is best.  It worked for capturing Brach in my lasso...

That boy is wrecked over me!  But, can you blame him?

Saturday, February 06, 2010