Monday, May 16, 2011

I have 17 hotels and 42 houses on Park Place...PAY UP, BITCHES!

What a crazy weekend! Who knew that buying property, building houses and hotels and bankrupting my friends would be such a heady experience!

It was!

After fielding phone calls all day Saturday from people wanting to be near me, I finally decided it was time to hold my traditional "Cut-Throat Monopoly Tournament...A Bloody Battle to the Death." I chose my competitors carefully. I wanted them to be sweet (so they didn't get too violent when I took all of their multi-colored money), intelligent (but lacking the ability to effectively strategize), and super-sexy (that helps me deal with the sobbing when they lose, as tears streaming down a super-sexy face are still cute).

Since my celebrity friends don't meet all of the criteria, I went with some local tomcats. And, because my Agent is not keen on gambling, fake or otherwise (she is still in a secret fight with Las Vegas), I decided to hold my game in the back room of The Pussy Pub, the local feline watering hole.

First, there was Elmar, a super-sexy German Rex. I met him only recently, but I find his meows difficult to resist, as they are enhanced with a seductive German accent. Ich bin sein liebesklave! While I feared his heart-melting smile might distract me from nabbing all of his faux cash, I felt pretty confident that I could fight my urges and maintain my "take no prisoners" approach to leaving him penniless. I'll admit it here once (and will deny it later), but I did float him a low-interest loan during the game when he was teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

What? I didn't do that!

My next guest was a Persian named Rourke Kavanaugh, III. Though equally irresitable, he has a tendency to antagonize me and isn't the biggest Kukka fan which, of course, infuriates me. He has a reputation for being quite the ladies' tom; it's unclear whether he's actually earned it or if it is merely urban legend. Despite the fact he is very conservative in his views of the world (something that gets me going...and not in the good way), I think he secretly pines for me and, if he were to grow a pair (his were surgically removed early on), he might make a move. The potential of him being my sex slave is just enough reason for me to keep him around.

Next was Gus, a Mastiff. Don't judge me for including a dog in my game! He is a new friend and a sweet pup who, when not monitored, tends to slobber on you a bit and sniff your lady business. He means well, so you sort of have to forgive him. A gentle dog, he sometimes gets distracted--which makes him a great Monopoly opponent. He asked to bring a girl to the game, but she has a reputation for being an overly trashy drunk and I was just not having the competition chaos at my Monopoly table. There is room for only one trashy drunk at the game, thankyouverymuch!

And that trashy drunk is my dear friend Maria Carmen Gabriella Reyes de Casarez. Constantly ready and willing to rumble with the toms, she is always on the prowl and can be quite the whore at times. Wait...whores get paid. I guess she is just slutty. The only reason I didn't have much of an issue inviting a rival female to the game, is we tend to have different taste in toms. Maria Carmen Gabriella Reyes de Caserez (or MCGRdC, I prefer to call her) came to the game directly from mass. A devout Catholic Wiccan (a new hybrid religion she invented), she is a perfect combination of tradition and evolution. She is an extremely intelligent feline, but exhibits great grace when confronted with combative and intolerant cats. Dressed in a mantilla and clutching a rosary, she gives a devout and holy first impression...until you realize she is dressed only in a mantilla! Yes, she is completely nude underneath her fur!

The game began mildly. I distributed the fake cash (shorting a few players, I'll admit) and we rolled to see who would take the first turn. While I didn't win the roll, I proceeded to throw the temper tantrum of all tantrums and, with much reluctance, the group let me go first. Work it, Kukka!

The game progressed and properties were getting snatched up at an astounding pace! I stomped my paws in anger a few times, especially when Gus and Elmar teamed up to keep me from getting all the red properties. Damn you two for ripping Indiana and Illinois right out of my paws! Yes, I hadn't actually purchased them yet, but isn't possession 9/10ths of the law?

"Great play, Kav!" barked Gus, holding out his paw for a high-four.

"Um...I don't touch people. I don't want germs and I'm not about to muss my fur," Rourke responded, tossing back a filthy martini.

"Haven't you had enough?" I asked him, while guzzling my fifth sixth seventh White Russian.

Aggressively swishing his tail back and forth, he snidely mocked me in a nasaly tone. "Haven't you had enough?"

"Listen. It's your turn to roll," I responded calmly. In my head, though, I was screaming, "GO TO JAIL, JAIL, JAIL!"

After a quick toss of the dice, he exploded, "WHAT THE...MOTHER FFFFFF...GO TO HELL, MONOPOLY!" He stormed away from the table and Gus calmly placed Rourke's thimble into the jail cell on his behalf.

