Friday, May 20, 2011


Welcome to "MANIPULATION 101," your comprehensive guide to managing and controlling your human. I am your instructor and world-renown expert in human manipulation, Empress Kukka-Maria.

Today, we learn about OBTAINING TREATS.

There are several approaches that, over the years, I have found to be profitable. The key is to find a method that best suits your needs and showcases your unique talents.

The I'm-The-Cutest-Thing-You-Ever-Did-See
With my drop-dead beauty, this has been a fan favorite in my home. There are many ways to feature your preciousness without revealing your underlying purpose. Here is a tried and true recipe.

One Part Backside
Two Parts Front Paws
Six Parts Nipples (super-sexy multiple nipples not required, but preferred)
One Part Furry Head
Two Parts Come-Hither Eyes

Turn yourself onto your backside, curl your front paws toward your multiple nipples, cock your furry head to one side toward Your Agent, and blink slowly with come-hither eyes. Let Your Agent soak in your slutty approach; repeat, if necessary.
The Don't-Look-While-I-Lick
This tactic requires a sleek body, a well thought out entrance, and a sly departure. This is a favorite method for Brach as he is virtually invisible in the shadow of my celebrity. Because of my Rubenesque form and my bodacious swagger, I tend not to go this route. The recipe below should help you.

Four Parts Limber and Steady Legs
Four Parts Quiet, Feather-like Feet
One Part Squatty Body
Two Parts Shifty Eyes
One Part Scratchy Tongue
Eleventy Squillion Parts Patience

Squat your Body slowly until it is almost resting on your paws. Shift eyes back and forth, spying your target: Your Agent's plate of food (or empty plate of sauces, juice, and/or crumbs). This is also a good opportunity to case the joint, ensuring there are no witnesses. If you see a witness, do not panic! Simply stay still until the individual looks away. If that nosey individual is Kukka-Maria, give her the middle claw and continue your mission. Walk slowly on your feather-like feet. So slowly, it doesn't appear you are moving at all. Reaching your target will require all the patience you can muster, as moving in super-slow motion is taxing to the soul. Quickly extend your scratchy tongue and feast! If you get caught by Your Agent, refer to the I'm-The-Cutest-Thing-You-Ever-Did-See recipe.

The Begging-Is-So-Humiliating-But-Absolutely-Necessary-Sometimes
When all else fails, beg. This recipe is simple, yet painful.

One Part Pride
One Part Whiny Voicebox

Swallow your pride and use your whiny voicebox to plead with all your might. Wait for Your Agent to wear down or scold you. If you get lectured, refer to the I'm-The-Cutest-Thing-You-Ever-Did-See recipe.

I hope you have found these recipes to be helpful in your quest for treats/snacks/yum-yums/finger-lickin' goodies. If you have any questions on this instruction, feel free to add your inquiries to the comments and I will be most inconvenienced happy to answer them!

Happy Treating!
Your Professor, Empress Kukka-Maria
Celebrity to the Stars

1 comment:

The Crew said...

Tried and true methods, no doubt, judging by your Rubenesque form and bodacious swagger. (your words, Kukka...not mine!)