Monday, May 23, 2011

REAL...OR...FAKE®!

Announcer: Hello and welcome to America's favorite game show, REAL...OR...FAKE®! Please welcome your host, Kukka Winkindale!

Kukka: HIDEY HO, EVERYONE! We, at REAL...OR...FAKE®, are taking a break from Breast Month to feature a cat whose fame is only existent because of his celebrity wife...BRACH O' LEE! Today, we will be challenging this plant addict with the question, "Is this plant REAL...OR...FAKE®?" Ladies and gentlemen, let's greet our guest, Brach, with a round of applause. Brach! Come on out!

(Cue heavily-orchestrated music in the style of Lawrence Welk)

Kukka: Welcome, Brach! On REAL...OR...FAKE®, contestants receive a clue as they study an image. They are then asked, "Is that image REAL...OR...FAKE®? Each question is worth 100 treats, with a final bonus image worth 500 treats. Are you ready to play REAL...OR...FAKE®?

Brach: You bet your obvious toupee, Kukka!

Kukka: (Adjusting her "hair") Well, then, let's start with the first image.

This authentic, genuine Christmas Cactus doesn't look like your typical cactus.  Known to bloom around the holidays, this plant is rather tasty and is not poisonous to cats, though dining on its leafy goodness is strongly discouraged in your home. Now, Brach...is this plant REAL...OR...FAKE®?

Brach: Well, Kukka, I have seen this one before in the living room. I have been known to knock it off its plant stand in an effort to get a bite. I know this one. This Christmas Cactus is...FAKE! WAIT! No! REAL!

Kukka: (Holding a paw to her ear) I am sorry, Brach. The judges are telling me in my ear piece that we must go with your first response. You said "FAKE" and it is, in fact, real. You did not win 100 treats for this question.

Let's shake this off and move on to the next image.

This flower arrangement sits at the end of the hallway at your The Agent's parents' house. Its collection of silken petals are colorful and made of silk. Our question to you, Brach, is one with which you are very familiar. Are these flowers REAL...OR...FAKE®?

Brach: I know this flower arrangement well. I have spent many a night chomping on its plastic buds. This arrangement has to be...REAL! Final answer.

Kukka: (Shaking her head slowly) Brach, I am sorry, but you have missed the mark yet again. Made of silk and various plastics, this arrangement of flowers is FAKE. Fake...

You still have one last chance for 100 treats before ever-challenging bonus round. Now let's see the next image!

This cluster of artificial roses, bound tightly with twine, sits in the spare bedroom at The Agent's parents' home. Nestled in a bed of faux grasses, these buds stand proudly in the sunshine and clean easily with a vacuum cleaner or hair dryer. For 100 treats, Brach...is this arrangement REAL...OR...FAKE®?

Brach: I am sure of this one, as I have tasted these flowers first-hand. These beautiful blooms, though tough to chew, are succulent and a delight to the taste buds. I am confident that these flowers are...REAL!

Kukka: BRACH! Seriously?! I am sorry, but these flowers are obviously fake. I could go into how I have been giving you hints and how block-headed you must be to keep answering incorrectly, but I think we should just push on to the bonus round.

This horticultural phenomenon is known as The Kukka, which in Finnish means "Flower." Its texture is soft as a cartoon cloud and shiny like the mirror in which it likes to gaze. It has incredible intellect, amazing talent, gorgeous form, and super-sexy multiple nipples. For 500 bonus treats, Brach...and I encourage you to think very hard on this one, is this flower REAL...OR...FAKE®?

Brach: I have lived with one of these for almost 11 years.

Kukka: Talk it through, Brach.

Brach: While the plant itself appears very real, everything you described seems quite fake. I am going to have to go with...

Kukka: Take your time, Brach. 500 treats are on the line here.

Brach: I am going to have to go with...FAKE!

Kukka: OH, BOO-WAH! I am sorry, Brach, but yet again, you have answered the question incorrectly. This flower is very real and plans to kick your ass for not bringing home prize treats.

As for you, ladies and gentlemen, tune in tomorrow when we return to Breast Week on REAL...OR...FAKE®! Good night, everyone!

3 comments:

The Crew said...

Kukka, you have my permission to smack Brach upside the head!

The Crew said...

BTW, Kukka...nice combover!

The Meezers or Billy said...

oh that's ALLLL real