"He'll be back in a minute," explained Gus. "We've been friends a long time. He just needs a breather."

"I'll give him a breather," I said, chuckling. "I toss an air biscuit his way and see how he enjoys them apples!"

Suddenly, and without warning, MCGRdC hopped onto Elmar's chair and began nuzzling him. Clutching her rosary to her chest, she began chanting under her breath, "Te deseo. Te necesito. Debes ser el mío...". Elmar, equally flattered and confused, whispered, "What are you saying to me?"

"Nothing! I am just praying the rosary. Don't get so cranky!" Maria Carmen Gabriella Reyes de Caserez oozed, licking her lips lusciously.

"Kukka, I'm uncomfortable..." Elmar pleaded.

"She won't bite," I explained. "She will lick you up one side and down the other, but no bites."

Turning to Gus, I asked, "When will Rourke be back? It's his turn again and I'm growing impatient. I've texted him, I've called his cell phone. I know he's just in the other room, but don't you think he could be courteous enough to respond at all?"

"I'LL RESPOND WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT!" Rourke bellowed as he re-entered the room. "I got your text messages...I was just busy self-soothing and did not have the time to entertain you, Selfish! Now, am I out of prison yet?"

"Rourke, I understand your position and think you could even be justified in your response to Kukka," MCGRdC cooed," but I would ask you to reconsider your impression of her. Yes, she can be demanding. Yes, she can sometimes be intensely selfish, but she is worth having around...even just for her celebrity connections!"

"Whatever, you liberal snot," Rourke mumbled. "I suppose next, you'll tell me I'm supposed to be tolerant of...the filthy Siamese!"

"Have you even met a Siamese cat before, Rourke?" challenged MCGRdC in the most gentle and sweet version of her voice.

"No, but I've heard enough about them to know they are sneaky and shady. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be with one...not because I think they'd hurt me physically, but because they might hurt my reputation!"

Elmar, Gus and I stared at the debating duo in shock.

"Can't we just play a friendly game of Monopoly in which I take all of your money and make you cry like sissy-babies?" I pleaded. "Come on...doesn't that sound like fun for me you?"

"You know, Kukka...why don't you just text me anything you want to say. That way I can ignore you and not feel guilty." slammed Rourke.

At this point, Elmar decided he had enough. "I'm taking off, you guys," he muttered, grabbing his two pair of boots (it was raining) and rabbit-fur coat (not made from rabbit pelts, but with rabbit fur that had been shaved off of rabbits who had recently joined the military to protect our home soil while all the human soldiers were being sent to Iraq).

"Elmar..." I desperately pleaded as I flashed my multiple nipples in an effort to convince him to stay.

"Put those things away, Kukka. Save them for another day when the climate of the room is less tense."

Before I knew it, Maria Carmen Gabriella Reyes de Casarez and Rourke were at it again.

"You can not build a hotel on your property unless you've already built four houses," she explained, while reading the rules from the box top.

"Good freakin' GAWD!" roared Rourke.

In an attempt to placate Rourke, Gus said, "I'll take Baltic Avenue off your hands for $100, Rourke. That's $40 more than the face value!"

"I want $250 for it."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "You bought it for $60!"

"I did some work on the house and amped up the curb-appeal, so it's appreciated greatly since I purchased it."

"I'm done," sighed MCGRdC. "Rourke, can you please hand me my coat?"

"I'm not touching a Mexican coat!" blustered a clearly irate Rourke.

"What did you just say?" I hissed.

"I said I didn't want to be tainted from touching a Mexican coat!" he retorted. "I'm not saying anything I wouldn't say about a Siamese coat..."

Steaming, I stood and flipped the Monopoly board over, scattering the dice, thimble, tiny car, top hat and Scottie dog (chosen by Gus, of course) to the floor with a deafening shatter. "I can not believe you just said that to my Mexican friend. And, by the way, I have Siamese friends and they are some of the best cats around!"

Shrugging, Rourke gently lifted his paw to stroke the ginger fur on his head. "Whatever."

Turning to Maria Carmen Gabriella Reyes de Casarez, I said, "Get your things. We'll leave Rourke with his backwards way of thinking."

But Maria did not hear me. Clutching her rosary and raising her right, front paw to her lips, she spit and muttered thrice, "Mayo tus descendientes tienen los cuernos y los pitchforks de su padre..."

He'll get his.

1 comment:

The Crew said...

Rourke is a bigot and we had to run over to babylon.com to translate MCGRdC's curse!